Life postponed for later: how to stop waiting for the future and live in the present

What is a deferred life scenario

The concept of a "life delay scenario" was introduced by Doctor of Psychology and Professor Vladimir Serkin. Initially - to describe the peculiarities of thinking of most people living in the Russian Far East.

The fact is that in this region the phenomenon of the “northern scenario” has spread - and even began to be perceived as something quite natural. People created comfortable conditions and prepared for life, which will come later, when they fulfill the "northern dream" - they will move to a territory with a mild climate, buy an apartment, a summer house or a car, and so on.

The professor says that a similar phenomenon has already been described by Rudyard Kipling. Serkin called it the “colonial scenario,” and here everything is exactly the same as in the case of the northerners. Many Englishmen, during their decades in India, believed that "real" life would begin only when they returned to England. That is, the whole 20-30 years were kind of “fake”, anticipating.

These are just a couple of options, because the "deferred life scenario" is a broader concept. And this phenomenon is not limited to any specific territory or a separate segment of history.

According to the “scenario of the postponed life”, a person prepares for a long period of time - up to decades - for some significant event or waits for the achievement of a goal, after which, as he is sure, a “real” and happy life should begin.

That is, it just exists in anticipation. "I'll get married and immediately become happy" or "I'll buy my apartment and how will I live!" - a person means for himself the moment until which he will not live in full force, but then …

And then, when the apartment appears, he will understand that it is too early to relax: after all, you need to make repairs and pay off the mortgage! So "real" life and happiness will wait again. And it may never come.

Why is this phenomenon dangerous

In addition to the fact that 10-30 or even more years are spent on anticipation of the future, and not on enjoying the present, there is a risk of “neurosis of delayed life” - this concept was also introduced by Serkin.

In this case, a person is not only in constant expectation, but also does not solve important, urgent problems. Or sacrifices something, leaving things for later. He wants something, he can do it, but he does not, because the decisive moment has not yet come.

A person misses opportunities, does not seize chances and accumulates problems.

"I will not re-glue the peeled wallpaper, anyway we will move over someday." "When I find another job, I will start to devote more time to myself." "The child will graduate from school, and then I will return to my hobbies and even learn new skills." "I'll get this service when there is a special occasion." That is, I will do everything, but only when I start to truly live.

It is important that, unlike temporary abstinence from any things for the benefit of a higher goal, the neurosis of a postponed life presupposes years or decades of passive attitude to emerging problems and infringement of oneself in something until the defining moment. Instead of taking active steps to improve circumstances today.

Why do we put off life for later

Attitudes and beliefs affect you

Serkin suggests that one of the reasons may be attitudes that have developed historically under the influence of religious and ideological teachings. And the global idea that for the sake of a brighter future one can endure, eventually transferred to everyday life.

Reality does not match your idea of the ideal

The future that you dreamed about as a child did not happen. You did not live up to your own hopes and became not who you wanted. But instead of starting to change your life now, you simply promise that you will fulfill your dreams as soon as possible. It seems that you are not giving up on them, just pushing them away - over and over again.

You strive for the result for the sake of the result itself

You are so anxious to finally find yourself in this “happy tomorrow” that you are struggling to bring closer the moment after which, in your opinion, it will begin. And you forget that you can enjoy the process along the way. But as long as you go to the goal, life also passes. Your real life.

How to learn to live in the present

In one interview, Serkin gives several general recommendations that can help defeat the neurosis of postponed life:

Start doing something to achieve your dream.
Love yourself for who you are, but keep working on yourself.
Understand what you want from life and what you are doing for this now. Compare lists and adjust actions.
Develop a detailed action plan - always with intermediate results.
Make sure you have the means and tools to achieve your goal. In this case, the goal should be achievable.

If you want to learn to feel the present moment - the one that a second ago was the future, and now is the past - you may also need the practices recommended by psychotherapist Nancy Colier.

1. Ask yourself the question "Am I here?"

Pay attention to where you are at the moment. Get in the habit of asking yourself, "Where am I now?" or "Am I here now?" The body is always in the present, in contrast to the mind, which is either carried away into the past, or seeks into the future. Feel with all your being that you are here and now.

2. Hear the sounds

Concentrate on the sounds around you. Do not think where they come from, do not try to explain them. No effort is required: just catch them and listen.

3. Listen to the body

Feel the processes that are happening to your body at this moment. Do not explain their nature or name them. Just feel and notice that they happen without any effort of yours.

4. Observe your breath

Feel the process, pay attention to the intervals between breaths. Feel how you and your body breathe. And it also doesn't require any effort on your part.

5. Connect the inner to the outer

Look in front of you - what do you see? Concentrate on the sounds. Without shifting your focus, add a sense of your body. Concentrate immediately on the outer and inner world.

6. Hear your thoughts

Focus on what's in your head: thoughts, voices, and sounds. Don't get involved, just watch your mind in action.

7. Look wider

Hear the silence that hides behind the rumble of thoughts. Find the peace that lurks behind the incessant movement of thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

Notice infinity within you and without. Transfer your attention from objects passing through consciousness to the space in which they are located.

8. Feel your presence

Close your eyes, feel your presence here and in the moment. Feel your body weight and your whole essence. Find this special state - "I am here, I exist."

9. Imagine "then" is not

There is no “coming event”, no “hanging task” - nothing to be done. Stop preparing and planning - take it all away. Meet with "now" and imagine that there is no business and there is no need to run anywhere.

10. Reach the end and return to the beginning

Imagine that this is the last moment in your body in the state in which you are now. Immerse yourself in the feeling of yourself. Remember that you have always been here - from deep childhood to this moment. And still here.

Experience what it is like to be yourself when thoughts, feelings, events, beliefs have passed. Feel the foundation of your existence and invulnerability to time.

Appreciate what you have and remember that life is what is happening now. Yes, right now, at this very second!