10 ways to ask for forgiveness that will only make things worse

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Better no apology than insincere.

Sorry is not a magic spell. By itself, it does not heal grievances and does not correct the situation. Therefore, it is not enough just to ask for forgiveness, it is important to do it right. If you are truly repentant and want to improve your relationship, avoid these methods.

1. Shifting responsibility on circumstances

“Sorry for yelling at you for no reason. It's all Mercury retrograde."

It is unpleasant to be guilty, so the desire to justify yourself and share responsibility with someone or something is logical and understandable. The abuser has every right to analyze his behavior and understand what caused it.

First, it will help prevent this from happening in the future. Secondly, it will make you feel better. As Homer Simpson said: “You can't constantly blame yourself for something. Blame yourself once and live peacefully on."

But if someone wants to sincerely apologize and establish contact with the person they have offended, they will have to take responsibility for themselves. Maybe the boss, the angry dog and the Moon in Capricorn are to blame, but he did or said something unpleasant. And it is for this that you need to ask for forgiveness.

2. Shifting responsibility on the victim

“Sorry to yell at you. But you always crawl under the arm."

Any design with a "but" is bad for an apology. This union in this case automatically cancels everything that was said before it. And if further there is a claim against the victim, it looks like an accusation that he forced him to upset.

Of course, if the target of the offender is a "snow-white" reputation, then this is a completely working technique. But if he does not want to spoil the relationship with the person, it is better, again, to take responsibility for himself.

3. Focus on the victim's reaction

I'm sorry that you are upset because of my words …

And again, unwillingness to take responsibility. There is no regret or empathy on the part of the abuser. But there is an attempt to shift the focus to the reaction of the one to whom he apologizes. It looks very generous: they say, I didn’t do anything special, but since you are so sensitive and upset, then I’ll apologize.

A person's emotions are a reaction to words or deeds. Perhaps they seem excessive to the offender, but the victim already experiences these feelings, and they must be reckoned with.

4. Pull the blanket towards you

“Sorry! I am so worried about this, I do not sleep and do not eat …"

A little more, and the victim himself will rush to ask for forgiveness for having made the offender worry. Surely he will say that nothing terrible happened, he himself is also to blame and, of course, accepts the apology. The manipulation was a success, and this is it - there is no smell of apology here.

5. Trying to hush up the conflict

Sorry, and let's forget about it

Apologies don't work like the Man in Black neutralizer. They do not erase the offense and its consequences. It's one thing when the victim's foot is stepped on - it's usually easy to forget about it. And when the abuser stepped on his leg and broke it before an important sporting event, this case will surely pop up in memory more than once.

And that's okay. One person messed up a lot, although he did not do it on purpose (I would like to think so). And the second can experience a whole range of feelings, periodically slipping into anger and despair. So you need to give him time to accept the situation.

6. Trying to buy forgiveness

Sorry, and here's your smartphone

This only works if the perpetrator has previously broken the same smartphone. There is nothing wrong with gifts, but there is a nuance when it comes to apologies. It looks like the abuser is not very sorry. Now he will exchange a gift for forgiveness, and then he will continue to do what he did, because an apology is so easy to buy.

7. Devalue the victim's feelings

“Sorry to break your favorite mug. But this is for luck! And in general she was old."

An incident that means nothing to one person can be a tragedy for another. And you need to ask for forgiveness in proportion to the damage done.

The abuser may feel that he is helping the victim to worry less by reducing the scope of the problem. But it works in the same way as the recommendation “just don't worry” to the person who is experiencing - in no way.

8. Apologize for show

I'm sorry if that …

There is even a special term for this case in English - ifpology, which is obtained by merging the words "if" and "apology". It means that a person asks for forgiveness just like that, not realizing what for and not feeling guilty. But if the victim is suddenly hurt or offended, then he also apologized, what's the problem? But there is no sincerity in this approach.

9. Bargain

I will ask your forgiveness if you never again …

Obviously, it doesn't work that way. The abuser will simply have to apologize, perhaps insincerely. The victim has to do something, and even forgive, and that involves some emotional work. An extremely bad deal.

10. Don't draw conclusions

Sorry, I did it again, but I won't

An apology itself doesn't work if it isn't followed by a behavior change. Their meaning is to make the victim understand that the abuser realized the problem, realized what he did wrong, and in the future he will try to avoid it. Otherwise, the value of an apology will plummet with each new offense.

How to ask for forgiveness: a checklist

• Understand what the problem is and what went wrong. It's important not to apologize to relieve yourself of responsibility or to improve your mood. The main thing here is the victim's feelings. And therefore it is necessary to understand what exactly he is experiencing.
• Let the person know that you understand their feelings and that you regret causing them.
• Admit your guilt or wrong, take responsibility for them.
• Express willingness to minimize damage if it occurs. For example, you will not restore your favorite mug inherited from your grandmother, but you may find the same one at the flea market.
• Demonstrate intent to do whatever it takes to prevent the situation from happening again. And this is perhaps the main thing.