10 decisions that don't save relationships, but only make them worse

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Don't substitute hasty decisions for constructive dialogue.

1. Get married

The step is as illogical as possible, but very common. Wedding is often seen in our culture as a way to nullify all the negative things that came before marriage. Including claims.

Naturally, this is not the case. A wedding can lead to a little pause in the confrontation. Still, strong emotions from the holiday cannot be underestimated. But then unresolved problems will return.

Just look at the divorce statistics. Almost a quarter of marriages break up in the first two years. 4, 7% of couples break up without even celebrating their first anniversary.

A wedding can be a logical continuation of a troubled relationship if the couple has acknowledged the crisis and dealt with it. Without this, one should not hope for a miracle.

2. Have a baby

The appearance of a baby can be a test for strong harmonious couples. According to research 1., the birth of a child in most cases significantly reduces the satisfaction with the marriage.

Accordingly, the situation can become monstrous if everything is already bad. At the same time, it will also affect the child, who will suffer innocently. Parting may even be avoided - out of a sense of duty, for example. But whether all participants in the process will be happy is a big question.

3. Edit

If a leftist strengthens marriage, it is in some parallel universe. In ours, betrayal remains a reason for divorce. 22% of Russians who participated in the VTsIOM poll believe that they are divorcing their marriage primarily because of her. Among the cited reasons for the gap, only a lack of money bypassed infidelity in frequency of mention.

Usually, people expect exclusive sexual and romantic relationships by default. Therefore, cheating is perceived as a violation of agreements and betrayal, which negatively affects the trust in the couple.

Cheating is stressful. And for both, although, perhaps, to varying degrees. And it is not necessary that the one who was cheated will suffer more - much depends on the particular person. In some cases, the culprit really understands that there is no one better than a partner. But there is still the question of whether the person who has changed will remain as such for the second person after such an act. If all this is superimposed on an already crumbling relationship, you can hardly expect them to change for the better.

4. Provoke jealousy

It happens that there was no betrayal. But one of the partners suddenly decides to provoke the jealousy of the other. Either he is looking for evidence that the second person still has feelings. Either he is trying to demonstrate his relevance: “I will have a hundred more like you”.

This is hardly an adequate answer to relationship problems. First, the partner may perceive such behavior as real betrayal. Secondly, it does not resolve any of the already pressing conflicts, but only adds a new one. Third, it is simply cruel to make a loved one (or no longer) experience strong negative emotions.

5. Try to change your partner

An understandable defense mechanism is to blame the partner for all the troubles and force him to change so that they do not exist: "Our couple would be perfect if it were not for you!" In fact, it rarely happens that the relationship consists of perfection itself and a person with a bunch of flaws.

Usually, a relationship involves some kind of change, and in both partners. This is necessary so that two different people can coexist comfortably. Someone is given this easier, someone more difficult.

However, change is the area of responsibility of the person himself. All you can do is talk, and without manipulation or accusations. So to speak, throw the ball into the partner's half of the field. But he already decides what to do next.

6. Change yourself for a partner

Let's consider the situation from the other side. Sometimes a person accepts all the claims of a partner and begins to carve a completely different personality out of himself. It happens that this happens due to pressure and manipulation. This is dishonest, destructive and can even lead to mental disorders.

Any changes are a reciprocal process. They agree on their need in the form of a dialogue, when both talk about their feelings and discuss inconsistencies. Otherwise, nothing good will come of it.

7. Step back

Another common tactic of behavior is to pretend that nothing is happening.

A person, nominally remaining in a relationship, begins to avoid a second partner. Delays at work, finds urgent things to do on weekends, and so on. This is often done if the couple has some additional obligations. For example, people do not want to leave because they have children, a common business, or something else.

But in fact, the relationship is no longer there, this is a fake. It would be more honest to part and not make yourself and everyone involved unhappy.

8. Go on vacation

Couples are often advised to change their surroundings and go on a trip together. This can be good for a relationship if partners have recently been able to spend little time together due to, for example, work.

But if the union is at the stage where it needs to be saved, then the idea of going on a journey in which you have to spend time together 24/7 is hardly a good idea. This will only warm up the boiler with accumulated irritation, resentment and fatigue. And as a result, such an explosion may occur that it will not seem a little. And you will hardly be able to quickly evacuate from an unfamiliar place - you will have to change tickets, lose money.

Although in general, if you are ready to leave for a chic place to sort things out all the time, why not? But this should be at least a constructive dialogue with attempts to listen to the other side and come to a compromise.

9. Go to training

The story with trainings that promise to improve family relationships is as follows. There may be a good event organized by a professional. And there they will tell the obvious and correct things: do not avoid problems, do not shift responsibility onto each other, criticize the actions, not the person, do not offend, listen to each other.

But, alas, there is a much higher risk of encountering gurus who will impose gender stereotypes, break participants, and force them to do strange things. For example, at women's trainings, female visitors are often urged to quit their jobs immediately in order to devote themselves to serving a man. But if the family is in conflict over low income, it is unlikely that the loss of one salary will improve everything.

10. Attract third parties

This method is good in one case: partners go to a pair consultation with a psychologist. But it is hardly worth seeking advice from parents, friends and other people. First, they do not see the whole picture, but come only from your words and observations. Second, advisors are more likely to take sides, which interferes with objectivity. Thirdly, the personal experience of a layman is rarely sufficient for a correct assessment of what is happening.

If we are not talking about situations where direct assistance is required (such as domestic violence), the relationship should be sorted out between partners. Someone else's interference can only worsen everything.