How to sort things out so as not to spoil them

In any relationship, disagreements sooner or later arise: the boss does not pay for overtime, neighbors listen to music at maximum volume and interfere with sleep, the partner ignores his part of the household duties. Often the discussion of the problem takes place in a raised voice: the participants argue, get personal, accuse each other. It would seem that the best way to maintain a relationship is to avoid conflict situations. However, in this case, the problem will not be solved, and negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball and may burst out at the wrong moment.

There is a way to constructively resolve disagreements - about which Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler write in the book Difficult Dialogues. The authors offer simple tools that allow you to calmly discuss problems and find solutions that are beneficial to all parties to the conflict.

Let's use the recommendations from the book on the example of the everyday conflict of a conventional couple - Irina and Oleg.

The essence of the conflict lies in the uneven distribution of household responsibilities: most of the work falls on Irina's shoulders, while Oleg reluctantly fulfills individual assignments, but more often finds excuses. Irina considers the established way of life to be unfair: both work, which means that they must deal with the house together. The girl wants to talk to her husband and redistribute responsibilities equally.

How to behave in a conflict situation

1. Start with yourself

Answer the questions as honestly and in detail as possible.

What do I want to get as a result of the conflict for myself? For example: "I want more time for rest and favorite activities", "I want a fair distribution of household responsibilities."
What do I want to get as a result of the conflict for my opponent? For example: "I want Oleg to have time for rest and favorite activities."
What do I want to achieve for our relationship? For example: “I want the cleaning not to be a reason for quarrels anymore”, “I want to spend more time together”.

Asking questions will help you understand your true motives and become more aware of the dialogue. "I want Oleg to help with cleaning" in our example is just a strategy for achieving real goals - equality in everyday life and free time.

2. Watch for signals

In a conflict, it is important that the parties feel safe. In this case, the participants communicate on an equal footing: calmly, frankly and respectfully. However, conflicts are often accompanied by strong emotions and it is sometimes difficult to understand from what moment the conversation went in the wrong place.

There are a number of signs that will help you recognize in time the moment of loss of trust and security.

Physical reactions: fists clenched, eyebrows moved, tears welled up in my eyes, a lump in my throat, my voice trembles.
Emotions: fear, resentment, anger, sadness.
Behavior: indifference, withdrawal from dialogue, categorical, labeling, insults, threats.

3. Restore security

Once you've picked up the dangerous signals, it's time to restore safety.

Apologize if you lose your temper or show disrespect to the other person.
If the interlocutor misunderstood you, explain what you really mean: “I do not want to say that you are lazy, I notice and appreciate your help. I mean, since we are both working, it would be fair to split household chores equally."
Find a common goal that serves the interests of both parties: "Let's figure out how to maintain order with minimal effort."

4. Control emotions

When we are overwhelmed by strong feelings, it can be difficult to keep the conversation going in a constructive way. Sometimes fear, resentment or anger is so strong that you want to completely leave the dialogue. To avoid falling into the trap of emotions, ask yourself questions that will help you look at the situation differently. Let's take a look at unproductive behavioral strategies and ways to change them.

Victim - "It's Not My Fault"

The question to ask yourself is, "Am I trying to ignore my role in creating this problem?"

Spending free time cleaning is Irina's choice. It's not my fault that she doesn't have enough time to rest.

If I helped Irina, she would have more time to rest. Now she simply has no other choice - otherwise the house will be dirty.

Villain - "It's all your fault"

The question to ask yourself is: "Why could a reasonable, decent and rational person do this?"

Oleg is looking for excuses not to participate in the cleaning, because he is lazy.

At the beginning of the month, Oleg said that the boss had entrusted him with a responsible task with deadlines. Since then, he sleeps poorly and stays at work. Was he tired?

Helpless - "I can't do anything else in this situation."

The question to ask yourself is, "What can I do to move towards achieving what I want?"

I can’t convince Oleg, I’ll have to clean it myself.

I will create an environment where cleaning is easy and fun. I will shorten my cleaning time with modern technology. I delegate some of the work to the cleaning service.

5. Speak respectfully

Share facts, not estimates

Grade: "You are lazy. You're always looking for excuses."

Fact: "The last three times you refused to help me clean up, and I cleaned up alone."

Explain how you see the situation

Be consistent: Before drawing conclusions, describe the chain of events that led you to these thoughts.

Badly: "You don't appreciate my work."

Good: “Last Sunday you refused to help me clean and I was cleaning up alone. And when I got home from work on Monday, I found a dirty stove in the kitchen and a stain from spilled tea on the bedroom floor. I felt offended: I put things in order all Sunday, and on Monday the apartment was dirty again. I got the feeling that you do not appreciate my work."

Avoid being categorical

Remember that the other person is entitled to an opinion that is different from yours. Make it clear that you respect someone else's point of view.

Badly: “In families where both partners work, household chores should be shared equally. Anyone who thinks differently is retrograde and sexist!"

Good: “I think that since we are both working, it would be fair to split household chores equally. What do you think about that?"

6. Listen thoughtfully

Ask for the opinion of the other person

Maintain a safe atmosphere so that he can speak freely: do not interrupt, do not get distracted, stay calm and friendly.

Be alert to non-verbal cues

If the person's expression or actions of the interlocutor contradict what he says, point out the inconsistency. Probably, the interlocutor is not completely frank, because he has ceased to feel safe.

- Oleg, how do you feel about giving cleaning every Sunday?

- I do not care. We will do it as you say.

“You say you don’t care, but at the same time you look unhappy. If this option does not suit you, we can discuss another.

- You know, this option is really not the best. I just didn't want to argue again.

Help the other person express their position

If the other person is still not saying something in a safe environment, make an assumption about their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is enough to just give the person a little nudge so that he or she readily continues.

- Oleg, you probably think that you will have less time for rest and favorite activities?

- You're right. I'm afraid to drown in the household routine.

Agree out loud

If the other person voiced a thought with which you agree, say so. In most cases, people continue to argue over minor disagreements, losing sight of the fact that they agree with each other on fundamental and truly important points.

- Irina, I don’t want to spend the whole day off cleaning.

- I agree, on the weekend you want to relax, and not to put things in order. We can devote 15 minutes to cleaning on weekdays, and leave the weekend for what we love. How do you like this option?

7. Come up with a plan

It is not enough to negotiate correctly and come to a joint solution. It is necessary to draw up a plan for the implementation of what was conceived: think over specific steps, agree on a deadline, distribute responsibility. Otherwise, the agreements will remain words, and the conflict will not be resolved.

As a result of the conflict, Oleg and Irina figured out how to cope with cleaning with minimal effort and not lose motivation.

Allocate money from the family budget for household appliances: a dishwasher, a robot vacuum cleaner, a multicooker. Deadline: until the end of the week. Responsible: Oleg.
Delegate the cleaning service to clean the hood from grease and dirt. Deadline: until the end of the week. Responsible: Irina.
Prepare dinners together for 2-3 days. Listen to podcasts while cooking. Start today.
On weekdays, after dinner, it is time for jet cleaning. The timer counts down 15 minutes, you need to have time to clean up your area. Start today.
Add game elements to cleaning. Give points to each household chore: throw out the trash - 3, dust off - 5, vacuum - 10, wash the toilet - 15. Enter the points in the table, and sum up the results at the end of the month. The loser prepares a surprise for the winner: a massage, a cake or a book - any pleasant trifle. And if the rivals scored the same number of points, then you can arrange entertainment for two. The start of the game is the beginning of the next month.

What to do if the conflict cannot be resolved

In an ideal world, the parties to the conflict respect each other's needs, control emotions, and find a joint solution to the problem. In reality, there is a possibility that the conversation will not work out, the conflict will not be resolved the first time or at all. Evgeny Ilyin in his book "The Psychology of Communication and Interpersonal Relations" identifies three unfavorable outcomes of a conflict situation: avoiding the conflict, confrontation and coercion. Below we will consider what can be done with each of them.

When the other person leaves the conversation

Obviously, you should not start a dialogue if the person is sick, experiences strong emotions (anger, resentment, sadness) or is busy. However, it should be remembered that the interlocutor can hide behind excuses in order to avoid discussing the problem.

1. Be persistent and agree on specific deadlines

- Oleg, I really value our relationship. It saddens me that lately we often fight over cleaning. Can we discuss this issue now?

- I watch football, come on later.

Badly: "You don't care about our relationship!"

Good: “When does the match end? Can we talk after him?"

2. Ask why the other person avoids the conversation

Ask or guess. He may be uncomfortable discussing certain topics because of his upbringing (such as sex) or past negative experiences. It is important to maintain a safe atmosphere: do not press, do not blame, do not criticize.

- Oleg, I noticed that you are uncomfortable discussing cleaning. You may think that I will criticize you, but I just want to calmly discuss the problem and find a joint solution.

3. Explain that the issue is important to discuss now

After all, otherwise in the future negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball.

- Oleg, lately we often quarrel over cleaning. The longer the problem lasts, the more the quality of our relationship suffers: irritation and mutual resentment accumulate. Let's talk.

Repeated withdrawal from dialogue without good reason can show the other person's indifference to your needs. Consider whether you are ready to pursue a relationship in which the other party is not interested.

When you can't agree

You and your interlocutor cannot find a common solution in any way: everyone insists on their own point of view. When all reasonable arguments are used, insults, insults, claims are used - the dialogue develops into a scandal.

1. Establish rules

They will help you stay within the framework of a constructive conversation. For example, use only “I-statements”: instead of reproaches and accusations, talk about your own thoughts and emotions that arose in response to the situation.

Badly: “Oleg, you are lazy. Instead of helping me clean up, you watch TV for hours. You treat me like a free servant."

Good: “Oleg, I think it's unfair how household responsibilities are distributed now. It saddens me that I do a lot by myself: cook, wash the dishes, clean the apartment on weekends. Because of this, I have little time for rest and favorite activities. I want to redistribute responsibilities."

2. Invite a moderator

An impartial third party will help steer the dialogue towards a peaceful channel and find a joint solution. The moderator can be a family psychologist, a colleague from a neighboring department or a mutual friend - the main thing is that the person is not interested in the conflict.

When the opponent imposes his conditions

Sometimes the interlocutor tries to impose his point of view at any cost, even if it threatens to deteriorate or break up relations. He puts forward the conditions “be patient or leave”, “obey or wait for the consequences”: “Irina, I believe that a woman should be engaged in cleaning, therefore, in principle, I will not help. If you are not satisfied with this situation - live with your mother "," Oleg, if you do not help me around the house, I will divorce you."

Coercion is the least favorable outcome of the conflict: the participant shows disrespect for your needs and intolerance of other people's views.

Explain to the interlocutor that such categoricalness is inappropriate: by joint efforts, you can find a solution that suits everyone. If the interlocutor continues to insist on an outcome that is convenient only for him - think about whether you need an unequal relationship, where you constantly have to endure and give in.

Memo to the participant in the conflict

1. Answer the questions to better prepare for the dialogue:

What do I want to get for myself?
What do I want to get for my opponent?
What do I want to get for our relationship?

2. Watch for signals in order to recognize in time the moment of loss of security: physical reactions, emotions, behavior.

3. Restore security:

apologize;
explain;
look for a common goal.

4. Control your emotions. Ask yourself questions that will help you look at the situation differently:

Am I trying to ignore my role in creating this problem?
Why could a reasonable, decent and rational person do this?
What can I do to make progress towards achieving what I want?

5. Speak respectfully:

share facts;
consistently share your vision of the situation;
avoid being categorical.

6. Listen thoughtfully:

ask for the opinion of the interlocutor;
point out inconsistencies between words and emotions;
Make a guess about the opponent's thoughts and feelings;
Agree openly.

7. Think over a plan:

describe specific steps;
agree on a time frame;
allocate responsibility.