10 toxic phrases you shouldn't say to someone in need

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Fake words of support are worse than open confrontation.

What words do not need to console

Many phrases from the list have become routine. We use them without hesitation and this risk not helping a person, but only aggravating the situation.

1. "I told you so"

The context is important here. If you encouraged a person and in the end everything turned out fine, then there is nothing wrong with this phrase. But more often it is said when something went wrong. And this is a way to make the interlocutor even worse.

The meaning of the phrase: I do not want to listen to you, I myself am to blame for my problems. It also mixes with a slight sense of triumph and rivalry: they say, I know how to do it, but you screwed up again.

Ksenia Nesyutina psychologist, head of the online school for parents

So, if you are not the worst enemy, go through your glee on your own, do not kick the fallen one.

2. "I want something good for you"

This is a favorite phrase of parents who make excuses for rude intrusion into the lives of their already grown children. Initially, these words seem innocent and even conciliatory, but in reality they are very insidious. They forbid getting angry with another person, no matter what he does. After all, he is trying for you! It seems that all that remains is to accept the violation of boundaries and forget about your own desires. Primitive manipulation, to which it is better not to stoop.

3. "Yes, I would be in your place …"

Here you are lucky: you are in your place and you can become dignified against the background of someone who is in a difficult situation. First, even if your advice is great, the person has already done something differently. Further digging in a situation is like ripping off a crust from a sore - this way it will never heal. Secondly, you were not in those conditions and you cannot know for sure what you would have done.

4. "Just get down to business, and everything will be removed as if by hand"

The reason for a bad mood, blues, loss of energy usually lies not in boredom and laziness. There can be a lot of reasons for this, including of a medical nature.

It seems that in this way you support a friend. But the state of mind of a person does not always depend on the physical.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

Advice to “just go and do something” only exacerbates the situation, because it adds to the sadness the feeling of guilt for not being able to “just” do something, be happy and have fun. Rather, the person will close in himself and stop sharing his problems, because your positive only adds pain and suffering.

5. "Well, you got it!"

It seems that this is just a statement of fact. However, the phrase can exacerbate feelings of powerlessness and despair in a person in a difficult situation. Especially if someone from the inner circle pronounces it.

6. "You don't have to listen to me, of course, but I'll tell you all the same."

At first glance, a person simply expresses his own opinion and gives a choice - to listen to him or not. In fact, the interlocutor, of course, has no choice. In any case, he is an unreasonable puppy who will do his own way (read: stupid) or do as he is told. This is just one way to break someone's boundaries.

As a rule, the person who says this is overloaded with emotions of anger, envy, resentment. He can't hold back and pours it on you like a bucket of slop.

Ksenia Nesyutina

7. "Yes, you think, a problem!"

Exclamations with the meaning "Is it worth worrying about this!" are not encouraging. If a person is suffering, then there are reasons for that. You make it clear that he is not important enough and suffers not enough to be taken seriously.

If you want to help, then work with what you have, even if it seems to you that the problem of the egg is not worth a damn.

8. "It probably didn't happen by accident."

The troubles seemed to have arisen for a reason, but for some higher purpose. Karma, stories about retribution for sins are attributes of the myth of a just world in which everyone is rewarded according to his behavior. Belief in him helps to put up with reality and believe that nothing bad will happen to those who play by the rules.

Of course, this is a lie. Terrible things just happen to different people, and the guilty can live long and wonderful lives.

So, if something bad happened to a person, you should not try to calm your anxiety by looking for his guilt in what happened.

In such a reaction-reasoning there is not a direct accusation, but an indirect one. But it can make a person even more depressed and guilty.

Natalya Fedorenko practicing psychologist and performer of the YouDo service

9. "If he does this to you again, I will kill him!"

You want to demonstrate that you will always protect the interlocutor, but such an impulse leads to the wrong result. Let's say your words sound quite serious and believable. What if you really hold them back? The aggressor is dead, the defender is in prison. Few would be willing to make such sacrifices.

If the problem recurs, you are unlikely to find out about it, because now you yourself have become a source of danger, not support.

10. “He couldn't do that! What did you do before that?"

The child says that he was hit by the teacher. The employee complains that her boss is forcing her to have sex by threatening to fire her. What do they risk hearing? The very question behind which hides "So, you are to blame for something."

The reason is still the same belief in a just world and respect for authorities. And the result is impunity for the aggressors and the vulnerability of victims.

What to say to someone in trouble

Please note: all inappropriate phrases are associated not with the addressee, but with the one who says them. It doesn't matter if he expresses his doubts or tries to convince himself that something like this will not happen to him, the interlocutor is only an extra in this performance.

If you really want the best for someone in trouble, focus on how they feel. He is suffering, in real pain, even if the problem does not seem significant to you. The best thing you can do is listen, if he wants to share his feelings, of course. Show that you understand what he is talking about, do not judge him, empathize. You do not need euphemisms for this, call everything by its proper names. For example, you can say:

• "This is a terrible situation."
• "I understand how bad you are."
• "I'm on your side, you can count on me."
• "You are not guilty of anything, it could happen to anyone."
• "It must be very painful."

Listen to the needs of the person and do without self-activity if you want to offer help. Just ask what you can do. Often the question itself is enough to make you feel better that you can rely on someone.

And sometimes you don't even need to say anything. Just be there.