50 bad resume tips

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Your resume is not being read? Maybe you just misspell it? Ten pages of text, intricate fonts, more formulaic phrases and a photo with mom or a cropped photo with someone's hand - no recruiter can resist such a resume! Find out how to make your resume look awesome.

The HR director is not writing to you, not Google, not Facebook, not Microsoft, not Apple or even Oracle, or maybe not at all the HR director. These tips are written secretly from recruiters, as they can destroy their sneaky corporate world in which they drink coffee, open our resumes and laugh at them for a long, long time, and then immediately send them to the trash so that no one knows how many good people are. want to join them in the company. This is how they earn their living.

1. Take a photo with a pink pony

Now you will not surprise anyone with an ordinary photo in a shirt on a white or gray background.

Come up with an original idea. Here are some examples:

• A photo with mom will immediately make it clear that you have a reliable rear and will have someone to wake up to work.
• Photo on the beach - you earn good money, you can afford to rest, you need to pay a good salary.
• Graduation photo - you have a college degree.
• A photo with someone, cropped to fit the "passport option" - let the recruiter now puzzle over who you cropped out there.
• Photo with a pink pony - you have imagination and creativity.

2. Write a 10-page resume

Weaklings are quickly blown away and make a résumé of just two pages. Show that you are a strong personality, capable of describing your experience as an office manager on 10 pages. If there are no ideas, just copy a piece of text from the book "Anna Karenina", anyway, no one will read what is there after the first page, but you will leave the impression of a detailed person.

Alternatively, translate your resume into different languages and insert it into one file. Make wider indents, double line spacing, 16-point font size. Improvise! Be creative! Realize!

3. Do not indicate the phone numbers of the referees

List your referees without their phone numbers, let the recruiter be smart and find their contacts himself. Otherwise, what is he getting paid for?

4. Don't forget your exact home address

Write your address with the number of the house, apartment, entrance and entrance code. Write down the floor number and, just in case, the names of the neighbors. God forbid, the recruiter's phone goes down and he personally goes to invite you for an interview, and you did not give clear instructions on where to look for you. As a backup, indicate the address of your grandmother, what if you're eating pies at her place?

5. Mention your zodiac sign

This must be indicated. You know that not all zodiac signs are compatible with each other and every normal recruiter is simply obliged to check you for compatibility with the boss and the team. Just in case, copy your forecast for the next year in your resume, suddenly there you plan to accomplish something, let the recruiter see what benefit you can bring to the company.

6. Put a password on the file

Put the password on the file, and indicate the password in the letter, you can even in the form of a rebus. The recruiter will appreciate how you care about data privacy.

7. Archive

Why take up extra space in a recruiter's mail? What if there is only 5 KB left? A good archiver to help you. I recommend the EXE format - in case the recruiter does not know how to use archivers (and they are all stupid there, right?).

8. Save in ODT format

Show that you are not using a pirated office suite, save the file in the free Open Office format. What if the recruiter's company also has non-pirated software, but there is still no money for a licensed "office"?

9. Copy the job description into your resume

Listen, why bother you at all, if smart people have long written everything in your job description? Just copy. And the recruiter will come in handy: what if he does not have a job description for the position for which they are looking for you? And then your invaluable help arrived!

10. Translate into English with Google Translate

You know that now specialists with knowledge of a foreign language are in great demand. Recruiters themselves do not understand English, but when they see your resume, they will definitely want to invite you for an interview and certainly will not check their knowledge of a foreign language.

11. Use acronyms and slang

Show that you are a real pro. ROI, EBIDTA, KPP, “fish”, KPI, “P2 form” and other smart words will give your resume business-like and show your skill in the profession!

12. Privri

Who will be interested in your experience as a manager? Write "director" right away. If you write numbers, add one more zero.

13. Feel free to highlight everything important in your resume

Italic, bold, underline, colored font, increased size, CAPS LOCK are your faithful friends in highlighting important information.

14. Pictures, infographics, and background fills add sparkle

You are definitely a creative person, and do not be confused by the position of an accountant - let your resume shine with all the colors of the rainbow. After all, it is so fashionable now.

15. Down with Arial and Calibri

Your Word knows over 30 fonts, so why use the default one? A manuscript resume looks great and pleases your eye! So why deprive a recruiter of this pleasure? Let's choose a more interesting font.

16. More template phrases

“Customer focus”, “team player”, “sociability”, “high stress tolerance” - recruiters simply adore these phrases. They are happy to see them on every resume, because it creates a sense of stability in their nervous work. More, more, even more formulaic phrases. When you don't use common phrases, a recruiter cries lonely somewhere.

17. List all reasons for dismissal

For each job, write the reason for leaving. Let the recruiter see that it wasn't you who got kicked out, but that you left this worthless employer who couldn't appreciate your talent!

18. Plates, many plates

Any weakling can make a resume in Word. But only a real pro will be able to arrange it in the form of a plate! What's Word? Do it right away in Excel! Financiers and accountants will certainly appreciate different things!

19. Describe all your relatives

“Married, I have a daughter” - this is no longer surprising. Make a census of your loved ones and don't forget your pets. Let the recruiter see that you are a person with a good pedigree.

20. Encrypt the company name, encrypt the name, encrypt everything

Don't write where you work. The recruiter will definitely start calling your boss and knocking on you. Yes, and the surname is definitely better to remove. Think about what other signs can easily figure you out, and take a good look at the tracks.

21. Describe the goal correctly

Remember this phrase and do not tell anyone. It works deadly on recruiters because they see that you care about the interests of the company and want to do your best for its good.

At the beginning of the resume in large print (just take at least 20) the word "PURPOSE" (yes, it is CAPS LOCK), and then my super-secret phrase (and do not forget to password-protect the file, suddenly the resume will get on the Internet!). So the phrase:

Maximize your potential for the benefit of the company, find an interesting, high-paying job in a decent team.

22. Attach a scan of the diploma

They wrote recently how one deputy was burnt to death by forging his diploma. So, just lay out the scan of the diploma, let them boldly check it, because you have it real! And don't forget the app with ratings. I would also recommend attaching the title of the thesis with the signature of the rector.

23. Disable spell check

When typing a resume (more precisely, copying from a job description or the Internet), turn off the spell checker. I am 100% sure that there will be at least one word, unknown to Word, which he despicably underlines in red. Turn off spell checking to keep your resume looking flawless!

24. Encrypt the message in the file name

First, only the Cyrillic alphabet. It looks so funny when it turns into different funny characters.

Second, make the title long. Let the recruiter already from the name of the file understand who you are and what you are.

Third, there are more spaces. No "_" or other blank placeholders.

Fourth, the incoherent text will make the recruiter look inside and unravel your mysterious message.

25. Cover Letter - Your Last Chance

Do you know which recruiters are lazy these days? Some do not even open resumes and immediately delete them. They say there is even a sect of recruiter-removers. Large corporations are secretly hijacked and all applicants' resumes removed. And you thought, why don't they call you ?!

Therefore, feel free to copy the text of the resume into the text of the letter - now they will definitely not go anywhere with their dastardly eyes and they will read at least a couple of lines from your resume!

26. Request a read receipt

Behind them you need an eye and an eye. Submit your resume and track how quickly a read receipt arrives. Did not come? It is as if the resume fell into the hands of this sect and has already been sent to the trash! Look for workarounds.

27. Beat the Recruiter

Did you see an interesting vacancy? Fine! Do not rush to send your resume to the dirty clutches of a recruiter. Look for the director of the company, or better - the owner.

Send your resume to the one who can really make decisions there, not to these girls-secretaries who are not able to assess your potential.

What? Tips are not 50? Remember tip # 12. And good luck with your search!