What's the right way to say no?

Learning to say no is one of the most rewarding skills to develop, especially when it comes to productivity. By saying no to unnecessary things, we have time for other, more important concerns. Saying no to distractions enables us to focus on what's important to us. And by saying “no” to temptations, we remain on the path to achieving our health.

In fact, the inability to say no is one of the biggest problems even successful entrepreneurs talk about. Indeed, it is very difficult to say no to many things - meeting friends, work, temptations. This is a difficult task and not everyone can handle it. Yet research shows that even small changes can have a significant impact on the ability to say no.

Research: How to Say "No" Correctly

According to the results of the study published in, 120 students were divided into 2 groups. The difference between these groups was as follows: the participants of the first group should say “I cannot”, and the participants of the second “I don’t want”. For example, when participants in 2 groups were seduced with ice cream, the first had to say “I cannot eat ice cream”, and the second “I don’t want to eat ice cream”.

After repeating these phrases many times, the students answered a list of questions, filled out the forms and left, deciding that this was the end of the experiment. In fact, it has just begun. When students took turns entering the room and handing in their answer sheets, they were offered a choice of a chocolate bar and a whole grain bar. And here's what happened:

Students from the “I Can't” group chose a chocolate bar 61% of the time, while students from the “I don’t want” group chose it 36% of the time. This simple change of formulation greatly improved the chances of a person choosing healthier foods.

Why "I don't want" works better than "I can't"

Our words are the formulation of our feelings. In addition, the words we use create feedback in our brain that influences our future behavior. For example, every time we say "I can't," feedback is generated that reminds us of our limitations. In this case, “I don’t want to” speaks of control over the situation and making a conscious choice. This phrase can help you get rid of bad habits and get good ones.

Heidi Halvorson is director of the Center for Scientific Motivation at Columbia University, and she explains the difference between these expressions:

The words “I don’t want” express a choice and therefore feel like the right decision. It is a statement of our determination and willpower. “I can't” is not a choice. This is a limitation that we impose on ourselves. “I can't” undermines our self-confidence and sense of power over the situation.

How to use it in life

Every day there are situations when we need to say no. And very often we are afraid of this word. For example, a waiter who offers dessert in addition to an order, or a desire to skip a workout and stay at home, or distracting SMS, calls, letters that make it difficult to concentrate on something really important. We do not notice the difference between the answers to these small life situations. But, imagine the effect of saying “no” correctly.

“I can’t” and “I don’t want” are words that are very similar in meaning, but psychologically create an absolutely opposite effect. These are not just phrases. They are confirmations of what you believe in and what you do. The ability to overcome temptations and say “no” in time is very important not only for physical health, but also for daily productivity.