Why the habit of being right gets in the way and how to manage it

Efforts do not always lead to the desired result. A person can overwork, study and try to become better, but still not receive a salary increase. Authors of the book “The Context of Life. How to learn to manage the habits that drive us”are sure that it is in our cognitive habits. If you understand them, then you can fix them.

Vladimir Gerasichev, Arsen Ryabukha and Ivan Maurbakh have repeatedly proved this thesis in practice during business trainings. In addition, Ryabukha and Maurbach are psychologists and TEDx speakers, so they have enough experience. With permission from Alpina Publisher, Lifehacker publishes the first chapter of The Context of Life.

The first cognitive habit in question is the habit of being right, that is, constantly returning to the feeling that "my picture of the world is correct", "I interpret events correctly."

It is possible that this habit is inherent in all of us to one degree or another. As supporters of the theory of predictive coding believe, the cortex of the cerebral hemispheres, processing signals that come from the environment, filters them in such a way that the final picture is consistent. It is this function that is most important: not to see and learn something new, but to put together a puzzle in which there are no details that stand out from the general image. If the brain receives a signal that does not fit into this puzzle, most often the cortex ignores this signal or interprets it so as not to bring down the existing picture of the world. Much less often (usually if the "detail" is repeated several times) the brain agrees to change something in the overall picture. This filter of novelty allows our psyche to be more stable.

Sometimes it is so important for us to constantly have a correct and consistent picture of the world before our eyes that this cognitive habit becomes more than just an adaptive mechanism. Our picture of the world in one of the spheres (or in several at once) becomes almost unbreakable, and the signals of reality cannot change it.

We are constantly faced with situations in which people allow the habit of being right to rule themselves. They simply cannot give in, and a struggle begins between rigid pictures of the world, each of which has little to do with flexible, multifaceted reality. Meanwhile, even in the event of a serious conflict of interests, there is always an opportunity to come to an agreement, if the parties can distract themselves for a second from their own righteousness, for a short while admit that the opponent's picture of the world can be at least to some extent correct. This pernicious impossibility, even in imagination, to take the other side is the root of the evil of many irreconcilable conflicts:

the parent demands that the teenager come home to spend the night, and he wants to hang out with friends all night;
the heads of the two workshops accuse each other of disrupting the timing of the manufacture of the device, and each has its own reasons and their own picture of what is happening;
Jews believe that the lands of Palestine belong to Jews, Arabs - that Arabs.

Interestingly, the habit of being right is a bit like a virus: it's contagious. When an opponent insists on his own, we often want to behave as tough, even if we did not initially plan it. We feel that our picture of the world is being encroached upon, and we are strengthening our defenses. This is how people, organizations, countries are involved in the conflict. This lasts until someone stops, tries to accept a different point of view, to hear the arguments of the opponent - in a word, to overcome their habit of being right, to try to control it.

Why do we need the habit of being right

We feel not only tough, but strong, knowledgeable and confident.

We can throw away painful doubts even before they form into some intelligible thought, and thus make decisions faster.

We actively offer our picture of the world to others, convince them, inspire and thus achieve the goal (for example, we sell a product or promote our idea).

How the habit of being right can get in our way

We lose the ability to respond flexibly to changes and see nuances.

We become less empathic, less likely to listen to and understand other people.

We are reluctant to notice our mistakes, which means that we are more likely, as financiers put it, to “add to the losses”.

The desire to be right, like any adaptive mechanism, is neutral in itself and can serve both creation and destruction. The question is whether we can control it - or whether it controls us.

Why we let the habit of being right rule us

Fear of change. Because of him, this habit is most often formed. It is not for nothing that some people with a rigid, inflexible picture of the world are sometimes called conservative (although this is not always connected).
The desire to impose your vision. If a person has an idea, passion, mission, he can go straight to it, without evaluating counter-arguments (which may be significant).
Self-affirmation. Here in the phrase "I am right" the emphasis is on "I". Establishing your position can be a way to rise above the other, to feel better, smarter, stronger than your opponent.
Power Struggle. Whose picture of the world becomes dominant, generally recognized, he is considered a leader, he imposes both the formulation of the problem and its solution. People are fighting for power at all levels - from the school class and family to the country and the world, and everywhere it is a struggle to form a picture of the world, a struggle for righteousness, for what is considered important and correct, and what to filter out.

How to manage your habit of being right

The first thing we need to manage our habit of being right is openness. It is necessary, in principle, to be ready to admit another point of view into your consciousness, which may complement ours or contradict it.

Listen carefully to the interlocutor. Try to understand his position and arguments. It is possible that your points of view do not contradict, but coincide or complement each other. It may also happen that, after listening to someone else's position, you agree with it (or your opponent - with yours) […].
It is better to give up the habit of being right with someone who conflicts with you. To do this, everyone should briefly distract from their part of being right and find their part of the common mistake […].
Breaking the habit of being right is difficult because it hurts the senses. To start making concessions, an assistant who is not involved in the conflict may be required (for example, a moderator in business conflicts, a psychologist in marital conflicts) […].
People have different capacities for change. It may happen that you have to take the first steps. This happens especially often if you are in conflict with a person much older than you: at age, neuroplasticity decreases, the desire to protect your picture of the world increases, and it becomes more difficult to manage the habit of being right. The fact that it is easier for you to understand the other side does not mean that only you will have to make concessions […].
Sometimes the feelings that lead to the habit of being right are much more important than the ones that spark the conflict. This is why the cost of the habit of being right can be prohibitive on both sides. If you remember this in time, it will help to take steps towards […].
To manage your habit of being right, to “turn it on” and “turn it off” in time, it is important to understand what exactly provokes it. You can figure it out on your own, at a training session or with a psychologist […].
If it's not about the habit of being right, but about your values and you're not ready to give up on them, separate your righteousness from self-affirmation. Communicate your point of view and arguments to the interlocutor, but make it clear that you also respect his position […].

“The context of life. How to learn to manage the habits that drive us

The "context of life" will help you take a step forward and get rid of the habits that interfere with development. If you want to see yourself from the outside and understand the cause of the problem, this book will definitely come in handy for you. With new ideas, the results can change.

Alpina Publisher gives Lifehacker readers a 15% discount on the paper version of the book The Context of Life using the CONTEXT21 promo code.