Life after infidelity: how to maintain a relationship

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Different people have different criteria for cheating. Is it just about sex? If so, which one? Is sex with a prostitute cheating? What if the affair on the side was purely virtual? If feelings are involved in treason - is this an aggravating circumstance? What's worse - the fact of treason or what you found out about it?

It would be nice for you and your partner in advance, even before the start of a serious relationship, to decide on these issues. If they emerge (and for many it is not “if”, but “when”), it will happen unexpectedly, and then there will be no time for balanced discussions.

If there is a universal definition, then it sounds like this:

Cheating is a violation of promises of romantic and sexual exclusivity, not sanctioned by a partner.

Why do people cheat

Everyone knows what Tolstoy wrote about happy and unhappy families. The same principle can be applied to adultery: how many couples - so many reasons. But there are general trends.

Biology

Evolution has optimized humans for reproduction, not monogamy. At the beginning of a relationship (at the stage that is commonly called falling in love), certain hormones are released in the human body that regulate and support these feelings.

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The set is partially different for men and women, but the mechanism itself is aimed at one goal: to bring two people together for a time sufficient for them to conceive a child and take care of him together while he is in infancy. "Further - as evolution tells us - figure it out yourself."

This does not mean that humans are incapable of long-term monogamy. It's just that in this game we initially have a not very successful hand.

Striving for diversity

Desire is based on novelty. The entire market for pornography and erotic goods is based on this law. We are turned on by something that we have not yet tried, therefore, in the embryonic stage of love, desire hits our brains so hard, but over the years it melts away, and this is a completely natural process.

There are couples who know how to revive passion and look at such a familiar person with a “new look”, but for this you need to know yourself very well, know your partner and have a reserve of patience.

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In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, when you have some business and some children in your hands, it is often easier to find a quick "dose" on the side.

Dissatisfaction

"We have different libido", "I love BDSM, but my husband does not", "I love blowjob, but my wife is disgusted." Paradoxically, such "small details" are often found out when they have been in a relationship for months, if not years.

Libido can be hypertrophied in the initial stages (see the previous point), but plummet down to a level that is natural for a person (and yes, this also happens with men) when a general budget and unreleased garbage come to replace dating in a dark cinema.

Many at first go to sex at atypical or even uncomfortable things for themselves (because they were blown away by feelings or in the expectation of “this is only once”), and then they are surprised to find that this is not at all once and that without hormonal euphoria, whipping a partner they are no longer having fun with the whip.

If a person is not ready to compromise, his not finding the desired partner is faced with a choice: deny himself and endure or seek satisfaction on the side. Many choose the latter. And they can be understood.

It is finished - what's next

Hundreds of pages of text can be written (and written) about how to prevent cheating, but we are talking about a fait accompli with two assumptions:

1. Cheating is an anomaly. A partner that goes beyond the framework of the agreements does not do this systematically, it just happened this time.
2. The second participant in the relationship somehow found out about this.

Both

Understand the reasons

Ideally, this is a work for two, but if you have changed, and your partner is able to think only with interjections and obscenities, then the responsibility for self-digging and analysis lies mainly with you.“I was not given two years”, “I just love sleeping with different people”, “I don’t want him / her anymore” - everything is more or less clear here, although it is often possible to correct the situation.

It's another matter when you yourself do not understand why you changed it. Or you know, but want to repeat the situation. Then you have to get to the bottom of it. Maybe go to a psychoanalyst or hang out with a close friend who knows you well and is not afraid to tell the truth. You can learn a lot about yourself.

If they cheated on you, and the scarlet veil was already asleep, the main thing is not to get carried away with either self-flagellation (even if it is you who are to blame) or accusations (this does not help for long, and you can say too much). To get started, just answer the question; why did the betrayal happen? This answer often contains a recipe for rekindling a relationship, or an understanding that there is nothing left to rekindle.

Don't get everyone involved in this

The desire to cry (or consult) in such a situation is perfectly understandable, but there are three rules.

quantity ≠ quality

what do you need vs what a friend can give you

we are especially careful with mutual friends

Firstly, there is not always a direct relationship between the amount of tears shed / disseminated details and your well-being. At some point, when the severity subsides a little, you should close your mouth, wipe away your tears and decide something.

Second, not all friends are the same. There are people who know how to listen. Others know how to keep secrets. Still others can give good advice. If there is one person who combines all three qualities, you are in luck. Otherwise, choose your vests and your advisors wisely and make it clear what exactly you expect from the conversation.

The third rule speaks for itself.

And never get kids involved

Young children suffer the most from such situations. Yes, you feel hurt, hurt, lousy, but at least you understand what is happening and can take control of the situation. They can not.

What happened is relevant only to you, and the child who adores you is not able to understand the nuances. When he enters the room without knocking and asks his mother: "Why are you crying?" - or asks my dad why he is collecting things, there is not a single reasonable reason to tell the truth. Or half-truth. Or even hint.

No matter what happens, no matter how difficult your situation is, your children are not to blame for anything, they love their parents and want everything to be fine in their world. Let your problems not touch them. Grow up - explain if necessary.

If you have changed

Give your partner what he wants

Someone wants to cry. Let her cry. Someone - to burn the photographs. Let them burn. Someone wants to know all the details. Really, to trembling knees. With whom, how, when, how it was. In what position. If you can't get out, give them. No emotion, no show and no complacency, just dry facts.

Someone wants to be alone and think things over. Pack your things and go to your friends / sister / parents. Or do not bother your partner to leave on his own, if he is unbearable in your common house.

Don't judge, interpret, or laugh at the absurd ways a person is trying to deal with stress. Just step aside and try not to frown when the service presented by your mother for housewarming flies against the wall. You didn't really like him.

Patience

Don't force a return to the status quo. What you're used to - a warm smile at breakfast, a kiss before leaving for work, sex in the end - can be postponed indefinitely. Even if you were forgiven in words, the sediment, as they say, remained, and it must be given time to settle.

Someday it will be blocked by new pleasant impressions and emotions - you will be surprised how often the absence of some trifle, like a kiss before work, sets your brains and reminds you of what you could have lost - but for now you will have to live in a state of "cold war".

Be patient.

If they cheated on you

Refuse betrayal "in return"

Firstly, such decisions are impulsive, and the “accomplice” is chosen not from the head, but according to the principle “who will turn up” or worse - “so that it hurts”, like a brother or sister of a traitor, a friend / girlfriend, etc. In the best case you will be able to forget about the problems. For a minute. In the worst case (if the connection with someone from your inner circle is revealed when you and your partner made up, for example), a huge scandal will happen.

Many are ready to forgive accidental betrayal, but not with "this" person.

Prioritize

We come to the point. The bottom line is that you are faced with a choice.

On the one hand	With another
love friendship X years together memories plans a family children common goals common property	accidental hookup

»

What's more important?

Don't answer right away. Do not say “well, of course, the first,” because you think that someone is expecting this from you. Really weigh it.

In a relationship that has emerged from the stage of falling in love, it is very easy to get bogged down in a routine and forget why you, in fact, love a person. Why is it so important to you. Why do you appreciate him and want to be with him more than anyone else.

Take this betrayal as an excuse to wake up and look around. You were pulled out of your usual waters by your hair. Now what?

Be honest with yourself

There are people for whom betrayal is the worst possible, a complete fiasco, an unforgivable blow. If this is about you, act accordingly. It doesn't matter whether it is good or bad, you are so arranged, and often attempts to go against your nature in an effort to maintain a relationship at any cost can sink this boat completely.

Even if you hold back with all your might, do not say anything, do not show in any way - all the same. This persistent offense, like a cancerous tumor, will whine day after day, haunt you, eat from the inside - if not your relationship, then you yourself. In the end, you will either break off (and the longer you hold on, the more sophisticated and dangerous the breakdown will be), or you will be so exhausted that the breakup will be a relief.

Have pity on yourself.

Total

Cheating is a sensitive topic, and the main reason here is that we often (especially in love) apply extremely strict standards to ourselves and our loved ones. Find any statistical study on divorce. One of the main reasons is cheating. Most spouses (both men and women) cheated at least once while they were in a union. But people still expect absolute fidelity, and many believe that this is a given, that it is “natural” (whatever that means) and should be given effortlessly.

The truth is, being faithful in a long-term relationship is difficult for almost everyone. Therefore, in romantic comedies, we rarely see what happens after "I love you." Dirty diapers disappear by themselves and everyone always has an orgasm.

Let's not pretend and just talk about it. Because the connection between two people does not have to end with one mistake.