How to maintain a relationship if you are a hopeless selfish

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

How to save a relationship from collapse? A difficult question when it comes to you personally.

In the modern world, the value of the concept "we" is rapidly falling. More and more people think egocentrically: "There is my opinion and the wrong one." Individual rather than public interests are at the forefront.

Advances in technology and the popularization of social media are catalyzing this process. The ability to use a telephone or computer becomes more important than communication skills. Think how often our attention is drawn to gadgets when we meet with loved ones.

How does this affect relationships?

You cannot call a healthy relationship in which everyone thinks only of themselves.

The authoritative family psychologist, professor at the University of Washington John Gottman has researched more than 3 thousand married couples, their behavior and habits. He developed a diagnostic system that makes it possible to determine with a high degree of probability whether a couple will be together in the future.

One of the questions that helps to understand this sounds like this:

What is the partner's daily behavior oriented towards: "I" or "WE"?

In such a difficult matter as marriage, the answer decides whether the spouses part or not. The more selfish their actions are, the closer they are to breaking up.

The temptation to make decisions alone is very great. The desire for independence and freedom is rooted in human nature. But in family life, permanent independence is destructive.

Thinking and behavior in the style of “I! My! To me! destroy relationships. Self-centeredness is ridiculous in Family Guy and The Simpsons, but in life it leads to ruin. The first couple of years you may not notice this, but after a long time the person gets so tired of the partner's ego that he is ready to break the connection with him. In 97% of cases, people get divorced after seven years.

Why seven?

Gottman did another study. This time with Robert W. Levenson. Scientists have analyzed the past research of colleagues and determined that the seven-year mark in the length of family life is the most vulnerable.

In search of the cause, psychologists have found out that “I” -directed thinking leads to a crisis. Self-centeredness breeds almost daily quarrels, which, in turn, erode the foundation of relationships. It also affects the intimate sphere: the emotions and desires of the partner are ignored, sometimes physical or psychological violence occurs.

Having children increases the chances of maintaining a marriage. But if the spouses are connected not by love, but by a moral duty, then they will divorce as soon as the children grow up. If there are no children or other mutual obligations (for example, mortgages), then the couple is unlikely to last even seven years.

But what about "healthy egoism"?

Many remember John Gault's relationship with Dagny Taggart from Atlas Shrugged. Their romance was based on the principle:

I swear on my life and love for her that I will never live for the sake of another person and I will never ask or force another person to live for me.

Is it bad to think about yourself? Indeed, without a strong "I" -concept there is no self-confidence and self-esteem.

Indeed, everything has its positive and negative aspects. But the life of an individual as such and life in marriage are somewhat different things.

Self-esteem is like yin and yang - balance is important. The ability to value yourself is good if you don't fall into narcissism.

A simple example. You bought a cool sports car without consulting your spouse or ignoring her or his opinion. In your eyes, you are the lucky one that everyone envies. This purchase has increased your self-esteem and possibly even social status. But what does the wife (husband) feel?

On the other hand, buying, for example, a video game you like does not require discussion at the family council. (Of course, you are not so limited in finances that the choice is between food and play?) Spouses must a priori respect and support each other's interests.

I am an egoist! What am I to kill now?

Many admit themselves to be selfish, but few feel remorse. Is it bad?

In fact, people always act in their own interests. We show selfishness even when we help someone. No matter how altruistic a person may be, she is still waiting for a reward - to share the joy or receive praise. This is the so-called ethical selfishness. It is seen as a motivational factor - something that makes us do something for others.

However, the desire to help each other atrophies in modern society. The population grows in proportion to the increase in the level of narcissism. Such a phenomenon as a selfie, accentuates a person on his own "I", and the absorption of television content forces one to compare oneself with the characters on the screens. "Why the hell are they rich and I'm not?"

Since childhood, we compare ourselves and others. Me and relatives, me and classmates, me and passers-by. But the media are raising the bar, forcing us to compare ourselves to movie stars and models. Hence the narcissism and the need for constant protrusion of one's "I".

Also, narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy for people. Such individuals do not show sincere pity and sympathy, even vowing to be with someone in grief and joy until death do them part.

I don't feel sorry for anyone. Am I a narcissist?

No.

External indifference can be caused by various factors: grief, depression, resentment. It can also serve as a mask to hide vulnerability.

Science has established that true narcissists have no or malfunctioning amygdala in the brain.

The amygdala is an area of the brain that plays a key role in the formation of both positive (empathy, pleasure) and negative emotions (fear, anxiety).

Amygdala problems are also found in psychopaths. Calmly! They are not necessarily serial killers (although most of them have psychopathic disorders).

Psychopathy is a syndrome characterized by heartlessness towards others, decreased ability to empathize, self-centeredness, and superficial emotional responses.

There are so-called functional psychopaths. They live among us. The difference between them and subclinical psychopaths is that the former control the "dark sides" of their personality. Moreover, composure and prudence help them build a career.

The difference between clinical forms of psychopathy and antisocial personality manifestations is visible on brain scans.

But even people with a normal amygdala may feel the need for increased attention to themselves. Psychology professor Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me (""), has conducted a large-scale case study. Its results showed:

Narcissistic personality disorder is three times more common in today's 20s than in the 65+ generation; 2009 students are 58% more narcissistic than 1982 students.

The thirst for self-affirmation grows every decade:

• My opinion is extremely important.
• I deserve a high income.
• I have to become famous.
• I will marry (marry) only the ideal woman (the ideal man).
• I must be claimed.
• Today I need this subject for happiness.

Although it is much more important to ask yourself:

• How do I live? What do I want from life?
• Who am I?
• Can I get better?

Ok, I understood everything. What to do?

First of all, eradicate the "I" -thinking. Think back to the romantic period of your relationship when you first met or started dating. Then you studied the facets of each other's character and were sensitive to the opinion of your partner. An amazing metamorphosis took place: two “I” united by common goals and dreams and became “WE”. "We get married". "We will live by the sea." "We will give birth to a son."

The romance fades and the ego comes out again. But, believe me, suppressing it does not mean being spineless or giving up your goals. By giving up the “I” thinking, you will bring harmony back into the relationship.

What saves humanity from death in tragic moments in history (wars, natural disasters, etc.)? That's right - consolidation. Individuals become society, pushing disagreements into the background. The picture of the world from the “we” position is more complete and objective than from one's own bell tower. "We" are stronger than "I".

In the face of danger and misfortune, not only spouses unite, but entire nations. Remember this when building family relationships.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (published in Russian under the title "Map of Love" in 2011), John Gottman gives seven recommendations on how to maintain a relationship.

1. Draw a "love map". Instead of counting the cracks in the boat of love, consider what you are doing to fix it. Do not dump your problems on your spouse thoughtlessly. The more you strive to understand your partner's desires and feelings, the more response you will get.
2. Cherish love. Offensive words and annoying character traits instantly pop up in memory. Especially in quarrels. If you want to preserve the relationship, think about why you fell in love with the person. Write down a list of reasons why you value it on paper.
3. Be attentive to each other. The spouses know each other as they know themselves. If you see that something is wrong with your significant other (the partner has become deliberately talkative or, on the contrary, silent), do not miss it. Do not arrange interrogations and forced psychotherapy sessions. Just be there, create conditions for a loved one to want to share their experiences.
4. Take the relationship for granted. You are together, you are a couple. Your decisions and actions affect your partner. Don't act selfishly. Always reckon with the position of your spouse, consult and come to a common denominator.
5. Place dots over the i. "You throw socks!", "And you don't know how to cook!" - mutual recriminations end in quarrels. Don't criticize - offer a solution. "Honey, can we buy a basket-shaped laundry basket?" "Honey, shall we sign up for a cooking class?"
6. Look for a way out of the impasse. Both are to blame for the problem. Is always. Sulking like a mouse on the rump and building walls of imaginary indifference is a dead end. Without the ability to forgive, relationships are doomed. Know how to lay down your weapons and throw out the white flag.
7. Create general meanings. In a relationship, the distribution of roles is important: domestic (I take the children out of the garden, and I cook dinner) and spiritual. A family differs from a novel in that the two do not just spend time together, but unite their lives with a common meaning. Their dreams and desires are inseparable.