How not to stick to girls: 6 unforgivable mistakes

Romantic dating for people in general is a gray area. We are weak in this. We do not even have a suitable word for this, only the vernacular: "roll up", "pester", "stir up". What should you call a situation in which you have just started communicating? Or have you known each other for a long time, but would like to transfer the relationship to a romantic level? There is no such word.

We often cover up our awkwardness and insecurity with bravado, aggression, or simply behave strangely. It ruins our lives as well as those with whom we would like to get closer. Even with the best of intentions and pure feelings, it is easy not only to offend a person, but also to instill in him serious anxiety or fear. The only way to learn to do the right thing is to try everything on yourself.

Understand how you would like to be spoken to, in what conditions the transition from casual to intimate communication would seem appropriate and safe to you, and do so.

Let's take a look at the worst ways popular culture has taught us to start romantic communication.

1. Be sudden

The main thing that all bad tackles have in common is surprise. Catching a girl with a kiss by surprise, passionately grabbing her hand, or suddenly saying something sexy over dinner with a coworker is a good idea only for movies. In reality, it scares, puts a person in an awkward and vulnerable position.

Why is that bad

Sudden actions violate personal space and deprive the receiving party of a sense of security. In general, this is the essence of harassment - inappropriate and spontaneous kisses, strokes, or offers.

We often don't take talk of harassment seriously. It seems silly, insignificant and somehow too subtle. To debunk these myths, actor David Schwimmer, known to us as Ross from the TV series "Friends", six short films under the hashtag "This is harassment" (# That’sHarrasment). A kind of training manual, so that everyone understands what people mean after all. In short scenes with a light plot, Schwimmer reveals how inappropriate tackling instills real anxiety in girls and a sticky sense of fear and insecurity.

In one of the videos, a very simple situation: the boss and his subordinate lingered after work. He asked her with something to help, she successfully coped and was about to leave. He detained her, began to ask her sweetly about something, and then kissed her.

- Sorry, I have a boyfriend.

- It's okay, I'm married. I just wanted to show how much I appreciate you.

You can't do that. How inappropriate and really rude this is can be judged by how nervous the boss got in this scene when he realized that his interests would not be answered: he blocked the girl's path and made sure that no one would find out about it.

Be sure that if you want to hide, forget, cross out how you drive wedges towards someone, this is a bad way to take your relationship to the next level.

There are people who do this deliberately, on purpose, in order to feel their power over others and try to leave unpunished. But there are others who can get into such a situation out of stupidity and cause emotional trauma to a person by accident. If working with the former is a matter for themselves, society and therapists, then the latter simply need to return to the rule of doing as you would like to be treated.

How to

Invite the person over for coffee, tell them what you like and what interests you. This versatile design fits everyone. Whether you want to start a romantic, only sexual relationship with a new acquaintance or try to start an affair with a colleague. All this can be done openly, adequately, without embarrassing anyone. Indicate sympathy and patiently wait for an answer.

If you offer bonuses for spending time together - money, career or services - you will join the first echelon of power-hungry people. Expect punishment from society, she will catch up.

2. Being inappropriate to be frank

The image of successful people is now really associated with active sexuality. Openness in a conversation about intimate things can look dashing, cocky and attractive, but only if it is appropriate and both of you are ready for such communication. Otherwise, most likely, the communication will end and you will scare the interlocutor completely. Or, if you come across a person with developed sympathy, get an explanatory comment: "I am embarrassed to talk about this, we are friends / colleagues / barely know each other."

Why is that bad

Offering sex, talking about your experience, asking about the practices of the interlocutor is a popular way among both men and women to break out of the sphere of ordinary communication or the friend zone. However, the party who takes this approach often feels betrayed and deceived: "We were friends, and he / she only wants sex from me." It is much more effective in such situations to avoid radical proposals.

Above is one of the videos in the This is Harassment series, a great illustration of how inappropriate frankness overwhelms the interlocutor and puts you in a vulnerable position. Dirty jokes and vulgar analogies never defuse the atmosphere. This is visibility.

How to

It will be natural to describe your feelings and desires. It should be borne in mind that the interlocutor might not think about the romantic development of your relationship. Give her time to process your words. If the interest is mutual, be sure: they will return to you with an answer. If not, take someone else's decision and move on. You should not feel rejected: you are a brave and caring person, this is part of working on yourself.

3. Send a photo of yourself naked

A separate issue of inappropriate frankness is "dikpiki". This word is now used in scientific research to refer to cases when someone sends someone a photo of their genitals. Millennials, those who are now under 35, are often addicted to this.

The American analytical agency YouGov has published statistics of 53% of millennial women have received a naked photo from a man, according to which one in four modern young men sent photos of their genitals to a woman. Only in 34% of cases did the addressees ask them about it, in the rest it was a spontaneous decision.

When respondents were asked to describe the phenomenon of “dikpiks”, women said it was rude (49%), stupid (48%) and sad (24%). Only men found these messages sexual (30%), although also rude (32%).

Why is that bad

The problem is not in the photos themselves, but in the relevance. If you are sexual partners, great. But if you want to send an intimate photo to someone unfamiliar or completely unfamiliar, stop.

First of all, there is no effect: after all, both men and women agree that this is rude. In addition, "dikpiks" severely violate the personal space of the interlocutor. If you want to be a villain, this is a great tool, but if you still want to be respected and pleasant (at least to yourself) person - you shouldn't. About how much a sudden exposure can really be discouraging - in one of David Schwimmer's videos.

How to

Never send your nude photos to people with whom you are not romantically involved. If it’s completely unbearable and it seems that now it will be just the right thing and will raise the degree of the conversation, be sure to ask in plain text if your interlocutor wants this. This will help rekindle passion, not burn bridges.

4. In communication, jump right off the bat

In our culture, there is no small talk - light talk about nothing. This makes it difficult for us to get close to people. We just don't know how to do it. This is partly why many dating apps in Russia are more frustrating than pleasing.

In a situation where we need to start communication in order to get to know each other better, we often ask about too personal or give out intimate information about ourselves. We begin to talk about childhood traumas or other subtle experiences.

In addition, the traditional "What are you doing?" and "What are you doing?" turn out to be useless and inappropriate in small talk, writes blogger and sexual educator Tatyana Nikonova.

Tatyana Nikonova blogger and sexual educator

An unknown person, who is not even a person for you yet, because he is not standing in front of you. Nothing is known about him, whether his name and age are real and whether the photographs are real. And suddenly questions begin: "How was your day?" Why would an adequate person suddenly begin to report their affairs to the phantom on the monitor?

Why is that bad

Revelations during dating rob the communication of balance. It is very easy to scare or embarrass the other person.

How to

The way out of the situation is not to be frank ahead of time and not to push with questions. It is worth giving out information in portions, gradually. You talk about yourself: about your experience, hobbies, social issues that concern you right now. The interlocutor, in response to himself - is mirrored, in the same proportions. So you take the time to get to know and get used to the new company.

5. Do not prepare too long for the slide

Doing your homework is a hit tip in pickup circles. Many people think that before you start dating a girl, you need to prepare. Study her pages on social networks, find out what she likes, in order to be in communication with the goals.

Why is that bad

First of all, it is important to be natural in communication. If you take the time to prepare, you are more likely to form a false image of the person.

How to

Don't make too much fuss. If you are interested in a person, communicate, this is the only way to close relationships. First of all, you need to look at the girl as an interlocutor. Listen to it with interest and tell about yourself with pleasure. This will provide rich ground for conversation. "Domashka" will prevent you from being genuinely surprised at new things and will confuse you.

6. Make people make decisions

Publicly confessing feelings is almost always bad form. It looks good only on the screen.

Why is that bad

When proposing a relationship, it is important to create an environment in which the person will feel comfortable and, if necessary, can easily take a break to think. Explaining in public, you surround the person with traps. He will look cruel if he refuses, and for many it is very important to maintain an image. You strengthen your arguments not by volitional actions or your own qualities, but by the oppression of opinions from the outside.

How to

Offer to take the relationship to the next level in private and indicate that you do not expect an answer here and now. Let the girl think and don't push.

Outcomes

What not to do when you want to start a relationship:

Suddenly kiss the person with whom you have just started communicating. It only looks good in the movies, but in real life it is rough and strange.
Suddenly start talking about sex or suggesting it when you are friends or just acquaintances. It doesn’t work, it’s discouraging. Share your feelings and give the other person time to understand your interest.
Send a nude photo of yourself if you are not a couple yet. Women don't find it sexy.
Ask about personal questions if you barely know each other. Be consistent in your communication, get closer gradually.
Do your homework and study a person on social networks. Only live communication will allow you to understand how much you fit together, and will give you the opportunity to check it.
Make proposals in public. You leave her no choice. That's rough.