How to correctly refuse a child to purchase

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Whims and tantrums due to refusal to buy something is not normal. What can you do to avoid such scenes? What is the right way to behave if you have to say no to your child? You will find answers to these important questions in our article.

"Give! Buy it! Want!" Every parent is confronted with these words. It is far from always possible and necessary to answer the child's requests with consent. By refusing, parents form in the child an idea of the boundaries, that not all of his desires will be immediately fulfilled.

Our today's consultant, psychologist, psychotherapist, employee of the Scientific Center for Mental Health of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences, speaks about the importance of correct refusal in raising a child.

Elena Perova employee of the Scientific Center for Mental Health of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences

Forming in the child an idea of the boundaries, that not all of his wishes will be fulfilled, you are doing a very important thing. From children who are accustomed to immediately getting everything they want, or to achieve their goal with the help of manipulations, infantile adults grow up, who will then face problems. However, it is important not to go too far, so think carefully about where the boundaries lie for you, what you are ready to allow the child, and what you really think is unacceptable and wrong.

But children are not too happy with this alignment. It happens that a real war unfolds between an adult and a child, and this is bad for any outcome. How can you refuse a child in order to minimize the likelihood of conflict?

1. Divert attention

The easiest way to avoid unnecessary purchases is to distract your child's attention. Remind your baby of something pleasant and interesting.

The attention of young children is often diverted to cheaper toys.

By begging for an attractive toy, the child wants to experience positive emotions. Give him these emotions with the help of cheaper and more useful means for development. But do not overuse this advice, otherwise the child will get used to the fact that every trip to the store means a purchase.

2. Postpone the purchase

This is another commonly used technique that allows you not to refuse a request, but also not to fulfill it.

It is worth using this technique only if you are really going to buy this toy for your child at the appointed time. Many parents make promises easily without intending to keep them. They hope that the child will simply forget. This is not the best idea: children quickly realize that an adult is simply lying to them, and stop believing any words and promises.

3. Use the right tone

So, it was not possible to distract the child, we have to say a firm “no”. It is very important which tone you choose, as children are very good at reading the emotions of adults. A rejection spoken in an ingratiating and apologetic tone will not be taken seriously.

On the contrary, feeling weakness, the child will increase the pressure. On the other hand, the child takes the excessive severity in the parent's voice at his own expense, he thinks that the adult is angry with him. Communicate with your baby in a calm and even tone. It is good if you have the opportunity to sit down, be on the same level with the child and express your “no” eye to eye.

4. Explain with an eye to age

After the refusal has sounded, it is advisable to explain it. But the explanation must be given taking into account the age of the child.

Preschoolers do not yet understand the essence of commodity-money exchange, such phrases as "too expensive" or "costs too much" are empty words for them. “It's too early for you” will not be perceived either, although the opposite “what are you doing, this is for kids!” quite capable of convincing the child.

Avoid abstract explanations: instead of "unhealthy" it is better to say "teeth ache". And the abstract “too expensive” can be replaced with something concrete:

5. Refuse by agreeing

Let's say the child is not satisfied with the explanation and he continues to beg for the coveted toy. Psychologists advise using the "Yes, but …" tactic. First, you repeat to the child his own words, agreeing with them, and then again bring your arguments.

This game can go on for a long time, but with due perseverance, the victory will be for the adult. The child is left to either accept, or use prohibited techniques.

6. Don't give in, even if you have a tantrum

Realizing that he has no arguments, the child uses the last and most powerful tool - tears, throwing a tantrum right in the middle of the store. All psychologists are unanimous here:

Never, ever let your child get it this way.

As soon as the parents give in and give in once, tantrums will be repeated more and more often. There is also one advice on how to proceed in this case: take the child in your arms and carry it away.

Take it to the car, go around the corner - anywhere, just away from the audience. Tell your child that this behavior is unacceptable and that you will not talk until he or she calms down. Otherwise, don't react in any way. The screams may intensify at first. But if you don't pay any attention to it, the baby will have to calm down. Being hysterical, the child also does not experience any pleasant sensations, and if you do not indulge such behavior, it will stop.

7. Be consistent

Consistency is one of the cornerstones of parenting. If today "chupa-chups is harmful", and tomorrow "take it, you won't lag behind," then the child will not take any refusal seriously. And each time it will be more difficult to say “no”, because the kid knows that the ban can be canceled.

But "consistent" does not mean "adamant" at all. A parent, like any person, can change his mind if there are reasons for it.

For example, the child was not allowed to have a pet due to irresponsibility. Then he begins to do his own homework, put things away, fold toys, showing that he is not irresponsible at all. In this case, there is nothing to worry about lifting the ban.

8. Agree on waivers with all family members

Another very important principle. If dad refused to buy a toy or candy, mom, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, and so on should support this refusal. The weak link is often the older generation: grandparents cannot resist the requests of their grandchildren. Children, on the other hand, very quickly learn to use the differences of adults to their advantage. As a result, the authority of the parents suffers, and the child's notion of boundaries is blurred, which is not at all useful for him.

9. Try to get the child to agree with the refusal

Voluntary refusal not only excludes whims and begging, it forms will and self-control, this will be very useful for the child in the future. If a child is spoiled, then he himself is unlikely to give up anything. You should not expect a voluntary refusal from preschoolers, it is easier to distract them. With an older child, you can talk about the cost, about your principles:

Perhaps it is better to postpone this conversation until later, when you have already left the window with an attractive object. Younger schoolchildren are already able not only to accept the refusal of an adult, but also to agree with it.

Saying “no”, it should be remembered that wanting and achieving what you want is not just normal for a child, it is good. He will do this all his life. And he will do exactly in the ways that he learned in childhood. Therefore, do not rush to say "no", think, talk to the little man. And if you decide to refuse, then refuse correctly.