The art of listening: how to become a good conversationalist

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Everyone can talk or just chat, but not everyone knows how to listen. It would seem that this is so difficult? Just be quiet and nod at the right moments. In fact, everything is not so simple. Listening to another person is a whole art, and it is always pleasant to talk with people who really know how to listen, they want to tell something and also want to listen to them. How can I learn this? Read this article.

When they think that you are dying, they really listen to you, and not just wait their turn to speak.

The unnamed protagonist from Fight Club

If you constantly interrupt people, trying to insert your opinion, chatting incessantly, not allowing others to speak, your listening ability goes into a minus and it is unlikely that it is pleasant to communicate with you on any topic.

But even if you do not interrupt, but simply remain silent, waiting for the interlocutor to speak out and politely continue the conversation, this does not mean at all that you know how to listen.

When someone shares something with you, it’s not just an opportunity to tell a story about the topic later. This is an opportunity to give him all your attention, to understand his point of view, and not to go over some of your adventures in your head at this time and certainly not to sit staring at the phone.

So what does it take to acquire this useful skill? Here are eight tips for those looking to become a truly pleasant conversationalist.

1. Decide how to behave in communication

Think about what kind of friend / relative / coworker you want to be: listening, understanding and attentive, or a constantly interrupting chatter who is not interested in anything.

Set in your head the ideal of the person you want to become, and try to behave accordingly. If you have a friend or acquaintance with whom it is easy and pleasant to communicate, try to copy some of his manners during communication.

Whenever possible, ask yourself: "Am I now behaving like the friend, partner, relative, or employee that I want to be?" If not, change your behavior.

2. Make eye contact

Look at the person you are talking to, it is not that difficult. Put your phone away, do not look at what is happening around, observe only the person you are talking to.

Talking to someone who isn't looking at you is unpleasant to say the least. Doubts immediately arise whether they are listening to you or whether attention has long gone to other objects.

When a person says, "I'm listening, I'm just multitasking," that's even worse. There are no multitasking people, because you cannot focus on two objects at the same time, it will rush from one to the other and a person simply will not understand anything from what was said or from what was done at that time.

In this situation, in close relationships, the desire to talk, to tell something, disappears altogether. To prevent this from happening, just always look in your eyes, because your attention is a great gift for loved ones (and not close ones too).

3. Show that you are listening

Smile, laughter, openness, even just sounds confirming that you are listening to a person: "mmm", "aha", "exactly" - all this creates in the interlocutor the feeling that you are carried away by his story.

You can really get carried away by what he tells, for this you just need not to be distracted, but to penetrate into the essence of the story. But if this is not interesting to you at all, there is a choice: either not communicate at all or pretend that you are listening in order to please him.

Just do not overdo it: if you say the above phrases and sounds too often, it will seem that you are rushing the other person to finish quickly and give you the opportunity to pour a stream of your stories on him.

4. Pause

After your interlocutor has spoken, pause for a short two seconds. They may seem like an eternity if you really want to tell something, but just try it.

If your interlocutor has not finished or wants to add something, these two seconds will give him such an opportunity and you will listen to him to the end without the awkward: "Wait, I have not finished yet."

5. Ask questions

Instead of just taking turns telling stories, try to start a discussion about a point. Ask the person what he thinks about this, how he imagines something, and so on.

Asking about something, you kind of invite into the conversation, give you the opportunity to speak out and show interest in the opinion of the interlocutor.

You will be remembered and loved faster if you show interest: everyone adores themselves and appreciates attention to their person.

6. Monitor your beliefs

We often do not even notice how we behave during a conversation. We are used to dominating dialogue, telling epic stories, endlessly expressing our opinions, or even repeating them several times.

It has become a habit, but this does not mean that if you want to, you will not be able to get rid of it, find a balance in the conversation and learn to listen as well as to speak.

Of course, in most conversations, you will turn on autopilot again, but try to track your behavior and change it.

If you notice that you are no longer listening to the interlocutor, but are scrolling in your head stories that can be told after he is silent, stop yourself, return your attention to where it should be - to the interlocutor's speech, and try to understand at least something from the rest of his story.

If you, having said the next “yeah,” looked down at your smartphone and thought whether to check the weather, time or e-mail, stop yourself, remove your hand from the phone and look at your interlocutor.

If your attention has drifted behind a passing beautiful car or a person passing by, return it back to the person who is talking to you.

By keeping your habit under control, you can gradually wean off distractions, and believe me: conversations will then become much more interesting.

7. Assess the story before you tell it

If you manage to catch yourself before telling another story, evaluate if it fits the topic of discussion.

Maybe your experience will really be interesting and useful for another person, maybe it will be an appropriate story that will make everyone laugh - great, tell me.

But if not, if you just remembered some old story, the only purpose of which is to say at least something, you should reconsider your intentions.

Maybe if your story does not carry any useful information at all that could interest another person, it is not worth telling it at all? Maybe it's better to ask a question to the interlocutor and find out something else?

8. Exercise

If you do not like all these exercises, you just want to chat incessantly and not think about anything, remember why you decided to learn to listen at all.

By training constantly, you will change old habits for new ones, and it will not be so difficult for you to listen to the end without even looking through your mail.

Pick a person in your environment to whom you would like to give more attention, and use each conversation with him as a training in the art of listening.

Of course, it won't work right away and it will take a lot of discipline, attentiveness and thoughtful pauses, but eventually you will learn. And deeper and deeper relationships will be your reward.