Why women are silent and smile in response to harassment

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

At least four reasons affect the victim's behavior, but there are just as many ways to eliminate them.

In April 2020, a student at Moscow State University Daria Varakina accused teacher Dmitry Funk of sexual harassment. She spoke about the incident on her Instagram.

Daria's post contains the following detail: “I ignored disgusting comments. I talked about what I had originally planned, even though I understood all the meaninglessness."

This reaction to harassment is not uncommon. 70% of women faced Who fell victim to harassment? with workplace harassment. At the same time, according to the results of the Sexual Harassment survey conducted by the Public Opinion Foundation, 72% of Russians have never heard of this happening to their friends or relatives.

We hardly often see a woman hitting her offender, yelling at him, or otherwise expressing indignation in response to a greasy compliment or an obscene gesture. Most women, according to the research Job and Health Outcomes of Sexual Harassment and How Women Respond to Sexual Harassment, react passively to such situations: they silently endure, ignore, and psychologically withdraw.

Why women don't fight back

1. Do not want to appear impolite

Do not scream. Don't worry. Be humble. Be polite. What will people think?

It is not customary in society as a whole to protest violently when something bad happens to you. Of course, if they are robbed or killed, you can shout, but in other cases, other attitudes are triggered: "Don't do drama" and "Be quiet."

The idea of being calm, agreeable and comfortable has been hammered into the heads of their children by many parents from an early age. All children, but especially girls.

If a boy defends himself or provokes a conflict, they approve: "Give him back", "Be able to stand up for yourself", "You're a man." As a last resort, they can reprimand: “Did you fight again? Oh, these boys!"

As a rule, they demand something else from a girl: “Be wiser”, “Do not provoke”, “Stay sweet and gentle”, “Remember that strength is in weakness”.

If you repeat this to a person from childhood, the idea will take root - and have an impact on adulthood. Women have a harder time Just Saying "No": An Examination of Gender Differences in the Ability to Decline Requests in the Workplace. defend their interests, protest, express dissatisfaction, refuse overtime.

Loudly declaring that the actions of another person are unpleasant to you, and demanding that it stop, - this requires a certain courage. Moreover, instead of protection and approval, those around them can demonstrate mistrust and indifference to the victim. Not all women are capable of Why Women Have a Hard Time Saying No overstep this barrier and step out of the role of a good girl.

2. Don't trust their feelings

Harassment began to be treated as a problem relatively recently, and the criteria for this concept, let's be honest, are rather vague. The Oxford English Dictionary defines Sexual harassment as: "Unwanted physical contact, comments about sex and coming from a person who causes irritation and dislike."

In the UK, the Equality Act 2010 on Equal Rights and Non-Discrimination was passed in 2010 and it explains the concept of sexual harassment in a little more detail: it is “unwanted behavior of a sexual nature” that degrades a person’s dignity and “creates an intimidating, hostile, demoralizing and offensive environment..

There is no such concept at all in Russian dictionaries and legislative acts: society is just beginning to slowly admit that harassment is not the norm and something needs to be done about it. So far, the process is moving very slowly. In the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation there is only article 133 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation on compulsion to acts of a sexual nature, but this is still different. It is used when the victim is forced to have sex through blackmail and threats.

In 2018, after the incident with the deputy Slutsky, proposals were made in the State Duma Oksana Pushkina will write harassment into the law against the background of the scandal with Slutsky to introduce responsibility precisely for harassment, verbal or physical harassment, but the idea remained unrealized.

People are still not always able to draw the line between harassment and flirting.

Moreover, not only the aggressors, who believe that it is quite natural to pester someone, cannot, but also the victims. They do not seem to like what is happening, but they fear that they have “misunderstood” and “blown the elephant out of a fly”: what if it’s just politeness or friendliness, and you can offend a good person.

Student Daria Varakina wrote about this in her post: “Even before that, he sent ambiguous messages, but I ignored my bad feelings and dropped everything on a simple“fatherly”concern: they say, he cares about everyone, there is nothing“like that”in this. In the end, he has an impeccable reputation as the "grandfather" of the department / faculty, he helped me with educational literature … ".

It is still difficult for women to fully accept the idea that they need to defend their boundaries and suppress any words or actions that are unpleasant for themselves, even if the intentions of the opposite side seem to be the best. But this idea is increasingly being heard in the information space.

3. Are afraid

Surely everyone has heard that humans (and many other animals) have two types of reaction to a threat: fight or flight. Either you fight the attacker, or you get away with all your might.

But there are two more answers that are less known: Freeze Fight, Flight, Freeze: What This Response Means and please. In the first case, a person falls into a stupor and does nothing to save himself, hoping that if you ignore what is happening, it will somehow end by itself. In the second, he “cajoles” the aggressor: he smiles, apologizes, shows friendliness, tries to gently reason with him.

These types of defensive reactions come on the scene if a person is already traumatized or, for some reason, does not see another way for himself: too scared, not strong enough to resist, including psychologically.

Such passive reactions often appear precisely in response to sexual harassment or even violence. And this is the reason why the victims do not always resist the criminals, and they, in turn, believe that they did nothing wrong, because the other side was “not against”.

A small study in 2004 showed that it is common practice for women to respond with a smile to an obscene statement. But this is not a smile of joy or pleasure, it is a cardboard, false "grimace" behind which fear is hidden. But some men, especially those prone to harassment in principle, perceive such a reaction as a signal of approval.

4. Remain hostage to mentality and culture

In such situations, the historical and cultural context plays an essential role. What can be considered acceptable and what is not? What is harassment and what is harmless flirting? I don’t think that we generally have a clear idea of how communication between a man and a woman should be built so that we can show interest, and not violate the boundaries, not cross the line.

First, gender equality in relationships is a relatively new thing for our culture. For a long time it was believed that a man takes the initiative when meeting, and a woman - a "weak" creature - accepts courtship. Her interests were defended by her father or brother, she was "for her husband." Of course, this is already an atavism, but some unconscious belief that a man is more active remains. And the phrase "A man must conquer a woman" can also be understood in different ways. Including this: "There are no dissenting women, there are unstable men." In general, in the field of gender equality, we seem to have entered the highway, but we continue to move along it on an old horse-drawn cart. Not all, of course. But it is still more convenient for someone to live by old beliefs, perhaps with their help to assert themselves, to feel their strength and superiority in dealing with women.

Secondly, deliberate display of attention is always associated with violation of boundaries. For decades, the interests of the collective were put in the first place, and we still have the thought: "What will people think?" And the attitude "it should be done" prevails over "I want." We still have to learn and learn to draw a clear line between the interests, feelings and values of another person and our own.

Thirdly (and this is our story again), the “survivalist” mentality is developed in Russia. In the older generation, to a greater extent, but young people also managed to "catch" them through family legends. With this type of thinking, the main thing is to sit quietly, not stand out and in no case enter into confrontation with people who have at least some kind of power. A policeman, a boss, a teacher, an aunt who issues vouchers for social security. This approach has helped generations to survive in situations of repression and scarcity. Family beliefs in this case sound like this: "Do not get on the rampage", "Do not spoil the relationship", "Be patient, your life depends on it." With such attitudes, it is really scary to refuse a man who can indirectly affect your career or well-being.

How to learn to fight back

This is what psychologist Julia Hill recommends.

1. Strengthen your personal boundaries

To do this, first of all, you need to restore connection with your feelings and desires. Ask yourself even on trifles: "What do I want now: tea or coffee, to walk or read?" So you will gradually begin to better understand your more global desires, move from the prevailing "must" to the realization of your own life goals.

2. Develop relationships with parents

Fear of someone stronger is, among other things, the problem of separation, separation from parents. We subconsciously project the parental figure onto another person. In the case of a student - to the teacher. The desire to be a good girl, the fear of upsetting, the fear of punishment is a common childish scenario of behavior in order to “earn love”. In such situations, unconscious guilt and shame are very often present.

3. Do not be afraid to call a spade a spade

If you are in doubt about what is happening - harassment or flirting, ask politely: "Do I understand correctly that you are showing a male interest in me?" Such a question will surely discourage the enemy. If he says yes, you can answer: I am not interested in a relationship. If "no", you can explain: "Such gestures give me discomfort."

In general, the ability to say “no” and to defend personal boundaries in an environmentally friendly manner is a sign of the behavior of an adult who is responsible for his life and is ready for any consequences of his decisions, albeit not always pleasant.

4. Search for resources

In our reality, because of refusal, you can really be left without work, career and other benefits. Women are not protected by law from harassment, so a “retired” suitor can disguise revenge as a work necessity, coincidence of circumstances, and the like.

If we are talking about a large city, then in the most extreme case, you can find another job, change the university. But in small settlements, if the aggressor has status and authority, the woman is trapped. Therefore, “to seek resources” in this case is primarily a life recommendation, not a psychological one. You need to think over who, how and when will be able to provide real help if you are powerless before the actions of the aggressor alone.

The problem of harassment and reaction to it is complex, and both parties are responsible for it, albeit not equally. Perhaps there will be more mutual respect and sensitivity between people if women have the courage to respond with a firm and decisive "no" to any unpleasant action. And men will understand that it is not worth touching someone or making proposals of a sexual nature without explicit consent and approval.