Is it possible to keep a relationship at a distance and how to do it

What is the complexity of such a relationship

In fact, there can be many problems. Here are the main ones.

Partners lack attention

Caring for and supporting someone in a difficult situation is easier when they are around. You see each other every day, dine at the same table and discuss how your day went. You have a common life, you are physically together and you can hug or kiss your loved one. Distance, however, deprives of these joys and creates a kind of abyss.

Ilya Shabshin is a consultant psychologist, author of books on popular psychological topics, leading specialist of the Psychological Center on Volkhonka.

The main problem is mutual distance, the feeling that everyone lives on their own.

This becomes a common cause of resentment, quarrels and jealousy on the part of one or both of the participants in the relationship.

Sexual needs remain unmet

Everyone has a different sex constitution. But in a couple, one way or another, stability appears: often or rarely, but there is sex. When it disappears abruptly, problems can begin. The need remained, the ability to satisfy it disappeared. Because of this, quarrels and outbursts of jealousy can arise, which, again, will cause new scandals.

The pressure of external circumstances interferes

Friends or girlfriends plan joint leisure activities with their beloved, spend holidays together, go to the movies and share all the romantic news with you. It’s not surprising to get depressed.

Unsurprisingly, statistically, almost half of all long distance relationships end in breakups. But do not get upset ahead of time - many still have a chance of success.

How to keep a relationship at a distance

Take care of each other

It is very important to be careful with your partner. Any sharp word or dismissive tone can hurt, but you won't be able to come up, apologize and hug your loved one right away. You should also not provoke a companion into jealousy and cause unnecessary speculation about what is not in reality.

Olga Poluektova is a psychologist, gestalt therapist, instructor and owner of a yoga studio.

Different cities, countries, time zones contribute to the fact that resentment erodes the foundation of a relationship, and mistrust grows.

The further you are from each other, the more difficult it is to resolve conflict situations. That is why it is better to avoid them.

Maintain closeness

You need to compensate for live communication: call up, correspond. It is necessary to share news, experiences and emotions with your partner as often as possible.

The main challenge is to maintain a sense of closeness, community and trust.

Ilya Shabshin.

This does not mean that you are obliged to provide a minute-by-minute report on your actions on a daily basis, but it is not worth getting off with dry “everything is fine”. The person on the other end of the line should feel like an important part of your life.

Respect your partner's feelings

One may experience separation more easily than the other. And at some point, it can become unbearably difficult for some of you to live in a long-distance relationship. It is important to immediately understand and accept this. If you, unlike your partner, have not yet had time to get bored, you don’t need to say: “Come on, only a week has passed.” Don't discount other people's feelings - show understanding instead.

The phrases “I told you that it will be so” or “I cannot return earlier, enough to raise this issue” will only make it worse. You need to look for solutions and as often as possible show that you are not indifferent to the feelings of another and you just as much want to see your loved one as soon as possible.

Add lively emotions to communication

The tone of the message can be misinterpreted, and the smiley face with a heart hardly conveys how much you love the person. Therefore, to avoid misunderstandings and add life to communication, combine correspondence, calls and video conversations.

Lively emotions of a partner, eye contact exclude discrepancies.

Olga Poluektova.

This is especially true for resolving conflicts and discussing difficulties - do not do this in the messenger, use video communication.

Schedule "meetings"

It will be easier for you to adapt to separation when the exact time of the next "meeting" - a video call - is known in advance. Choose a convenient time of the day, when neither you nor your partner are busy, so that you can have a leisurely conversation without being distracted by anything. On weekdays, for example, set aside an hour after work, on weekends - at any suitable time that is convenient for each of you. Difficulties can arise if there is a significant difference in time zones, but even so, everything is doable.

Spend the holidays together

These days, the longing of loneliness can be stronger than ever. If you get a chance to meet, use it on the holidays.

Try to spend "dangerous" periods together. These are various family holidays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day and so on.

Olga Poluektova.

Even if they are sure that they are resistant to such things, mass pressure, images of happy families are everywhere and the stories of friends about joint plans can play a cruel joke, the psychologist believes.

Come up with your rituals

These can be words you put in a hidden meaning that only the two of you can understand, paper letters or postcards sent from every new location, or even phone sex. You can, for example, agree to share photos right after waking up or before bed so you don't forget how nice it is to wake up and fall asleep together. Or send in quotes from novels and favorite books that describe your feelings and emotions. Dream together and find the one that suits your couple.

Do not shift responsibility to someone else

It so happened: you have to live separately. And there is no need to blame anyone, because you both agreed to it. Therefore, the reproachful "We live this way because of you" should not be allowed.

Such a swing is exhausting and deprived of energy for a couple. And it is not easy to maintain a fire at a distance.

Olga Poluektova.

So be prepared for difficulties and accept responsibility for your joint decision.

Trust

This is important for any relationship. Demanding proof of allegiance, checking social media, and tracking likes from strangers signal a lack of trust. You need to learn to cope with the surging emotions and understand that speculation may have nothing to do with reality. And also to realize that your today's experiences (if you don't dwell on them) will pass tomorrow.

Discuss the issue of sex

Some couples come to an agreement and allow short connections on the side. Others discuss in advance that they do not want to know anything about infidelity if they do not affect the quality of the relationship in any way. For others, cheating is taboo. And it's important to discuss the topic of sex, to come to a common denominator, before you agree to a distance relationship.

However, you cannot control your partner (read the previous paragraph), so you have to rely on the fact that each of you equally values the union.

It is sensible to assess the situation

You learned that your partner went to the movies or dined at a restaurant with another or the other. It hurt you, you are jealous and worried. This happens, and your task is to find out the reason and openly discuss the situation.

Sometimes dinner is an attempt to gain attention, social “stroking”, to feel significant and attractive, to escape from loneliness for a while.

Olga Poluektova.

Perhaps your relationship is not in danger. Or vice versa - the partner has fallen in love, and he is tormented by doubts. You better deal with this right away and evaluate whether this union can be saved, or vain attempts will only aggravate the relationship, and it's time to end it.

Which relationships are unlikely to stand the test of separation

Relationships without trust

Partners strive for complete control over each other, are jealous and cut off the communication of their half with the opposite sex or even with friends. Relationships at a distance in this case can turn into a daily interrogation. And instead of the joy and pleasure of the calls, the partner will have only one desire - not to pick up the phone at all.

Immature relationships built on codependency

For those who seek to occupy all the space in a partner's life, a long-distance relationship is not suitable. You do not spend a single day separately, your hobbies and friends are common, visiting parties are not allowed together - it cannot be otherwise! And even if someone doesn't like something, they still have to do it. The thought of taking a break or going out with friends without you is terrifying.

What is maturity? Respect for the "separateness" of the other: everyone has their own space, personal time, hobbies, social circle.

Olga Poluektova.

In a mature relationship, partners can easily spend time together or separately. And this does not in any way prevent them from being happy, but only strengthens the union. If there is no maturity, quarrels will begin already from the moment of discussing the very possibility of a relationship at a distance, because for one it is unacceptable in principle. "How can you leave, but without me!" - it is not a fact that even arguments in favor of a higher salary will be able to interrupt this phrase.

Short relationship

If the relationship between the partners is still not strong enough, there are no clear plans for a joint future, and the separation is planned for a long time, most likely, it will not be possible to maintain such a relationship. You do not know each other so well, you have not gone hand in hand through crisis moments and are still in the candy-bouquet period. And love at a distance is an ordeal even for couples who have been living together for years.

Any relationship is work. And distance adds a lot of new challenges. But if you really value the union, even temporary separation cannot destroy it.