How to behave with a child during a crisis 3 years old

The age of 3 years is considered to be one of the most difficult in the life of parents and children. During this period, the child develops a sense of himself as a separate independent personality. The kid begins to actively check where the area of his capabilities ends, what he can influence. Faced with the limitations of his desires, he becomes enraged. And it is no longer possible to simply divert his attention to something interesting, as at a younger age: the child feels real anger because everything is not going the way he wanted.

During a 3-year-old crisis, children undergo major changes:

Volitional qualities are formed - the ability to achieve one's own, to insist on one's decision. The child learns to express himself in emotions and actions, to make choices, relying on his feelings and desires.
Children explore their strengths and capabilities in opposition to adults. Develops an understanding of "what is good and what is bad", studies the boundaries: when adults are adamant in their decisions, and when they can insist on their own.

How the crisis manifests itself 3 years

Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky identified seven signs of a crisis.

Negativism … The child has a negative attitude to the request of an adult, even if it is about what he himself wants.
Stubbornness … He insists on his own, and it is very important for him to achieve this at all costs.
Obstinacy … Disobedience in small things as well as in serious matters.
Protest … The child begins to actively rebel against what he previously performed calmly and resignedly.
Willfulness … The desire to do everything on their own, even if the children's opportunities for this are not enough yet.
Depreciation … A child can destroy and break everything that was dear to him (even his favorite toys), beat and call his parents names.
Despotism … He wants everything to happen exactly as he said.

In real life, all this manifests itself something like this: the baby, who only yesterday obediently dressed, ate almost everything that was given, calmly fell asleep after the usual rituals, begins to argue about any reason. "The hat is not like that, feed me from a spoon, I will not sleep in my bed!" - and no arguments of reason work.

If adults insist on their own, "heavy artillery" is used. The child begins, at best, to scream and cry, and at worst - to fight, bite and throw everything that comes to hand.

I must say that often in this way children really get their way. Some adults, unable to withstand the pressure or not understanding how to behave, give up their positions in the hope that the child will subside. And indeed, calm is restored, but exactly until the next episode of divergence of opinion.

And now the whole family is divided into two camps. Someone thinks that “it’s necessary to flog such people” because “they completely sat on their necks”, someone insists on humanism so as not to crush the person. And the “personality” continues to test everyone for endurance and at the same time walks sad and nervous, because he guesses that he is behaving somehow wrong, but he cannot do anything with himself.

How to help your child get through the crisis easier

Teach you to express anger correctly

First of all, you need to understand that the anger that grips children is not the machinations of dark forces, but an absolutely normal feeling. She (as well as sadness, joy, fear, surprise) we got from animals. When faced with refusal or resistance to their desires, the child experiences the same irritation and rage as the tiger, from which the rival is trying to take away meat or drive it out of the territory.

Adults, unlike children, are able to recognize anger and contain it or show it in an adequate way. When our boss raises his voice to us, we are also irritated, but either we restrain ourselves and at home in paints describe to our loved ones what a “bad person” he is, or we respond constructively in the very process of the dialogue. Children do not yet have these mechanisms - they are just developed at this age stage with the help of adults.

The algorithm is as follows:

1. Wait for the child to calm down. It is useless to say anything while he is overwhelmed by emotions: he does not hear you.

2. After the child has calmed down, name the feeling he is experiencing: "I see you are very angry (angry, upset)."

3. Carry out a causal relationship: "When mom does not give what she wants, it is very angry." It is obvious to us that the child got angry because he was not given the candy he wanted to eat instead of the soup. For him, it often looks as if some kind of force seized him for no reason, and he became "bad." Especially if instead of explaining the reason for his anger, we say something like: "Ugh, what a bad child." When adults build a causal relationship, it is easier for children to gradually understand themselves.

4. Suggest acceptable ways of expressing anger: "Next time you won't throw a spoon at your mom, but say:" I'm angry with you! " You can still bang your fist on the table. " Variants of manifestation of rage in each family are different: for some it is acceptable to stamp their feet, for others it is acceptable to go to their room and throw toys there. You can also have a special “chair of anger”. Everyone can sit on it and calm down, and then return to communication.

It is very important to emphasize that this is not a punishment. If you put paper and pencils in this place, then the child will be able to express his state in the drawing. Adults themselves can, in the heat of the battle for the next rule of the daily routine, violated by children, sit on a chair and set an example, drawing their irritation and saying: "How angry I am when you do not go to bed on time!"

Define boundaries

Children who are constantly indulged begin to feel that they are in control of the world, and because of this they become very anxious. They have to be tense all the time to hold on to power. You can't paint or play here. In society, these domestic tyrants are not very successful, as they are used to the fact that everything revolves around them. They find it difficult to establish contact with peers and require constant attention from the teacher.

The other extreme is the harsh suppression of any negative manifestations. The point of view of the parents in this case is simple: the child should always be “good” and obey on demand. The result of this approach is manifested in two ways. In the first case, the child is silk at home, but in kindergarten he is uncontrollable and aggressive. In the second, he tries very hard to meet high requirements, occasionally failing. In breakdowns, he blames himself and very often suffers from night fears, enuresis, abdominal pain.

The truth is somewhere in between. If an adult understands that this is a natural stage in the development of a child, then he can maintain relative calm and at the same time insist on his own. Hard boundaries are obtained, set in a soft way.

I will refer to the algorithm given in the book "Children from Heaven" by John Gray:

1. Tell clearly what you want from your child: "I want you to collect toys and go to wash." Very often we formulate our messages indistinctly: "Maybe it's time to sleep?", "Look, it's already dark." Thus, we shift the responsibility for the decision onto the child, and the result is predictable. Sometimes even a simple clear articulation of our requirements is enough. If not, move on to the next item.

2. Speak out the child's supposed feelings and make a causal relationship: “You seem to like the game very much and you get upset when you have to finish it.”When we do this, the child feels that we understand him, and sometimes this is enough to change his behavior.

3. Use bargaining: "If you go to the bathroom now, you can play the pirate ship there / I'll read you a little longer." What the child loves is promised, but not buying toys or sweets. We often do the opposite and threaten: if you don't do as I said, you will lose. But building a positive future helps children to escape from the process in which they are immersed, to remember that there are other pleasant things.

If that was the only thing, then the child happily spanks into the bathroom. But if all this was started by him in order to find out who is the boss in the house, then one cannot do without the following stages.

4. Increase intonation: pronounce your demand in a more formidable tone. Very often we start with this, and then everything turns into just suppression. But the first three points are very important, otherwise the child will never feel that he is understood. At the same stage, you can apply one of the most successful techniques called "I count to three."

5. If, even after increasing intonation, the child continues to row, then take a break. It is very important to understand that this is not a punishment, but a pause in order to calm down and continue to communicate adequately. At the same time, this is a designation of boundaries: a child has the right to his opinion, to emotions, but the final decision is for the adult. Everything is explained in this way: “I see, we cannot agree, so a break is announced for 3 minutes. Both you and I need to calm down. How old is the child, for so many minutes it is optimal to arrange a time-out.

At home, children are taken to a safe space (a room where there are no breakable objects). The door closes (another designation of the border), the adult remains outside and calmly indicates how much time is left. You need to be mentally prepared that anything can happen on the other side. At this moment, there is no need to enter into a dialogue with the child, otherwise everything will only drag on. But thanks to the fact that you are outside the door and calmly note how many minutes are left, he understands that he was not abandoned or punished. When the break time ends, you open the door and start from the first point.

The more stable and understandable the child is the rules by which he lives, the more scope he has for creativity and development. Gradually, thanks to our efforts, the child will begin to better understand himself: what makes him angry, what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what is offended. He also masters the ways of adequately expressing his experiences. By the age of 4, it can be not only bodily expression, but also drawing, and dubbing, and role-playing. And if communication about controversial issues proceeds in the mode of negotiations and acceptance of the child's opinion, then he will for life form the ability to defend his rights, achieve his goals and at the same time respectfully treat the rights and opinions of others.