How I knew it was time to get divorced: personal experience

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

The story of a girl who dissolved her marriage and never regretted her decision.

Empty marriage and sick relationships go nowhere. And it's not even about when there are constant conflicts in the family. I'm talking about a marriage in which everything seems to be fine, but for some reason there is no love and happiness.

Looking back, I came up with six signs that indicate that it is time to get divorced.

My history

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, an unplanned pregnancy, a registry office. A common story. We were connected only with dances, and after the birth of a child, we had to forget about them altogether. But I believed that our love boat should keep afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost did not quarrel, did not live in poverty, the way of life stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.

I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I want to be with someone, then only with him. But if it doesn't work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we chatted a lot: where did you study, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the stage of acquaintance, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics have exhausted themselves. It became clear to both of them that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie "What Men Talk About", when Camille reads an SMS from his wife: "Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes we talked about views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all spheres of life. As a result, the dialogue did not work out - it was more like consultations. My husband was an intelligent and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

Output

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

You communicate most of the time. And this should be enjoyable for both.

If your partner looks in your mouth, and you are engaged in upbringing in life, over time you may get bored with it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one constantly pulls the other along with him, or when people go their separate ways, the vital chatter gradually disappears.

We tried to stay out of the house longer

We spent most of the time apart, but somehow we didn't strive to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the child to bed. We could hardly meet until the weekend.

Saturday and Sunday were also spent in their own way. I walked with my son, tried to meet with my friends. The husband spent time at the laptop: study, work, films, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. It was more comfortable for me myself.

My husband has a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored five evenings a week of separate leisure.

The next distance was holidays. Everyone rested on their own and considered it the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper this way. That's right, but we wanted to travel without each other.

Output

When the atmosphere in your home is depressing, you subconsciously look for the opportunity to be there as little as possible.

Go to work early, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse tacitly supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still asleep, come and everyone is already asleep.

The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is, both of you are fine with it.

Sex became less and less frequent

During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites have been moderated to zero. This is largely due to how my life has changed, there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I was not attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.

He was a good lover and knew perfectly well where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always made me know that I was desired.

But I still felt that I did not feel emotional closeness, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and an early rise. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a conjugal duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to finish it as soon as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.

Output

In a healthy relationship, both are satisfied with the quantity and quality of sex. There are couples who have enough intimacy once a month, and for someone six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words "I want to sleep, let's not today", something is wrong.

We have ceased to interest each other

With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband's life, she no longer interested me.

One day my husband fell ill and went to the hospital, it was necessary to have an operation. I only visited him twice during my 14 days in hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. I came for the second time after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, he was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What can I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can't."

It's a shame. And I was offended when I arrived from the exam from the traffic police with a driver's license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you take the child from the kindergarten tomorrow?"

Output

Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot blame.

Feelings are either there or not. And they cannot be faked.

Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, there are only functions left: to earn money, look after children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.

We fought with anger

My ex-husband and I have non-conflict characters, so the dishes in our house have never been broken. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse of something.

Sometimes skirmishes ended with the fact that I started talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to collect things. I burst into tears and ran to the kitchen. I sob, and in my head thoughts are spinning: “How am I now? So, wake up at 7:15 am, take the child to the kindergarten."

We parted on the wrong day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to come to, clearly signaled that it was time to disperse.

Output

An unhealthy relationship lacks caring, accepting each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.

In a healthy relationship, there are fights too. All people are different and have different views of the world, so disagreement is normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple, there is always a goal to make peace.

What do I want to get out of the fight? Sleep separately? Not talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this particular person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger, you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.

I began to dream of what my life would be like without my spouse. And I liked it

If you are intimidated by a breakup, imagine that what you are afraid of has already happened. What are you going to do about it?

This is necessary for the brain to develop a plan of action and calm down. You will not only stop worrying, but you will also understand how to spread straws in case of misfortune.

I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will have a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And the brain drew the following plan in 10 minutes:

• Rent out the existing apartment.
• Rent a house within walking distance of the kindergarten.
• Transfer all the child's activities to kindergarten, so as not to travel around the city.
• Transfer work to a remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on the road.

I have formed an understanding of my actions in the event of a divorce. Now we need to think about how to relate to this. What emotions does the plan of action evoke? Do you want to live this life?

If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is "yes" - congratulations, soon you will get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.

I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, not being distracted by my husband and not worrying that they have little contact. At that moment, our family broke up.

Output

Try to imagine life after a divorce. If you cannot, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don’t like it, you don’t need a divorce. If you are presented and you are satisfied with everything, get a divorce.

Can a problematic relationship be saved?

You can save a relationship if both want it. But they dream not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving a family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.

It so happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temper, some have self-esteem problems. If the two of you feel bad, but without each other it is even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.

Read books on relationship psychology

Passion Paradox by Dean Delice and Cassandra Phillips

The book is about imbalance in relationships, when one loves, and the other is not very much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why it happens, who are the strong and weak partners, how to properly resolve conflicts.

The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their half and believe that the relationship is based only on them. You will understand why your partner is drawn to you less and less and you will learn how to become stronger, regain harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion have gone. You will gain a better understanding of your companion's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you around him.

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love in the time they spend together, and some feel love through physical care and assistance. Some small but frequent gifts are ecstatic. In total, the author identifies five types: joint time, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner the way they like best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs a good relationship not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

Games People Play by Eric Byrne

The meaning of the book is as follows: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that everyone knows and is accepted in society. For example, I came from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more difficult and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously searches for his script and plays it out. They are inherent in us since childhood and are good (to become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering about yourself, burned out at work and die at 35).

My scenario - if you get pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child's father, you can't get a divorce - you need to bring up a partner. I did not see other options for the development of events and went ahead to this marriage, as if carrying out a program. Only five years later, I ask myself: do I really want to? Do I need it?

More about addictive relationships can be found in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky "Family therapy is a divorce."

See a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it is better not together, but separately.

Psychologists do not tell you how to live, and do not give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively deal with anxiety, fear and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be hurt by the unpleasant behavior of your spouse, you will learn to be happy and stable.

After that, you will have two options:

• your harmony will have a positive effect on your partner, the relationship will improve;
• you will understand that you no longer need this relationship, and will soon disperse.

When the only way out is to get a divorce

My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body acquires immunity forever. Was this marriage unsuccessful? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.

We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, then we become better. I needed a person with whom I would be a superwoman, to be proud of the severity of my life.

Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.

Divorce is not a sentence, but a correction of mistakes

We were not and could not be happy together. No one is to blame for this. My ex-husband is a wonderful man, decent, intelligent, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and sincerely wish him happiness. I didn't want to hurt him at all, although I understood that the divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn't shine next to him and eventually stopped trying.

For me, there was only one option - to disperse. Of course, it's a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect the child.

I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regret about the past, because it will not make anyone happy.

If you are walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realized that all this time you were going in the wrong direction, you have two options: turn back or consciously continue walking in the wrong direction.

Divorce is not a disaster, people don't die from it. Divorce is about correcting mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily live on.