Domestic violence in self-isolation: why it occurs and how to be saved

“In connection with the quarantine, my husband has an aggravation of aggression. He hit me the other day, just to test my reaction. Today I pushed several times. I'm afraid what will happen next. He is now at home all the time, and if this continues, then I am afraid for my safety and my children. And nothing is ready for me to leave. This message was sent to me on March 21 by one of the clients of our project. Alas, it hasn't become unique.

Every day we receive new messages from people facing the problem of violence. During the period of self-isolation, that is, from about the middle of March 2020, such requests increased by about 20%. In most cases, we are talking about violence by the husband or partner in relation to the wife or partner, but there are other scenarios. For example, one girl was beaten by her uncle, another victim was raped by her nephew.

Not only our project has faced a sharp increase in the number of appeals on the problem of domestic violence. For example, the centers "Anna" and "Kitezh" also say. In Russia, in March, the number of complaints of women about domestic violence and conflicts about an increase in the number of complaints by 15-25% rose sharply. In China and Brazil, lockdowns around the world bring rise in domestic violence have reported a 50 percent increase in hotline calls. Coronavirus: Calls up by 30 per cent to domestic violence helpline in Cyprus is 30% more likely to seek help. In the UK, the police released Coronavirus (COVID-19): support for victims of domestic abuse, a special instruction for victims of domestic violence during a pandemic, and you can ask for help here without saying a word - through a special application. The aggravation of the problem of domestic violence during the period of restrictive measures is a universal and international problem.

Why is this happening

Increased aggression is a natural mental response to an alarming situation. Most of us are deprived of the usual way of life, the level of stress is growing, someone loses their jobs, we all face fresh challenges and the need to solve new problems. People seek to fill the social vacuum that has arisen by resorting to alcohol - and often in the scenario of domestic violence it is he who is present as a catalyst for aggression. For example, one of the women who turned to the center for help reported that with the introduction of restrictive measures, her adult son, who already drinks often, began to resort to alcohol more often and began to behave more aggressively.

There are two more reasons for the increase in aggression in close relationships, specific to the conditions of self-isolation.

Tatiana Loshchinina Psychologist of the Knowledge Will Stop Gender Violence Project.

First, most of us are uncomfortable with only one or two social roles for a long time - wife, mother, child, or husband. There comes an "overdose" of emotions that are inherent in these roles. Even 24/7 emotion can get tired, let alone a relationship in which we are fixed on negative feelings. For example, the relationship between the aggressor and the injured party can be tinged with strong feelings of guilt.

Second, self-isolation has taken away our ability to solve relationship problems through avoidance. It is more difficult for us to distance ourselves, be alone with ourselves, let off steam, or distract ourselves from actual experiences in familiar ways, for example, by changing the environment.

What to do if the situation is threatened with violence

In order to take timely measures to ensure your own safety, it is important to recognize a situation of violence before it becomes overtly dangerous.

There are a number of so-called red flags - alarms that can warn that a relationship is violent. Be careful if your partner:

tries to speed up the development of relationships without mutual desire (for example, insists on sexual intimacy against your will);
shows jealousy, wants to control your life, seeks to limit your external contacts;
systematically shifts responsibility for what is happening (for example, in situations of conflict he never admits that he is right, tends to blame everyone around);
often humiliates, emphasizes his own superiority, including in the presence of other people;
under the influence of emotions, he behaves destructively (throws and breaks things, takes out aggression on animals, other people);
denies feelings and facts that are important to you, makes you doubt your own adequacy (this behavior is called gaslighting);
engages in sexual activity without mutual desire (from viewing pornography to any form of forced sex);
resorts to minor forms of physical violence (grabs hands or hair, strangles, covers his mouth with his hand, can push or slap).

Valentine

My husband is a home tyrant. He constantly humiliates his son and me, threatens us with physical violence. There is no longer any strength to endure these insults and humiliations, to be afraid of him.

If you find the situation threatening, or if you have experienced physical violence and are afraid of repetition, the following simple but very important steps should be taken.

Firstly, you need to prepare in advance the so-called emergency bag with the things necessary in order to quickly leave the house in an emergency: first of all, documents, spare keys, medicines, a certain amount of money, personal essentials.

Secondly, it is important to always have a charged phone with you. If the aggressor restricts your ability to communicate, then try to get a second mobile phone, even the simplest one: put it on silent mode and hide it in a place that only you know. It is good if the phone will be stored in a room that is locked from the inside: for example, in a bathroom or toilet room. So in case of danger, you can hide from the aggressor and call the police.

You should also negotiate with loved ones about words that will mean that you are in danger. It can be a neutral text: if a loved one hears it on the phone, sees it in a message or on your social network page, then he will understand that you need help. If possible, talk to your neighbors that when they hear screams behind the wall, they should call the police.

If you understand that an act of violence can occur, go to bed dressed if possible and put your children to bed in their clothes.

What to do if violence is already happening

Unfortunately, self-isolation is dangerous because you can be trapped in the same territory with the aggressor. Therefore, we will also talk about the steps that should be taken if violence is already being committed.

Tatiana Push Social consultant of the project “Knowledge will stop gender violence”.

If you are fleeing an act of violence, do not run to the kitchen - this is too dangerous a place in an already dangerous situation. There are too many stabbing, cutting, and other items that can be used against you.
If you understand that the situation threatens your life, try to take any action that will distract the attention of the aggressor and give you the opportunity to escape from the trap: break a vase, drop a heavy object, start singing. Do whatever it takes if it helps you win a few seconds.
If you broke into the entrance, then shout "Fire!" This will grab the attention of your neighbors and give you a chance to break free.
Remember that in the event of domestic violence, you can leave the house even in self-isolation - this situation is a threat to life and health. You have the right to seek medical attention, walk to the police station and write a statement.

If you have suffered from violence, be sure to contact a medical facility and the police.

When calling the police, call the incident directly, do not use euphemisms or mild language: not “raised his hand” or “used physical violence”, but “beat”, “hit”, “threatened to kill” and so on. The wording may determine how the police will react to your appeal: it is important that it is accurate and describes the act that falls under this or that article.

While you are waiting for the police and / or an ambulance, call friends, relatives and ask for help: accompany you to the station or hospital, look after the children, give you the opportunity to temporarily live in another place.

When the ambulance or the police arrive, try to keep your composure - this is very important, because the outcome of the situation largely depends on the sequence of your actions.

If you are physically injured, you will need to go to the hospital for an examination. If, based on its results, you are recommended to undergo outpatient treatment (without hospitalization), you also need to undergo it: depending on this, the crime of the aggressor may be classified in different ways in the future. Be sure to keep all medical reports, appointments, prescriptions, receipts and similar documents. Write an application for the issuance of certified copies of documents that remain in the hospital (primarily a medical card) - they will also be useful in the police and court as evidence.

In a hospital or emergency room, be sure to tell under what circumstances you were injured, by whom the beatings were inflicted, when and where.

It is necessary to show all bodily injuries, report all painful sensations and complaints, even if the beatings, in your opinion, left no traces.

If possible, describe your psychological state - it will also be recorded in the medical record. Make sure that the doctor correctly and thoroughly describes all injuries and records all the facts. Get a certificate stating that you applied to a medical facility: it must contain the date of the visit, medical record number, doctor's name, stamp.

If possible, take pictures of the beatings in the presence of one or two witnesses. Write down what technical device was used to shoot, the date, time and location of the shooting, as well as the names and addresses of the witnesses.

Olga

They called the police immediately, home, where everything happened. We arrived quickly. I want to say right away that there is some depreciation on the part of police officers: since everyday scandals often end in reconciliation, they do not really want to start a case. You need to immediately decide for yourself to bring everything to the end and stick to this position. And it's very important to let the police know that you are serious. The statement was accepted on the spot and very quickly set in motion. The ex-husband washed away before the arrival of the outfit, of course, but this is not so important for submitting an application. You need to call the police immediately, so as not to lose confidence and so that the police see the injuries.

I immediately went to the emergency room, recorded my injuries. In the hospital, you need to confirm the fact of violence, then the doctors will forward the information to the police. To speak directly the name of where he lives. She then gave a copy of the certificate from the hospital to the police, and added it to the case. The district police officer filled out several survey protocols, and after a month and a half I was summoned to court for a trial.

Unfortunately, the question of whether it is worth contacting the police and why it is necessary for many remains unclear. Let's analyze it in more detail.

Why and how to contact the police

Why contact the police

Contacting the police is a mandatory response. Why? First, any violence must lead to accountability. The illusion of impunity (“I don’t care for it”) is a very dangerous thing that unties our hands and only leads to an aggravation of the situation.

Secondly, the attention of the police will distract the aggressor from pursuing the victim, shift the focus of his attention to possible responsibility.

And finally, safety starts tomorrow today: domestic violence often develops on the rise, so recording beatings or any other violent actions is a certain insurance for the future. Any specialist working with the problem of violence will give more than one example when violence that lasted for years, but unconfirmed, not only went unpunished, but also led to the fact that the aggressor won the courts on issues of common property, child custody, self-defense, and so on. …

Timely contacting the police is a necessary step to prevent this from happening.

Unfortunately, the reality is that many people find reporting to the police pointless and useless. For example, the absence of criminal punishment for the first episode of beatings often raises the question: why also pay a fine from the family budget? But it is not the financial burden that is of fundamental importance, but the fact that beatings are recorded, the creation of a precedent on the basis of which the aggressor will be punished next time with the severity of the criminal code.

How to apply

As mentioned above, if you have experienced beatings, first of all, be sure to go to the hospital to record this fact (even if the physical consequences, in your opinion, are insignificant). From the hospital, information will certainly be sent to the police, and they will not be able to ignore the official report of the violence. In addition, medical documents will become your proof in court.

You can apply to the police online, it will definitely be considered. For this you need:

go to the official website of the Ministry of Internal Affairs at the place of residence (enter in a search engine, for example, "Ministry of Internal Affairs Voronezh");
go to the section "For citizens" or similar;
open the "Receive requests" and use the "Submit request" function.

Attach all available evidence, such as medical records or testimony, to the electronic application.

If you decide to go to the police station, if possible, ask someone close to accompany you. And make sure that the appeal is registered in the book of registration of reports of crimes (CUSP), you should be issued a receipt for the acceptance of the application.

What to do if the application is not accepted

If, for some reason, the department does not accept the application or does not issue an admission receipt, politely ask the officer on duty to present his ID. Be sure to record the full name and title of the employee, the time of your contact. Next, let us know that you intend to appeal his actions.

After that, directly from the department, call 112, the hotline of the prosecutor's office or the investigative committee and report the violation. You can also apply to the prosecutor's office at the location of the police department, which refused to accept the application. It is best when there are witnesses of the refusal (therefore, it is worth taking someone close to you) or the refusal is recorded on a camera or dictaphone (you can politely ask the police officer to repeat the refusal by turning on the recording).

The prosecutor's office will check and after the fact of refusal to accept the application is established, it will take appropriate measures. The employee guilty of this action will be prosecuted by Order of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia dated 01.03.2012 N 140 On approval of the Administrative Regulations of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Russian Federation for the provision of public services for the reception, registration and permission in the territorial bodies of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Russian Federation of applications, messages and other information about crimes, about administrative offenses, about incidents”to disciplinary responsibility. Also, in the prosecutor's office, you can submit the application itself, which you were denied at the police station.

How to deal with your own aggression

“My ex-wife told me about it. I read the article about abuse and recognized myself. Now I am dating a girl, and we decided to live together. Suddenly I will use violence against her too. We are also contacted with such requests, and this is absolutely normal. If you are experiencing aggression, but would not like it to harm others, there are some simple guidelines. Let's consider them on the example of a situation when you were waiting for a loved one who was late without warning, and began to get nervous.

Anastasia Polyaeva Psychologist of the Knowledge Will Stop Gender Violence Project.

Try breathing more slowly first. Take a deep breath and try to exhale longer than inhale. Feel your body.
It is important to realize what emotions you are experiencing (anger, anger, fear, powerlessness, anxiety, irritation or others), and say about this: "I am very anxious and angry when you are more than 15 minutes late without warning me about it." …
Become aware of what you feel at the level of the body (for example, jaw is tense, fists clench, blood rushes to the face, heart beats fast, breathing is intermittent), and mentally tell yourself this: "I feel tension in my arms and shoulders."
Realize what is the cause of aggression, what it signals. And voice it: “I have to wait and waste time, and it is dear to me. This is a violation of my personal boundaries."
Then it is important to determine what you would like to do now (yelling, slam the door, bang your fist on the table) and what you are actually doing: “I want to leave without waiting for you, or say rude things, but our relationship is dear to me. I understand that you can not guess how painful your lateness is for me, so I share my experiences with you."
Finally, it is important to formulate your expectation or wish, for example: "I ask you to try not to be late without warning." Even if you say all this only to yourself, it will become easier for you, because you will control your aggression, and not she you.

This self-help in dealing with your own aggression can help if you are willing to accept responsibility and have a desire to prevent violent behavior.

The general recommendation, which is relevant both during the period of self-isolation, and at any other time, in any situation - do not be silent, ask for help. Our project, like other projects and organizations, continues to provide free assistance to those who need it. Free psychological or legal advice can be obtained online, even in the format of correspondence. Take care of yourself!