Table of contents:
- “I liked to imagine myself as a serious girl in a suit and with a suitcase in my hands”
- The USE tests have become as much fun for me as crosswords
- I plowed to get five grades, to throw a note-book to my dad and get his approval
- It was like I opened the door and saw something that I shouldn't have
- “I cried a lot, slept badly and felt some apathy”
- Father was so angry that you could see lightning in the sky
- I encouraged myself that I have an atypical path in life
- When I found out the results of the exams, I cried for two days without interruption
- It turned out that I am better than I thought
- When people hint that I made a mistake, I am triggered
2023 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 06:26
The story of a girl who dropped out on a budget and overcame the judgments of others to find her new path.
This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Sometimes you clearly feel that you need to change direction and take a decisive step towards a new one: choose another job, part with a toxic person, move abroad. But a lack of determination, a lack of support, or a banal fear of the unknown can simply paralyze and hold in place.
We talked to the heroine, who did not shy away and decided to radically change everything: to leave the university after two years of study in order to enter another specialty. We learned how Lika Zadorozhnaya again chose the direction, what she said to her skeptical father and why she believed in herself, although almost no one approved of her choice.
“I liked to imagine myself as a serious girl in a suit and with a suitcase in my hands”
With the choice of profession I was constantly sausage: in elementary school I wanted to be a cook and fashion designer, after watching the series "Secrets of the Investigation" - a detective, and then a dentist in general. Already in high school, I became interested in psychiatry and the sciences related to the work of the brain. However, all this also faded into the background when it came time to choose a profile to prepare for exams. I had difficulties with mathematics and chemistry, so I went to the socio-economic direction, where there is a lot of social science and history.
My family is full of lawyers, so at one point I decided to choose the simplest and most understandable path for myself: also become a lawyer. Parents did not insist on this, and my father even asked several times if I really wanted it. I didn't really feel like I was eager to study law, but I liked to imagine myself as a serious girl in a suit and carrying a suitcase.
I became comfortable in this well-thought-out story: I am studying to be a lawyer, my dad, if anything, helps me with internships, I get a job, I get a lot of money.
Many already then said that my character did not really fit in with jurisprudence: I was too dreamy, sensitive, empathic. It was unpleasant to hear this, so I tried to ignore such arguments: the plan had already been thought out and seemed quite successful. Deep down, I even liked to evoke a sense of dissonance in people: a cute petite girl and such a serious profession.
Moving to Moscow in this story became an obligatory step for me. I was obsessed with the capital since the age of 15, because I knew that there is a better job, a high salary and the opportunity to be separated from my parents. All this was necessary for me, because I considered myself the most real careerist. I imagined how I come to my dorm room, study laws with a glass of wine, manage to combine study with work, and by the age of 40 I earn a lot of money and start traveling.
I was like Scrooge McDuck with dollars in my eyes. I liked to think that I would go to Moscow and be involved in something more prestigious than everyone else.
The USE tests have become as much fun for me as crosswords
To enter the law faculty, I had to pass three subjects: Russian, social studies and history. In addition to them, I also chose specialized mathematics - my teacher insisted on this. I prepared for exams without tutors, because I had enough perseverance, motivation and work with school teachers. The USE tests have become as much fun for me as crosswords on the train. I didn't need to be forced to prepare, because I myself understood the importance of getting high marks.
I was not worried before the exam. Six months before the exams, I started dating a guy and felt euphoric. Of course, I shivered a little, but Nikita calmed me down. On the mock exams, I coped with the tasks of the first part in 7 minutes, and the second in just 30 minutes.
I was as confident as possible in my knowledge and felt internally that everything would be fine. As a result, I really passed the exams perfectly.
In all subjects I lost several points due to inattention, but overall the result was quite high: Russian - 96 points, social studies - 86 points, history - 96 points. I passed math for 72 points, but when I entered it was not useful to me at all. She submitted documents to several universities at once and almost everywhere went to the budget, but chose the Moscow State Law University named after M. V. O. E. Kutafina. So in September 2017 I became a student.
I plowed to get five grades, to throw a note-book to my dad and get his approval
When I saw the enrollment order, I was just in seventh heaven. I was already looking forward to the move, the beginning of student life, new subjects. There was no thought at all that I was doing something wrong. There was only one thought in my head: "Well, Lika, we'll live!"
The same sensations accompanied me throughout the entire first course. At that time, I still didn't care about anything, received a scholarship and a good amount of money for personal expenses, went to concerts, got used to living in a hostel. In addition, a couple of months after me, my young man moved to Moscow. The world at that moment seemed like a paradise.
I liked feeling like a student, and I also enjoyed the fact that there is no mathematics at the law faculty. Some of the teachers turned out to be charismatic and it was quite interesting to listen to them. I plowed to accumulate fives, to throw the record book to dad and get his approval.
The only thing that I clearly understood right away: I was not on my way with classmates. They are good guys, but we seem to exist in different planes. I felt like a little girl - too kind, flying and naive for the profession I chose. The guys turned out to be very closed and focused only on their business, so I could not talk to anyone about feelings and emotions. Classmates thought only about becoming the best at something and finding a job as soon as possible. Previously, this attitude was close to me, but here I instantly felt like a stranger.
It was like I opened the door and saw something that I shouldn't have
In August 2018, the University hosted the School of Masters, an annual major event for law students, to which experts from various fields are invited to share their experiences. One of the lectures was led by lawyer Yekaterina Smirnova and director Konstantin Bogomolov. They drew an analogy between law and theater, and I caught myself thinking that listening to theater is much more interesting for me. I left the event in a terrible confusion, as if I opened the door and saw something that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, I started my second year with a fighting spirit to participate in conferences and look for good internships. I wanted to build a career, as I had planned a few years ago, but I noticed that I was constantly looking for some excuses.
Industry subjects started, and as homework, we were asked to find court practice on a matter.
I sat in the “Consultant Plus” program and thought: “Lord, really this is what I will be doing at work. Seriously?"
Step by step, I became disillusioned with jurisprudence. In the second semester, something unprecedented in the life of an excellent student happened: I started skipping couples. For me, this is just nonsense. Thoughts began to appear in my head: “What if it's not yours? But then what suits you? " Inside then two Leakes fought. One wanted to find herself as soon as possible and arranged existential polls on Instagram, while the other gave the first slap in the face and said: “What are you, absolutely fucking? Go study law, you and I are careerists! " In general, mild schizophrenia.
“I cried a lot, slept badly and felt some apathy”
I really tried to love jurisprudence and forced myself to watch interviews with specialists from this field. It seemed to me that this way I could be imbued with sympathy for some of the professionals and follow in his footsteps. I grabbed every opportunity to fall in love with this case: I was looking for interesting litigation practices, communicated with specialists from different legal fields and generally tried to romanticize the profession in my head. But as a result, I realized that I was just filling the inner void.
Then I decided to get acquainted with all the professions in a row: I went to the website of the Higher School of Economics, opened tabs with faculties and read about all educational programs. There was a moment when I had seen enough interviews with actors from the Gogol Center and decided to enter the production department at VGIK, but my parents quickly kicked me in the head, and I did not fight for this idea. Thoughts about VGIK receded, but anxiety about the future did not go away. She often poured into psychosomatics: I cried a lot, slept badly and felt some kind of apathy.
Everything changed when I stumbled upon the Faculty of Psychology at the Higher School of Economics. Thoughts of love for working with the brain surfaced again. I used to be interested in psychology as a hobby, but now I started reading about people from this sphere and studying what opportunities a psychological education can give me. The more I learned, the more clearly I realized that I had found people who think on the same plane as me. They ask questions that excite me and give valid answers.
It seemed to me that the transition would be quite gentle: I would not be a lawyer, but an HR manager. The idea of working with people and not with books and laws attracted me more.
Father was so angry that you could see lightning in the sky
I had to shove through a huge amount of information, so the choice was not as spontaneous as in the 11th grade. A few months later, I definitely decided that I wanted to enter the psychology department. The most difficult thing remains - to figure out how to tell the parents about it.
All spring I toiled and gradually prepared my dad for a possible change of education. She constantly hinted that I don't like studying at the law school and that I feel bad. And then she just called and directly announced that she had decided to leave the university. The father was so angry that one could see lightning in the sky. I assured him that I would definitely go to the budget again, and if this does not happen, then I will return to the law school.
We agreed that I would take an academic leave, but in fact, I was planning to drop out in order to cut off all ties with jurisprudence at once. I was sure that I would not return, no matter how the situation turned out.
When my classmates found out that I was going to leave, they were not upset or happy: I was a rather inconspicuous person in the group. But the teachers were twisting at the temple and in every possible way discouraged. The arguments were from the category: “What? Psychological faculty? Why are you doing this? Yes, my friend with such an education cannot find a job now”. Everyone looked at me with some kind of pity in their eyes and thought: "Oh, poor, unhappy, I could not decide."
I went to pick up the documents after the summer session. When I was writing a letter of resignation, they continued to dissuade me with typical phrases: "Well, why, I had to finish my studies." The deputy dean sat me down in front of her and began to tell the story of her daughter, who got mad in her sophomore year and said she would leave. As a result, I finished my studies to the end, works, is happy and gets a lot of money. Everyone was worried about how my parents would survive my departure, but I felt so bad from being at the law school that I wanted only one thing - that everything would be over as soon as possible.
When I dropped out, I felt like the heroine of a musical. I entered the university with a cobblestone on my shoulders, and left so elated! There was not an ounce of regret: I did not doubt the correctness of my decision and am still sure that I did the right thing.
I encouraged myself that I have an atypical path in life
Almost no one supported me, so I myself was the main support. Many did not understand what I would be doing in the psychology department, and were skeptical that I left the budget. It didn't float me. Each time I mentally shook my hand and said: "Well done, Lika, we made the right decision." I encouraged myself that I had an atypical path in life. It's even great that I have already received half of my higher education and now I can master a new direction. And the fact that I will start my career a little later is not scary. After all, to whom am I trying to prove something? Only myself, but with myself I have a very harmonious relationship.
I do not dwell on failures and do not trample myself into the ground for not doing something the first time. It didn't work out, and okay - I got up, I go on and try in a different way.
It seems to me that if you do not face difficulties, then either you don’t reflect on your life at all, or you don’t do anything. It is impossible to cope with everything perfectly and walk on a flat, well-trodden path. I was also inspired by the stories of people who do not work in their specialty. It seems to me that you need to get an education, but then you can choose another path.
The idea of re-entry did not scare me. I can study and understood that I could prepare for the exam again. This is not the hardest exam in life. Since there was no longer any support in the form of a general education school, in September 2019 I started studying at an online school. To enter the Faculty of Psychology, I had to pass biology and retake profile mathematics for a higher score. The results in Russian were good after the first try, so I decided to use them as well.
This time, I prepared less diligently than the year I graduated from school. There was less obligation, and more effort had to be made to push myself up and force myself to practice. There was motivation, but I often fell into existential crises, thought about my path and reflected on what I was intended for. All this was confusing, but I continued to prepare: I watched webinars, did my homework, and solved tests.
When I found out the results of the exams, I cried for two days without interruption
The second time on the exam, I was much more worried. I no longer felt that I knew everything to the smallest detail. After the exam I came home upset: I felt that I had failed. For admission, I needed a high score - 90 and higher, but I got only 78. When I found out the results, I cried for two days continuously. For me this is very little, so I despised myself.
Math hasn't become my strong point either. I didn’t like her from school and began to actively prepare in just a month. It turned out so-so, and on the exam I also got the tasks with tricks. As a result, I passed only two points higher than the last time, and was very upset because I was counting on more.
It is easy to guess that according to the USE results, the chance to go to the budget at the Higher School of Economics has gone bankrupt.
Dad supported me and said that he would pay for the tuition. Now he approves of my choice, although he was skeptical before. He changed his mind, because I systematically talked to him and explained that I was not going to a vocational school or to study something useless. This education is a really important step for me. In addition, psychologists can build an excellent career and earn good money - this was important for my father.
Coming to terms with the fact that I will be getting an education on a commercial basis turned out to be the most difficult. First, I entered the law school with high scores, and then I flopped down from the height of my conceit. It is very unpleasant to realize that I depend on my dad and burden him with the payment for my education. It gnaws at me, but I entered with a 50% discount and now I'm trying to raise it or switch to the budget.
It turned out that I am better than I thought
This time I feel that I have correctly decided on education, and this outweighs all my worries. I wake up every morning and cannot believe that all this is happening to me. I look forward to the seminars with interest, like another episode of the series, and then I return home with the words: "We studied this today!" I like to discuss with teachers what I previously could only talk about with friends or a young man. Hobby became my main activity, and this is what I wanted: without any remorse to be interested in psychology.
Now I can learn what I really like, not for the sake of plus points and points for classes, but simply because I want to. I am bursting with joy - as if I won the lottery.
I was rarely lucky with bands, but this time the band was just awesome. Everyone is so kind, courteous and bright. It was as if I was out of place again, but now in a good sense of the word.
After entering the Faculty of Psychology, I feel like a renewed person. Even my opinion of myself improved. I became a headman in my group, and it turned out that I was not disorderly, as I thought before, but quite responsible and rather confident in myself. Now I feel a bunch of inner resources, which are enough for study, part-time work, and sports. I managed to open myself in a new way. It turned out that I was better than I thought. It's a nice feeling.
I have excellent pupil syndrome, so I am still worried about the grades. However, I am so grateful that the difficulties that I face are exactly like this. I have never felt so harmonious before. It's hard for me to imagine how my life would have turned if I hadn't taken the risk. I think I would hate myself and reproach all the time for not being sufficiently interested in the profession or not being able to start building a career. It's suicide, so I wouldn't do that to myself. I did what I had to.
When people hint that I made a mistake, I am triggered
I have already decided on the global sphere, but I am still looking for my own path. I think in what direction of psychology to develop, what is my mission. I would like to take steps to build a career, but I have not yet decided what specifically I want to do. Hopefully it won't be long and I will find the answers soon. This is my next step.
When people hint that I made a mistake, I am triggered. I do not think that I took a step back, because in fact it is two steps forward towards myself. There are no rules for living. There is no standard scheme: a school, one university and a job in your specialty, on which you will hump until the end of your days.
I think any path is cool, especially if it's unusual.
When an unusual situation happens to you, you become flexible and learn to make important decisions. I am glad that I was able to take this step, did not give up and did not bend under the opinion of the majority. It changed my life.
If you are in doubt right now and feel pressure, then remember that loved ones are not with you forever. From a certain point, you will have to live independently and be responsible for your choice. Non-relatives will go crazy, be depressed, feel guilt and shame, feel out of place, but you. If your loved ones really wish you well and all the best, then they will definitely be happy to see you joyful and enthusiastic. Listen to your inner voice, be honest and rely only on yourself.