5 ways to develop emotional intelligence

Being an astronaut is probably the hardest job in the world. NASA selects only the best out of a huge number of candidates. To travel into space, you must have immense qualifications and deep knowledge of science and technology. And also - to be an experienced pilot who has flown at least a thousand hours, and to be in impeccable physical shape. And most importantly, you must be smart.

Lisa Novak met all these requirements. She holds a master's degree in aeronautical engineering and studied astrophysics at the United States Naval Academy. For more than five years, the woman performed air missions in the Pacific Ocean for the US Navy. And in 1996 she became one of the lucky few who was chosen to join the astronaut corps.

Obviously, Lisa Novak was an outstanding and also very intelligent woman. But when in 2007 she found out that her boyfriend (Bill Ofelein, also an astronaut, by the way) had an affair with another … Lisa got into the car and drove from her home in Houston to Orladno, 1,500 kilometers away to deal with her rival.

Lisa covered this path in 15 hours, and in order not to waste time on unnecessary stops, she put on a diaper. With her, Novak took a pepper spray, belts and garbage bags. She was going to kidnap the hated homeless woman, but during the attack on the woman Lisa was arrested by the police.

What is emotional intelligence

Psychologists developed the concept of emotional intelligence back in the 80s, trying to explain why smart people (like Lisa Novak) sometimes do very, very stupid things. It is believed that general intelligence (IQ) affects the ability to process information and make informed decisions, and emotional intelligence (EQ) is responsible for recognizing and managing emotions - both our own and those of others.

To get started, try turning off your smartphone and chatting with others in the real world. Set aside a special time every day to get rid of all that is unnecessary. Try skipping music and podcasts in the morning - just reflect on your life and how you feel. Take 10 minutes and meditate. Remove social networks from your phone for a week. And you will be pleasantly surprised at how much you will change.

Become aware of how you are feeling. All distractions help you avoid a lot of unpleasant emotions. So when you give up on them and start accepting your emotions for what they are, your real feelings can scare you at first. You may suddenly realize that behind the mask of normality, you are actually quite depressed or, for example, acting too viciously. And you will understand that addiction to gadgets is just a way to distract from anxious feelings.

At this stage, it is important not to judge yourself for the emotions that arise. You will constantly feel the urge to say, "What the hell is happening to me!" But this will only make the situation worse. Whatever emotions you have, there are reasons for them, even if you don't remember how it all started. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Realize your weaknesses. Once you accept all the unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions that you are experiencing, you begin to understand your weaknesses.

For example, I am very offended when I am interrupted in a conversation. I take it as a personal insult and become very rude. This is my weakness. And only after realizing it, I will be able to react to it correctly.

However, just being aware is not enough - you also need to be able to manage your emotions.

2. Channel emotions in the right direction

People who believe that emotions are central to life often look for ways to control them. But you know what? Emotions cannot be controlled. You can only react to them.

There are no "good" or "bad" emotions. There is only "good" and "bad" reactions to them. For example, anger can be a destructive emotion if you use it to hurt yourself or others. But it can and can be beneficial if you use it to correct injustice or to protect yourself or others.

Joy is a wonderful emotion when something good happened to you and you share it with your loved ones. But it can also be destructive if it comes from harming someone.

Learn to recognize how you are feeling, decide if that emotion is appropriate for the situation, and act accordingly. This is what psychologists call "purposeful behavior."

3. Learn to motivate yourself

Most people try to find inspiration or motivation first in order to take some important action that will change their lives. They believe that as soon as they choose the right method, they will be enlightened and they will take up work, training or creativity. However, next week the fuse ends and everything returns to its starting point.

Therefore, you should use another method. When you need to motivate yourself, just start doing something.

Action is not so much a consequence of motivation as a cause.

Not strong enough to get to work? Sketch out a to-do list, make a plan, complete the smallest point - before you can look back, you have done half of what you planned. No incentive to go to the gym? Buy a trial subscription for a month to "just see" - and you yourself will not notice how you will be drawn in.

There is no need to wait until strong motivation arises. Do something first, and the urge to continue will appear later. Be aware of how you feel before, during, and after the action, and use those emotions.

Keep in mind that "good" feelings will not always motivate you. You may get frustrated, annoyed, or anxious if you don't get things right. Turn those emotions into stimuli and just keep going. In the end, the sweetest victory is the one you achieved against all odds.

4. Acknowledge the emotions of others

The previous steps were solely about your own emotions. But the main goal in developing emotional intelligence is that it should help build healthy relationships with others.

Any healthy relationship - romantic, family, friendship - begins with acknowledging and respecting each other's emotional needs. This can be achieved only by listening to others and empathizing with them.

Empathizing with someone does not necessarily mean fully understanding them. Learn to accept and appreciate loved ones for who they are, even if you don't understand them.

5. Fill your emotions with the right values

When Daniel Coleman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters More Than IQ was published in the late 90s, the concept of EQ became incredibly popular. Executives and managers read smart books and attended training on its development in order to learn how to motivate their subordinates. Psychologists have tried to instill a high EQ in their patients to help them cope with problems. Parents were encouraged to develop emotional intelligence in their offspring from childhood in order to prepare them for adulthood.

However, many authors of books on EQ are missing one important detail: emotional intelligence is meaningless without a focus on the right values.

A tycoon may have high emotional intelligence - this is necessary to run a corporation and employees. But if at the same time the businessman exploits poor people or destroys the ecology of the planet, how can his EQ be called a virtue?

Parents are able to develop emotional intelligence in their children. But if you don't instill in them honesty and respect, they can turn into ruthless and deceitful little assholes - but emotionally intellectual!

Scammers have a well-developed EQ, and they understand well the behavior of others. But in the end, they use their abilities to manipulate people and enrich themselves at someone else's expense.

Hitler had a very high EQ, was an excellent speaker and manager. And look what kind of firewood he messed up, because he was guided by monstrous false values.

Therefore, in order to live a fulfilling life, you must first understand what is really important to you. Choose the right guidelines - honesty, compassion, respect for yourself and others - and channel your emotional energy towards these values. Ultimately, the ability to identify the right personal priorities is the most important trait of emotionally intelligent people.