8 steps to forgive resentment

It is difficult to find an adult who has never faced pain or betrayal. Resentment is a normal reaction to injustice. But if you do not get rid of it, then negative emotions will recur over and over again in your memory. It is not worth forgetting the offense, but it is worth changing its perception. Then it will become easier to forgive insults.

Choosing forgiveness frees ourselves from suffering that brings up unpleasant moments over and over again.

You only have to forgive one single time. And hatred needs to be fueled constantly, day in and day out. You need to remember all the time all the bad things that have been done.

M. L. Stedman "Light in the Ocean"

Robert Enright, Ph. D. who studies the process of forgiveness, suggests breaking T. W. Baskin, R. D. Enright. … him eight steps. Despite the fact that situations are different, and everyone forgives in their own way, this approach will help to forgive, or at least localize, with which Robert Enright recommends contacting a psychologist.

1. Name the offenders

Make a list of people who have hurt you enough to ask for forgiveness.

Rate on a ten-point scale the pain they caused you, where one is minor pain, but still enough to pop up in memory and cause negative emotions; a dozen - actions are so harmful that it is difficult for you to even think about them.

Start with the person with the lowest score.

2. Analyze the resentment

Choose a specific action that this person has offended you with. Analyze how this action affects your life. Ask yourself questions:

What psychological harm did it do?
What physical harm did it do?
Have I become less people?
Am I disappointed in people?

Admit it: what happened was not normal. Allow yourself to feel the negativity that will appear during the analysis.

3. Make a decision

When you're ready, choose to forgive.

This decision will involve active action on your part - an act of mercy towards the person who has hurt you. As we forgive, we consciously reduce resentment by replacing it with respect, generosity, or even love.

It is important that forgiveness does not include justifying the offender's behavior. We must not forget about justice and close our eyes to its violation.

Another important point. Forgiving does not mean reconciling. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy by which both parties (the perpetrator and the victim) come to mutual trust. You may not be reconciled with the person, but still forgive him.

4. Put yourself in the shoes of the abuser

Try to answer the following questions about your abuser:

What was his life like when he was growing up?
What difficulties were in his life at the moment when he offended you?
What did he suffer from so much that he hurt you?

The answers to these questions are not meant to be an excuse for the abuser. Just realize that the abuser is just as vulnerable.

Understanding why people act destructively also helps to find more effective ways to prevent similar actions in the future.

5. Observe carefully

Be mindful of how you feel.

Don't miss the moment when you feel at least the slightest sympathy for your abuser. This person may have been embarrassed, mistaken, or deceived. It is possible that he deeply regrets what he did.

As you think about the abuser, notice how your emotions towards him or her change.

6. Don't dump your pain on others

When we are emotionally hurt, we tend to take out our pain on others.

Try to consciously endure the pain you feel. Don't try to dump it on someone else. For example, an offender or an innocent person who will be with you in difficult times.

Pay attention to this important point so as not to pass the negativity on to someone else.

7. Give the abuser

Come up with something that you can give the abuser.

Forgiveness is an act: you show kindness to someone who has not been kind to you. It can be a smile, a call back or a letter, a kind word about the abuser in conversation with others, like on social networks.

But always remember your safety. If an act of kindness can put you in a vulnerable position again, find another way to express positive feelings. For example, you can write in your journal or participate in a meditative practice of forgiveness.

8. Turn resentment into a positive experience

Try to find meaning and purpose in what you have gone through.

Many become more sensitive and attentive to others, having experienced their own resentment, and understand why they need to help others - those who are suffering.

By accepting the wrong about yourself, you can become the person who will prevent future injustice and make the world a kinder place.

Next time, go back to the list and forgive the other lowest rated abuser. Climb up until you forgive the most serious offender - the one from whom you have suffered the most.

This way you can become a generous person.