What to do if you have been cheated on

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

An action plan to help you take control of your emotions and decide whether to continue or leave.

Clarify the facts

If your relationship is in jeopardy, first make sure you have all the information on hand. If you suspect a partner, if someone whispered to you about cheating, do not jump to conclusions. Talk. It will hurt in any case, there is no getting away from it. But you have to find out the following:

• What really happened. Virtual flirting or dating? Is there a strong emotional connection on the side or just physical contact?
• In what circumstances did the betrayal occur. Is this a carefully concealed affair or just “I don’t know how it happened”? There is a huge difference between registering on a site to find a sexual partner and a drunk kiss at a party.
• When the betrayal happened.
• It was an isolated incident or not.
• In what relationship is your partner with another person.
• Whether the partner wants to keep your relationship. You may not need to think about what to do next.
• Did the partner think about protection when he cheated? This may not affect your decision, but at least you will know whether or not you need to go to the doctor.

Take a break to come to your senses

After the discovery of the fact of treason, emotions are overwhelming. It takes time for the world to return to its usual position. And all the more time is needed to think over further actions.

After listening to your partner, tell them that you need to be alone to think things over. Ask not to touch you until you get in touch yourself. You can set a specific time frame, or you can just tell them when you're ready.

Chances are, immediately after opening, you will want to take harsh measures, whatever they may be. Someone wants to immediately return everything as it was. After such a shock, many often begin to feel an overwhelming need for a partner. And someone decides to burn all the bridges and never look back.

Try to resist such impulses and make decisions with the most cold head and calm heart.

In the meantime, you are resting from each other, throw all your strength into recovery. At work, tell them you are sick. Call your best friends and talk to them. Sleep. Eat. Take a walk in the fresh air. Go to the gym. Pour all tormenting thoughts onto paper. Cook. Sing it. Do anything to make you feel better. As long as possible. In fact, few of us are used to taking care of ourselves, so this stage will not be easy. But the effort is worth it.

See a psychotherapist. If only because even the most devoted friends can get tired of listening to your story for the tenth time. Talk to someone you won't annoy and work through the issues at the same time, rather than just pouring out negativity.

Decide what to do

After a pause and recovery, you can pull yourself together. Here are some things to think about:

• How strong was the betrayal?As stated above, there is a difference between a momentary clouding and a lengthy romance on the side. Don't discount the reasons.
• This is not the first betrayal?If history repeats itself, then don't expect your partner's behavior to change. It is also worth considering whether the person has cheated in a past relationship.
• How long have you been together?If your relationship is at the beginning, then it will be easier to end it. And if you have lived together for ten years, then perhaps the years spent will outweigh one mistake.
• Is it worth saving your couple? Cheating can signal that the relationship is, in fact, long overdue. If you have no idea of a joint future, then why drag a dead horse with you? Sometimes it's better to solve problems before things get completely confused.
• Does the partner understand how will his act affect the relationship? If he does not repent, then there is nothing to forgive. Also, consider how you found out about the betrayal: was it a confession or was someone just not hiding well enough?
• Is your partner ready to work on a relationship? What concrete steps does he plan: talk, promise, go on vacation with you?
• Are you ready to completely forgive cheating? This means that you will never again demand compensation for what you have gone through, and you will not recall betrayal in arguments.

It is difficult to isolate yourself from emotions, but you need an informed decision yourself.

Live on

If you decide to leave

There is only one advice: when leaving, leave, do not drag resentment and everything related to this relationship with you. Don't follow your ex, don't expect an apology, and forget the whole story as soon as possible.

If you decide to stay

Reuniting after cheating is a painful process. For the fastest recovery, try proven remedies.

Go to a psychological consultation

Joint visits to a psychotherapist are even more rare in our country than independent ones. But a professional look from the outside and a frank conversation will help you quickly overcome misunderstandings and move on.

Prepare for an emotional storm

Mental pain goes away slowly, and anything can cause emotions. The usual sight of a couple holding hands will lead to an explosion of feelings, and it is not even known which ones. Get ready to cry at breakfast, swear at lunch, and suffer at dinner.

To experience emotions, give them a way out.

Try keeping a diary and write whatever comes into your head. Attempts to control yourself will lead to the fact that the process will drag on.

Don't get hung up

After the trauma, the brain will work in an enhanced mode, trying to understand how it happened. In fact, this is an unconscious attempt to protect yourself from repeating a mistake in the future. Unfortunately, these attempts are useless. You can never foresee and predict everything that will happen between you and your loved one. And when thoughts keep coming back to cheating again and again, hold them back. Breathe in and remind yourself that dwelling on the situation only makes you worse.

Get ready for your sex life to change

Sex will be different. The person who has been cheated on feels pressure, compares himself to the person he does not know. This can lead to complete paralysis of the sex life. But this is also a reason to add a new one and step over some prohibitions.

Don't fill your partner's personal space

After cheating, it seems like repetition can be avoided by increasing control. Someone starts reading messages on a partner's phone, checking mail, calling friends. The nightmare begins. Trying to get into the personal space of trust will not restore and will not give any guarantee of future honesty. On the contrary, anger will also arise between you, and this is at the moment when you need to look for common ground.

No one can live happily ever after under total control.

Yes, and you yourself will wind up, each time expecting to see confirmation of your fears in someone else's mail.

Rebuild relationships with new knowledge

Sometimes cheating is simply due to the circumstances, and sometimes it is a sign of serious relationship problems. When the critical stage of resentment has passed, you can discuss your future again and understand the reasons for the act. Maybe the couple lacked sex, attention, interest. Or maybe your views on ideal relationships just don't match. In the end, not all of us are monogamous by default, and if one of the partners has different views, then it will not work to reshape a person to fit his model.

Let go

Cheating seems like an unforgivable act. But you've already decided to forgive. And even if your partner does everything to regain trust, this cannot continue until the end of his life. If you can't find the strength to get through this stage, maybe staying together was a bad idea?

Don't expect to get better and better every day. But time really heals - give your relationship a chance to thrive.