What is emotional cheating and why is it dangerous

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

No, this is not just friendship.

It all starts out quite innocently and looks like an ordinary friendship. You communicate with a person, exchange messages, go for a walk or snowboard together, share problems and experiences. And then suddenly you realize that you would rather spend the evening texting with “just a friend” than watching a movie with your own husband or wife. And this connection, which suddenly became unexpectedly strong, destroys your relationship with a regular partner.

What counts as emotional betrayal

Emotional cheating is when a person is married or in a serious relationship, but gives someone else more time, energy, and feelings than their partner. With this "friend" he shares his innermost thoughts, he prefers to turn to him for support, warmth and emotional stroking. In other words, he is looking for emotions on the side.

45% of men and 35% of women admitted to being emotionally unfaithful to their partners. How do you know if you are one of them? Psychologists and marriage experts identify the following features:

• You move away from your spouse / partner. It is difficult for you to talk to him about something other than everyday household issues.
• You think about your friend all the time, you can't wait to meet him.
• You are not interested in intimacy with your partner, both emotionally and sexually.
• You spend less time together than you used to.
• You share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with a friend, not your partner.
• You are looking for an excuse to give a friend a gift or to please him in some other way.
• You feel like your friend understands you better than your partner.
• You are more likely to spend time with a friend than with your husband or wife.
• You keep your friendship a secret, you don't tell the other half what you are talking about, you hide the fact that you went to a meeting, and you prefer not to mention this relationship at all.
• You feel attracted to your friend.
• You often quarrel with your partner over your relationship with a friend.

And here are the alarm bells that indicate what your partner or spouse is emotionally changing:

• He avoids you, acts aloof, often criticizes you.
• He has become secretive, hides the phone or puts a password on it and slams the laptop lid if you suddenly entered the room.
• He developed unexpected interests and hobbies.
• He says he is working with a friend or girlfriend on a project and they often need extra time.
• He constantly talks about his boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Usually you are not jealous, but now you have a gut feeling that something is wrong.
• When you try to discuss a situation, the husband or wife is acting hostile, attacking you, or trying to make you look crazy.

There are several fundamental differences between platonic friendship and emotional betrayal. Infidelity begins when the “friend” gets closer than the spouse or partner. When cheaters have secrets from their halves. And when between "friends" there is a sexual attraction - conscious or not.

Why emotional cheating is dangerous

Many people think that there is nothing wrong: this is not sex, which means that it is not considered treason. But that's not the case at all.

1. Emotional closeness is just a prelude

Psychologists and marriage counselors say that such an emotional connection is also a kind of betrayal, albeit without sex. Because this “just friendship” can easily end up in bed over time. There is almost certainly a sexual attraction between two people, if they become that close.

2. Emotional cheating hurts and leads to breakup

Such cheaters often do not feel guilty, but their spouses or partners think very differently. A close emotional connection with another person is no less painful than the fact of having sex on the side. True, the attitude towards this issue depends on gender.

Researchers conducted a survey and found that women are more afraid of the emotional betrayal of a partner, and men are more afraid of sexual ones. In any case, both of them feel cheated and betrayed - because close people hide from them an important part of their lives, and lying and hiding destroy trust and harm relationships. As a result, the case may end in rupture.

3. Emotional infidelity hurts all participants

A friend who is drawn into this peculiar love triangle also has feelings. The cheater, in fact, gives him hope that someday they will be together, and actively feeds it - with warm messages, joint gatherings and walks, meaningful glances and, as it were, random touches.

But at the same time, it seems that he is not going to develop these relations, does not call what is happening a novel and does not think about leaving the family. That is, he puts his “just friend” in a strange, ridiculous and almost humiliating position. And it hurts.

And finally, this whole situation causes suffering to the cheater himself. He is forced to suppress his feelings, lie, dodge, torn between two people close to him.

What if you change

Understand the reasons

Maybe you are lacking in care, support, and attention. Perhaps your spouse or partner does not spend enough time with you, admires you a little, often criticizes you. Or does not share interests that are important to you.

Perhaps you need strong emotions, adventure and shake-up. And it also happens that there is no longer love and warmth between you and the relationship has come to an end, although you refuse to admit it. Be that as it may, try to figure out why you started looking for emotions outside the family.

Realize that cheating destroys your relationship

That you give all your energy, affection, even love to another person. That you are deceiving your partner, you move away from him. All this causes pain and suffering to all parties to the conflict and may eventually end in rupture.

Talk to your half

Talking about how you have feelings for another person is probably not worth it - unless, of course, you are planning to get a divorce. But you can discuss the reasons why this happened. For example, if you lack support and admiration - tell your partner about this, ask him to give you more time and attention. Or go on a trip together to strengthen your marriage and get the experiences you need.

Decide what to do with "friendship"

Be honest with yourself and consider if you can bring this relationship back on a purely friendly track. If not, the connection will have to be severed - and as soon as possible. Explain to a friend that this union is detrimental to your relationship with your husband or wife and you are forced to cut off the relationship. Try not to meet this person again, delete him from your life, at least for a while - do not write or call him, unsubscribe from him in social networks.

Fill in the blanks

Sometimes "platonic betrayals" happen where there is a lack of joy and vivid positive emotions. Think about where else, besides a relationship with a friend, you can get them. Maybe you should get out more often, or it makes sense to start a new hobby, travel more, do art or sports.

Ask for help

If you are struggling with the situation, but want to maintain a relationship, seek out a good family therapist and start attending sessions with your partner.

How to protect your relationship from emotional cheating

Some family counselors are quite categorical on this issue. They believe that if you are married, you should avoid any contact with members of the opposite sex (or your own - if we are talking about homosexual people). This will be the prevention of betrayal.

This opinion echoes the traditional patriarchal views - when the husband opposes any communication between his wife and other men. But this approach assumes that one of the spouses - most often the husband - does not trust the other and violates his freedom. And such relationships can no longer be called healthy and equal. In addition, the desire to isolate a partner from communicating with friends is a sign of emotional abuse.

Healthy relationships built on friendship, trust and mutual respect are in themselves a defense against cheating. Therefore, try the following.

Spend more time together

Go on dates to cafes, restaurants, theaters, movies, or for walks. Use every opportunity to be together.

Talk about what worries you

Don't build up resentment, anger, and irritation. Don't expect your partner to figure out why you are unhappy. Talk about your feelings, discuss what you don't like, try to find a solution. If you are rude, offended, or hurt - do not forget to apologize and discuss what happened.

Generally talk to each other as much as possible

Not only about everyday matters - about purchases, bills, repairs and leaking taps. But also about what fascinates you - about books, TV shows, about your hobbies, cultural and political events. And of course, share your feelings and experiences.

Support each other

Be sure to take the time to listen to your loved one, cheer him up, say that you love him and believe in him.