"I alone am smart, I stand beautiful in a white coat": how to communicate with people who consider themselves better than others

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

If the other person highlights your flaws but doesn't notice theirs at all, you don't have to put up with it.

Who wears the white coat

Even before the pandemic began, these people bought buckwheat, toilet paper and masks. Because shrewd and thrifty, not like you. They did not lose their jobs and did not lose money in money. Because it was necessary to get a job in a normal organization, and not in this small business of yours. Their children are always obedient and learn well. Because their parents, unlike some, are engaged in upbringing. These supermen never get depressed - they are too busy for that. Otherwise, there are idlers who justify themselves with all sorts of diagnoses.

Such comrades on the Internet are called white-coats. This definition grew out of a meme. Once upon a time, a picture of Novodvorskaya appeared on the Web. The white coat of opposition activist Valeria Novodvorskaya, on which she stands with a placard that reads: “You are all fools and do not get treatment! I alone am smart, I stand beautiful in a white coat!"

It is no longer clear to whom Novodvorskaya addressed these words and whether the inscription was changed in graphic editors. But it doesn’t matter: the phrase admirably aptly characterizes the “white-coats”. Sometimes such people are also called d'Artagnan thanks to the remark from the anecdote: "You are all ***, and I am d'Artagnan."

However, whatever you call it, the essence does not change: people in a white coat put themselves above others, try to humiliate their interlocutors and give unsolicited advice.

Why are people in white coats mad?

They don't care about the feelings of others

They have only one goal - to sparkle with their snow-white clothes and show how infallible they are, unlike you, losers.

They show aggression and violate boundaries

Yakanism, snobbery and unsolicited advice is quite an aggression, only passive. A person cannot say: "You are all disgusting mothers, I am much better than you!" Therefore, he chooses smoothed, but no less offensive formulations: “And my child, a year and a half, has already read poetry. You just need to deal with children, that's all."

They transfer their experience to everyone

“I don’t understand those who are always whining that the salary is low. Immediately after graduation, I got a job in a large company and I get paid just fine. You need to study well, develop yourself - and there will be no problems."

And it doesn't matter that the interlocutors have completely different life experiences and conditions, that they studied just as well, and the reasons for their small salary are completely different.

They lie and talk about things they don't understand

During the discussion, it may turn out that the white coat has no children, but he still knows how to raise them, and better than these modern mothers. Or that he has never been overweight, but he is sure that losing weight is easier than easy: stop eating fast food - and that's it.

They assure that they did not want anything bad

And sometimes they themselves believe in it. "I just expressed an opinion, why are you angry?" "I wanted the best, but you snap!"

What makes people wear a white coat

They fall into the traps of thinking

For example, because of the fundamental error of attribution: we believe that failures happen to us because external circumstances have developed this way, and to others because they themselves are to blame.

If I fail the exam, the teacher doesn't like me. If someone else - it is he simply prepared poorly.

Another trap, the observer participant effect, works in a similar way. When we look at a person from the outside, we evaluate only himself and his actions (that is, dispositional factors), and when we are inside a situation, we shift the focus of attention to external circumstances (exposure factors).

Another cognitive distortion that affects the person in the white coat is survivor error. Because of her, it seems to us that since we have succeeded in something, it means that everyone else should. In doing so, we ignore that circumstances can be very different.

A classic example of a survivor's mistake is to draw parallels with billionaires and say that since Steve Jobs opened a company in a garage, and then raised such a giant out of it, then anyone can do it.

They believe in a just world

This is a kind of psychological defense. It is very convenient to assume that all events are subject to clear logic and are easily predictable. Or that a bad person always receives punishment, and a hardworking and good person always receives a reward, it is enough to follow certain rules, and nothing bad will happen to you. If this happens to someone, it means that he is to blame, that's all.

It can be very scary to admit that there is no logic and justice, and that anything can happen to any person at any moment - from a minor nuisance to a real tragedy.

They have problems with empathy and tact

Let's be honest: sometimes each of us tries on a white coat. It can be nice to “scratch” your ego and feel how beautiful you are against the background of the rest, stupid and lazy.

But someone keeps these thoughts to themselves, does not devalue the interlocutors and does not spoil their mood. And someone uncovers their coat and appears before the public, surrounded by its blinding radiance.

They are not very confident and want to show off

When you doubt yourself, asserting yourself at the expense of others is one of the easiest and most obvious ways to feel a little better.

How to deal with people in a white coat

It's good if there is an opportunity to sort out your own feelings. What's happening to me now? How do I react to this? What were the exact words that made me feel this way? What were my values affected? It is useful to remember that you have a right to any feelings and that they can indicate to you what is happening.

For example, we often react with anger and anger to violation of boundaries (they stepped on my foot in the tram, of course, I will be indignant). White-coat statements are a clear invasion of personal space, and you have the right not only to be indignant, but to experience a lot of other feelings.

There is some possibility that the interlocutor "stumbled" unintentionally - then you can tell what reaction his words evoke in you, and call to order. It is worth using the "I-statement", which is not about how you would like to name the interlocutor in this story, but about you and your reaction in response to what you hear. If the person did not want to hurt you, they may apologize and change their communication tactics.

If this does not help, there may be several options. On the Internet, of course, the easiest way is to ignore a person or even ban it altogether. You should not enter into a long emotional correspondence, most likely, it will only take your time and energy, but will not bring results.

In reality, if a person is not close to you and is not very dear to you, you can also stop the conversation or transfer it to another topic. Possible options are to go to another room or to defiantly start reading a book if the person does not understand that you have really "pulled out" of contact.

Remember that the man in the white coat does not seek to help you with his statements or to find the right solution to the problem. Most likely, he simply raises his own self-esteem by humiliating others and making comparisons not in their favor. Therefore, an open and honest conversation about what is happening is often out of the question.

Observe the rules of your own safety: support only such topics of conversation that are acceptable for you in communicating with this person, limit or completely stop communicating with toxic people, filter incoming information, in particular in the endless feeds of the Internet space. Take care of yourself and notice changes in your own condition.

It so happens that it is impossible to complete communication with a person who regularly "walks" a white coat (for example, these are relatives or colleagues). Never ask these people for support and strictly follow the topics that you are willing to discuss together.

If the situation is getting out of hand and you need support, seek psychological help.

What to do if you are wearing a white coat

Generally speaking, it is natural for a person to try on “white clothes”. There is hardly anyone who has never done this, at least mentally. But this behavior can hurt others, and it is better to leave the coat in the closet, rather than show it to the world.

• Try to keep track of the moments when you want to say "Here I am …" and proudly rise above your interlocutors. Pause and ask yourself what it will do for you and how other people will react to it. In fact, the pleasure of your own "radiance" will be fleeting, and you will hardly want to continue communicating with you.
• Don't talk about what you don't understand in practice. Try to share your experiences (after finding out if it is appropriate), rather than handing out advice and guidance. “My child is usually quite calm and obedient, but I have a couple of tricks to cope with his whims. If you want, I can tell you."
• If you really want to share your successes and declare how great you are, do it in a respectful manner, without humiliating or devaluing others. "Imagine, but I always buy food for a couple of months in advance, and during quarantine it helped me out."
• Often a white coat is worn when recognition is lacking. Think about how else you can get it. For example, at work, ask your boss for feedback, at home - talk to your family and explain that you want to be praised more often. If you are engaged in a hobby, share your results on social networks - there will definitely be at least a couple of people who will appreciate your achievements.