How to learn to be alone

I understand that this may seem very strange. You probably think that I am a cute freak, and very lonely. It's funny, but I was much more lonely before I started spending time on my own. The constant feeling that I am not at ease, and the feeling that I need people around me like air - that was loneliness. The feeling of constant anxiety and the fear that the guy will leave me - this is loneliness. And spending time alone is peace of mind. It is interesting. And it boosts self-esteem. And now I will tell you how I learned to spend time alone.

1. Just do it. And don't try to look cool

Everyone is tired of the Nike cliché, but still Just do it. Since this all started. How embarrassing it was for the first time to go to the cinema alone and sit there with a backpack in the next chair, pretending in front of other cinema visitors that the guy had left for drinks and was about to return. This feeling will pass, as will the fear of people who supposedly think something about why you are spending time alone.

Don't try to be cool in the eyes of others. Most likely, you will never meet these strangers again in your life, and they will discuss the film, not you.

2. Make your list of favorite things. And don't wait for anyone

I realized that I should be alone when things appeared that I would like to do, but friends who could keep me company were always busy or had other plans.

If your favorite band is going to play the only show in town and none of your friends can go, don't waste the opportunity to make your dream come true. You can wait forever for others to be free, and eventually realize that the moment is missed. Plus, scheduling something for yourself doesn't require exchanging tons of messages and stupid group chats.

So take a piece of paper and write down every thing you love and what you would like to do but never did because there was no one around. Now this excuse is not accepted.

3. Make a schedule. Don't cancel plans

Once a week, I include in my schedule an evening that I will spend alone. This means that I will go to the movies alone or wallow in my pajamas and watch Sex and the City. The line in the schedule serves as a written confirmation that I should please myself, and will help me not to change my plans if something unexpected happens. I do not want to refuse friends, but now I am learning to be a friend to myself.

It’s a great relief - one evening dedicated exclusively to yourself, when you don’t need to worry about whether all your friends have the same plans, when you don’t need to leave the house, if you want to lie on the couch. I spend time with myself and do what makes me happy. No stress. No complicated decisions. It's easy and feasible. And most importantly, this is a chance to become honest with myself: to decide what I really want and what is easier said than done.

In the past year, I became lonely of my own accord. Not because of the circumstances. Not because no one wanted to communicate with me or I could not find a suitable companion.

Many people find it hard to believe that I refuse to date. And often I look weird in the eyes of my grumpy old aunt or college friends.

Why do some people choose to be lonely of their own accord? To spend time alone? Am I losing an important part of my life if I don't meet on Tinder and don't go on dates? What if the only one walked by, and I didn't notice, because I was too busy with myself?

I’m not ashamed of my loneliness to proclaim out loud that dating myself was the most stable, relaxed, relaxing relationship imaginable. There is no need to wait for a response to a message (or agonize, thinking if my message was too flirtatious, too demanding, too wordy), and I never even thought that another person might misunderstand me.

This does not mean that I am not going to meet other people in the future - I definitely will. But now I know for sure that the relationship that I managed to build with myself is the relationship that I would like with another person. I am kind, patient, affectionate. I laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for my wrongdoing. With such a person, I would like to be close and, I hope, I will.