3 exercises to help you worry less about the opinions of others

Exercise 1: The Power of Goals

The first exercise I offer you can change your life forever. And here I am not exaggerating, but relying on the experience of the people with whom I worked.

Have you ever had this: you saw a person in a crowd, thought, "This is my soul mate" - and no longer noticed anyone? Or that you pay attention to only one car on the road, because this is what you have always dreamed of? Each of us is able to focus so much on the ultimate goal that everything else disappears from sight, even other people's thoughts.

It is good to set goals so clear and clear that you feel as if you have already achieved them.

Let's see how this is done. Here you can think of SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, real and time-bound), but these parameters are not limited to.

So that nothing can lead you away from the chosen path or slow you down, you need to do the following:

1. Make sure your goal is aligned with your core values.

2. Write down everything you can do to achieve this goal. And here's the secret: don't think about time, lack of skills or funds, external circumstances, that you are unfamiliar with such and such a movie star, or that unicorns do not exist. Do not limit your imagination, write down everything, even the craziest thoughts.

When you give complete freedom to your creative thinking, your mind gets the opportunity to extract from the depths of the subconscious the ideas that are hidden there.

While you were worried about what others thought of you, your brain had no time to look for smart or non-standard solutions that could help you achieve what you want. This exercise will unload your mind.

So, if you are constantly worried about what such and such a colleague thinks of you, now write down on paper what you want to achieve, and not what you want to think about this person. This is an internal goal, not an external one. Is your colleague present in this picture? Maybe he will be subordinate to you? If so, how and when? And if it is not directly related to your goal, then you do not need to include it in a detailed list of what will help you achieve this goal.

3. When you have a long list of things to do, take another sheet and continue. The longer you write, the deeper you go into this exercise, the more ideas you have and the more powerful they are. In the beginning, you wrote down what was spinning in your head for a long time and did not allow you to fall asleep. To come up with effective ideas, you first need to deal with the stupid and absurd.

Reasonable ideas are born from crazy ideas.

Of course, talking about magical unicorns or fantasizing about how you blow up all the phones to finally get quiet is crazy. But out of crazy ideas, reasonable ones are born. You are unlikely to break phones in the office, but you can bring noise-canceling headphones to work or come earlier while no one is there, or mute the sound on your phone. See why it's so important to keep the list going? It may not be easy. But don't give up. If you are not fantastically fantasizing, here are a few tips to guide you on your creative goals:

“I can quit and start my own business. True, I will need a capital of several million (it will magically appear for me) to recruit five of the best specialists in the industry (they will be brainwashed to agree to work for me), and I, also magically, will become the best negotiator in the world and provide us with the most profitable contracts. " (This is a completely insane plan, but keep it going: insane ideas unleash creative thinking.)
“I can become the world's first independent specialist in this field. True, this has never happened in our industry, but I will magically change everything. " (In many industries, dramatic changes have occurred because someone looked at the situation and asked, “Okay, why so?” Let your creative mind ask the same question.)

4. When you have a very large list, re-read your crazy ideas. Which ones intuitively attract you? (For now, do not let the rational part of consciousness take over, which says, “This is impossible.”) Maybe you will laugh at silly fantasies, or maybe you will find in them the rudiments of sound ideas. Everything is changing. Remember this, because when we make assumptions about what others think, it can affect our actions.

When we formulate clear goals that come from within, rather than relying on someone else's opinion, we can focus on them.

Choose from the list the most interesting ideas, but no more than three. An overabundance of goals is no better than an overabundance of thoughts: we stop acting because we don't know what to grab onto.

5. Figure out what to do to achieve each of the goals. Do not discard crazy ideas, they just can pull realistic solutions from the depths of your subconscious.

6. Which of these actions will you take?

7. The main problem with most goals is your unfounded assumptions. What have you come up with in advance about this goal? Do you assume that at work you are only required to arrive on time and fulfill your duties, and not make fresh suggestions? "How can a boss be interested in my idea, which will save the company 15% of recruiting costs?"

You assume that the great inspirational business speaker you are listening to does not need an accountant, so you don’t go up to him after the speech and tell him how you could help him (you tell him, not “sell” yourself - this is how things are in the 21st century are not done!). You assume that in the gaze of the person who at the event does not take his eyes off you, anger and hatred. Or maybe he envies your success and wants to know how you succeed. “What works? Nothing succeeds, that's why I look at you!"

8. Assumptions are a big obstacle to success. Remember a simple rule: if you don't know for sure, don't assume. What anyone thinks is not your concern. You have something to focus on - your goals at work.

9. Stay focused. If you've formulated a specific goal and action plan, are constantly and productively working on them, and are struggling with unfounded assumptions that make you procrastinate, get distracted from positive thoughts, and lose motivation, then focusing won't be difficult.

However, any successful person will tell you that stress and setback cannot be avoided on the road to success. How can you maintain your focus? Where do you have a stock of positivity for a rainy day? In order not to be distracted from your goal, think about the people, places, words, and activities that will set you up to be positive.

Exercise 2. Game "Clouds"

This exercise is very useful when you are overly concerned about what others think: it will remind you that others are just as engrossed in their thoughts as you are.

I'll prove it now. I have given trainings and speeches many times about fear of public speaking and how to overcome it. And there is nothing worse than events for business contacts. In a hall full of specialists, I point to the person who sits farthest from me on the left side, and say: "This is who is now most afraid of all those present." And everyone laughs.

Then I explain: if at a training session about speaking in front of the public you say that now everyone will try their hand at blitz reports, and you start from the right side, then the person who sits last on the left thinks: “Oh no, it’s my turn in the end!"

I read somewhere the phrase that we would rather lie in a coffin than give a speech at a funeral, can you imagine?

In fact, this means that he will not hear anyone's performances: for at least half an hour he will worry and think about how to perform. How do I know this? From my own experience! And they always laugh in the audience, because everyone knows this. And when I ask the audience: "What do you think about when you are sitting in the hall and not performing from the stage?" - they answer me:

“I’m glad I don’t perform”;
“I would never have succeeded”;
“If the microphone starts to be worn around the hall, I will pretend that they call me and go out”;
"I have a mess in my head, because soon it's my turn to perform."

Now, the same goes for worrying about what others think of you. When you need to express your opinion, and your head is spinning: “Everyone thinks that I’m talking nonsense,” “They are looking at a pimple on my nose,” “Surely they are wondering why they asked me to speak, and not such and such ", - in fact, everyone thinks:" Oh, how good it is that I do not act from the stage!"

The next time you feel this fear, play the Cloud game. Imagine that each listener has a cloud of thoughts above their heads, like in comics. What will you read there? Forgive me if I dispel your fantasies, but everyone thinks about themselves and their problems: you are not important enough to think about you all day! So what will the clouds say?

"I wonder what will be fed at the coffee break?"
"I don't think I closed the window."
“Have I turned off the sound on the phone or have I forgotten? Suddenly it will ring now - it will turn out inconveniently”.
“I think my tights have gone. How to check imperceptibly whether we went or did not go until we had to get up?"
“Oh, I think it's Mr. Smith. They say he has a vacancy in his department. It will be necessary to approach him and clarify, just to wait until the report ends."
“How do speakers manage to be so calm and confident on stage? I feel uneasy in the audience, it seems that everyone is looking at me."

Exercise 3. Check out, shout out, throw out

Last but not least, if you are worried about someone else's opinion, there will be times when you have to react to it. Not all thoughts of others can be ignored. Perhaps your instincts tell you that you are really being discussed behind the eyes, and this does not affect your results in the best way. Here's the last exercise for you - it's called "Sign out, shout out, throw it out."

I love reading about great people like Mohandas Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Winston Churchill. And it saddens me that so many people share their quotes on social networks, but know nothing about their actions. All great events in history are the result of actions, not words. Yes, great people first have thoughts, but what really matters is their actions. And it was their actions, not what they said, that changed history. This is important to remember for the “Check out, shout out, throw out” exercise.

What do you think, what is being said about you behind your back?
How does this affect you?
How does this affect your success?
It is not necessary (yet) to call the gossip for a frank conversation.
Take a piece of paper and write down everything, without exception, that comes to your mind when you think about the consequences of how people think of you. Write down how you think this affects your life, your success, your future.
And now allow yourself to get really angry about this: "How dare he!", "How dare he harm my success!" This is disgusting, this is disgusting, this is outrageous!"

Has it gotten easier? Or do you still feel insulted and disrespected? There are two options for the development of events.

1. You realize that you are completely in control of what is happening in your head, and it does not depend at all on what is happening in this person's head. This means that you can focus on your career and goals and will no longer be painful to react to other people's opinions. Now you can tear up and throw away everything that you wrote about your experiences because of someone else's opinion: these are not your thoughts. These are the thoughts of another person who has their own experience, their own life, their talents and their values. How can he influence your goals in life?

2. You feel that the risk has not gone anywhere: this person can really interfere with your success at work. This is one of those rare cases when you have to challenge other people's opinions, and not only in your head; perhaps it is worth calling the person into a frank conversation, no matter how frightening this prospect may be. Either way, you will end the unpleasant situation and you will be able to focus on your goals.

Straight talk will help defuse the atmosphere and understand each other's point of view. Think about what you will say to the interlocutor, calmly, clearly and without unnecessary emotions, how you will convey your position to him.

I watched how, after a frank conversation, the gossip, offended and hurt, began to do dirty tricks on the sly (though this did not lead to anything: his opponent now leads a team in which there are more than 45 people, including the hapless gossip). I watched as worries about someone else's opinion instantly evaporated, because it turned out that the reason was misunderstanding. I watched the former rivals work out great in the end, because they had a lot in common.

Of course, it's scary to think about it, but on the way to success at work, you can't do without difficulties, when in fact you need to raise the stake in the game and act in spite of fear.

Here, as elsewhere, the guarantee of moving forward is three conditions: a specific goal, healthy self-confidence and faith in your success.

Now you can tear up and throw away everything that you wrote about your experiences because of someone else's opinion: these are not your thoughts. These are the thoughts of another person who has their own experience, their own life, their talents and their values. So how can he influence your goals in life? Why would he let it? Forward to success in your work!

To read about other common human fears and how to deal with them, see Mandy Holgate's book Conquer Your Fear. How to get rid of negative attitudes and achieve success."