How to deal with parents getting old

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Fear of the inevitable is hard to overcome, but you can live with it.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Why are we suddenly hurt by what was already known

We perfectly understand that life is finite. Any person is born, matures, grows old, dies. And this is a favorable scenario because in some cases the life cycle can be shorter due to disease and accidents. But this is abstract knowledge. You are still young, nothing portends trouble.

Then one day you come to your parents and notice: they have wrinkles on their face. The health card is thicker and the first aid kit is larger. They slow down to do things they normally do. They ask for your help not in order to feel that the whole family is together, but because they really need it. And they no longer keep up with your step.

And you still remember how just yesterday you were a baby and quickly moved your legs in order to keep up with mom and dad. How young, beautiful and strong they are - if only they could grow up like that. You have your whole life ahead of you with them. But suddenly you realize that you have already grown up, and there is not so much life ahead - at least the part of it that you will spend together. And you get caught up in complex feelings.

These emotions are extremely negative. Unfortunately, they are and will be. It is not for nothing that they say that the loss of a loved one is in the first place in terms of the degree of traumatization (in the second place is a break in relations). Our psyche is very afraid to face these traumatic emotions.

Dmitry Sobolev family and personal psychologist

What we experience when we realize that our parents are aging

The human psyche is complex and different people react differently. But if you evaluate the response on average, these are most likely the following feelings.

Fear of loss

This is an obvious emotion. You understand that one day parents may not be. You don't just know as a biological fact, but you are deeply aware, and it hurts.

When we talk about loved ones, this fear is inevitable. And it lies in the loss of stability. If parents are associated with help and support (this does not always happen, but still), the person will be afraid of losing it. And he will also begin to worry about what his interaction with this world will be like without the specific people to whom he is accustomed.

Dmitry Sobolev

Fear of death

Parental aging reminds us that we are not eternal. Of course, we all know this, but we do not fully realize it. As in Brodsky: "Death is what happens to others." When real understanding comes, we begin to worry not only for loved ones, but also for ourselves.

Fear of your own extinction

People in years can live a busy life, be active and vigorous. But this does not negate some age factors.

The aging of parents directly shows us that we are not getting younger either. It becomes scary that we, too, may soon find it difficult to go hiking, knees will start to bother us, we will prefer a warm evening at home to other activities. And that we may not have enough strength for something.

Yulia Panfilova psychologist from the service Profi.ru

Fear of losing control

Anxiety can manifest itself in different ways. This is both anxiety due to the fact that you cannot control everything, and the fear that something will happen, and you will not be able to help. For example, you cannot be with your parent every minute. And if you can, then you will not be able to protect it from everything, if the intervention of specialists is needed. It's easy to understand with the head, but the fear doesn't go away.

How to accept that parents are getting old

You should not take these tips as instructions that are guaranteed to relieve you of your worries. Most likely, it will still be scary and painful from time to time. You may even have to consult a psychologist. But we will outline some starting points that will help rationalize fears and ease the condition.

Separate in a timely manner

The realization that parents are not eternal hurts in any case. But if you have not separated from them, the fear will be much stronger, because you have not learned to live an independent life. And it will continue even after the death of loved ones, so you should get used to doing without them.

To make it easier to get through this moment, full of conflicting thoughts and emotions, it is enough to understand how firmly we ourselves are on our feet, how exactly we can help. Prepare yourself gradually. To think that our parents have invested in us as much as they could and now we take care of them. Thank them for giving us life. Do not hesitate to talk about your love more often.

Evgeniya Lyutova clinical psychologist

Communicate more with parents

The time spent together becomes a special value. If you can communicate more, improve relationships, be together more often, do it. That way you at least have no reason to torment yourself for not putting in the effort.

Do not put off talking with your parents until tomorrow, do what you like together. It can be anything, as long as it gives pleasure and joy to everyone.

Yulia Panfilova

Help parents improve their lives

Psychologist Dmitry Sobolev notes that people often scatter a lot of inner strength to state the inevitable. They gnaw themselves out from the inside with negative emotions that do not help in any way, but they greatly worsen the quality of life of both themselves and their parents.

To give a figurative example, it looks like this: the child wants an apple, but the apple is in the kitchen. The child cries and states that he does not have an apple, instead of going to the kitchen and taking this apple.

Dmitry Sobolev

It is better to direct efforts to make the life of parents easier and longer, to preserve their physical and mental health, and to give positive emotions. To do this, you can help to pass medical examinations on time and look for ways to maintain a social life.

At the same time, it is important not to forget that parents are not your wards or subordinates. They are adults who make their own decisions. Your voice is advisory.

Accept that you can't control everything

The task is difficult, especially if you are used to controlling everything. But you need to allow yourself to sometimes let go of the situation. It will come in handy in many areas of life.

We are not omnipotent. At some point, we notice that our actions are not very helpful. Then it becomes very sad. Therefore, while it is possible to help, it is worth doing it. And then just be there.

Yulia Panfilova

Planning your own old age

To overcome the fear of extinction, one must face it face to face. The longer you pretend that it will never affect you, the more painful it will be to face reality.

It is not at all necessary to choose a life position at the very end. You might think about this before. For example, at 30 to plan what you want to do at 60. There are as many as 30 years to do something in this direction. Stop and periodically conduct an internal dialogue with yourself. Allow yourself to do what you really want to do. Live in accordance with your personal values, look for yourself.

Evgeniya Lyutova

Postman Pechkin in the cartoon "Three from Prostokvashino" said: "I may just start living!" I'm going to retire. " Old age is not a tragedy, but only a stage in life. So it is worth treating her.