Why parents hurt us and how to deal with it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

The closest people can poison our lives.

Who are toxic parents?

There are no perfect parents. Everyone makes mistakes and can hurt. It is impossible to always be emotionally close with children. Parents can sometimes yell at the child or hit him. But do rare mistakes and breakdowns make parents cruel? Mostly not.

Most children can tolerate their parents' temper tantrums if they also receive a lot of love and understanding.

But toxic parents harm children all the time, their negative behaviors are unchanged, and they become a source of constant detrimental impact on the lives of children. The emotional pain caused by such parents pervades the entire being of children and traumatizes even when they grow up.

There are exceptions to "consistency" and "continuity". Sexual or violent physical abuse alone is enough to cause irreparable emotional harm to the child. Toxic Parents Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents, roughly divides into four types:

• controlling;
• verbal (which hurt with words);
• using physical force;
• incestuous who rape children.

Why are toxic parents dangerous?

Children often think they've done something bad because they made their parents so angry. Children believe that they are to blame and deserve punishment. They don't know that parents can behave differently. Growing up, children continue to carry the burden of guilt, often they have a distorted perception of themselves and low self-esteem.

Many grown children continue to be influenced by their parents, even if they have died long ago.

Unpredictable parents can be compared to formidable gods. They do not demonstrate understanding, tend to perceive children's insubordination and the manifestation of individuality as a personal attack and attack on themselves. Therefore, they subconsciously try to slow down the development of the child, imagining that they are doing it with the best intentions. They may think that they are "tempering the character" of the child, but in fact they only destroy his self-esteem.

Toxic parents are very dissatisfied with their lives and are afraid of being abandoned. For them, an independent child is like being left without an arm or a leg. Therefore, they consider it their task to preserve leverage over the child and leave him addicted. Children, in turn, find it difficult to see themselves separated from their parents, and they lose their identity.

Why do children depend on toxic parents?

By destroying a child's self-esteem, parents increase his dependence on himself. At the same time, the child increasingly believes that the goal of his parents is protection and care. The child explains the emotional and physical harm by taking responsibility for the behavior of toxic parents and tries to rationalize: dad yelled at me because his mom pissed him off; dad beat to teach a lesson and so on.

And no matter how much harm the parents do, the child has a need to deify them. Even realizing that the parents did wrong, he will seek an excuse for them, taking all the blame on himself and denying that they did anything wrong. Only by looking at the parents and their actions realistically, the grown up child will be able to balance the relationship with them, as well as increase his self-esteem and live his life.

How does a child learn what kind of life he should live?

Every child has the right to be fed, clothed, sheltered and protected. But besides the right to physical care, children have the right to emotional care: respect for their feelings and adequate treatment, the right to make mistakes and normal discipline without distortions. A child has the right to be a child with responsibilities within his or her age.

Children absorb verbal and non-verbal signals, listen to what their parents say, what they are doing, and imitate behavior. Role models in the parental family are decisive in the development of the child's identity.

When the father or mother encourages the child to take on the responsibilities of a parent, the functions in the family become vague and deformed. A child forced to play the role of one of the parents does not have a role model from which he can learn. Such a grown-up child is tormented by a constant sense of guilt and hyperresponsibility, typical of those adults who, as a child, were forced to switch emotional roles with their parents.

Often, children who take care of troubled parents become codependent. They constantly need someone to "free" from various problems, they find partners who sit on their neck, but they do not notice this, considering it their duty to "save" others.

Many children are mortally wounded by their parents' divorce, they believe that it was they who did something wrong, since they were abandoned and no longer loved. The child convinces himself that he is not worthy of love, and subsequently he has problems with building relationships.

How can parents control and tie their children to themselves?

For many parents, money is their favorite weapon. Without the slightest logic, parents sometimes encourage and sometimes punish with money to show love and dislike. Children become confused and dependent on parental approval, and these contradictions carry over into adulthood.

Parents continue to use financial advantage to appear indispensable in the eyes of their children and to control them.

They can help with work, housing, but then interfere in business and demand reports, treat grown children as worthless and incapable of anything.

Manipulative parents are adept at hiding their motives by highlighting caring. The most common example of a manipulator is helpful. The parent, under the pretext of helping in something, completely begins to control life. For example, a mother can come to help put things in order in the apartment and rearrange everything in her own way, to control all the little things. If such a mother is told that she is overstepping the boundaries, she will begin to cry and ask what is wrong with her help.

The child begins to feel guilty, because the parent is so caring and wants to help. And it turns out that in order to defend their rights, the child must "hurt" the parent. Most give in, and the parent feels it and takes over the child's life more and more.

Many children begin to rebel against their parents to such an extent that they cannot consider their desires, the need for rebellion begins to exceed the ability to free choice. For example, a mother really wants her son or daughter to marry / get married successfully. The child, in spite of the mother, does not bind himself by marriage at all, although he would like and could be happy.

How do parents manipulate if there are several children in the family?

Toxic parents love to compare siblings to each other so that children at a disadvantage feel that they are not doing enough to win their parents' love. Children, in order to regain their lost disposition, fulfill any whim of their parents.

Many parents instigate sibling rivalry to such an extent that it turns into a violent war that can persist for years to come.

How else can toxic parents control their children?

In a family with alcoholic parents, children develop hyperresponsibility, self-doubt, suppressed anger and the need to “save” this parent. In such a family, everyone often pretends that everything is fine and there are no problems.

The child, forced to keep a big secret and be constantly on the alert so as not to betray the family, begins to doubt his own perception and feelings.

He grows up secretive and is afraid to express his own opinion, because he will think that people will not believe him. Fearing to reveal a secret, the child prefers not to make friends, isolates himself. This loneliness develops a deformed sense of loyalty to those who know the secret - the family. As the years pass, blind devotion will continue to poison the lives of such children. Mothers and fathers tell them that they drink because their children have done something wrong, that they are to blame for their parents' alcoholism. And children suppress their emotions and avoid conflicts in every possible way, at the same time they are ready to do anything to atone for their guilt.

A happy ending is very rare in alcoholic families. There is a high probability that a child who grew up in such a family, or himself later becomes addicted to drinking with his parents, or will connect life with an alcoholic in order to try to “save” a loved one further. Therefore, Susan Forward advises to be sure to enroll in Alcoholics Anonymous or similar communities.

Why are verbal toxic parents dangerous?

Insults, humiliation, criticism can have no less destructive effect in the future than beatings. After the beatings, traces remain, and someone may notice them. And after the cruel words, no trace remains, and no one will guess to help.

Verbal toxic parents are of two types:

• those who openly insult and humiliate,
• those who hide insults and humiliation under jokes, sarcasm. If a child begins to complain, they may be accused of a lack of sense of humor.

Some parents cannot bear that children grow up and become independent, they see a threat in children as in competitors. In order to continue to feel their superiority, such parents in every possible way devalue the achievements of their children and undermine their self-esteem.

Other parents do not respond adequately to puberty in their children. Some fathers begin to provoke conflicts with their daughters in order to distract from sexual attraction. They laugh at their appearance or call them perverts for any friendship with boys. Subsequently, these girls become very insecure and ashamed of themselves.

Another type of verbal toxic parent is the perfectionist. They shift the responsibility for family stability to children. If the child does not cope with something, then he becomes the scapegoat. Children are not miniature adults, it is difficult for them to carry such a burden, they become insecure, afraid to do anything at all, so as not to make a mistake.

The most cruel verbal parents hurt their children with words, they can say: "You wish you weren't born." Subsequently, such children often choose risky jobs, where they can die, as if fulfilling their parents' order not to live.

Why do parents beat their children?

Some people believe that physical abuse is when a child has marks on the body, just spanking is not considered abuse. The author, however, believes that physical violence is any behavior of an adult that inflicts tangible physical pain on the child, regardless of whether there are marks on the body or not.

Most of the parents who hit their children do not control their impulses and attack the children in order to defuse their own tension. For them, beating is an automatic response to stress.

Those who were beaten in childhood are also beaten, they transfer the learned role model to their children. Some parents believe that corporal punishment is the only way to get a child to "learn a lesson" about morality or good behavior. And many of these "lessons" are taught in the name of religion.

Some children, growing up, do not want to be what their parents were, and raise their children in permissiveness, applying minimal disciplinary measures to their children. Permissiveness is also harmful because children need clear boundaries and a sense of confidence.

Why do parents do this, why do they cripple the lives of their children?

Almost every toxic parent had a toxic parent. Once done, harm spreads to many generations. Our beliefs are formed in childhood and passed down from generation to generation. We blindly obey the rules of the family because disobedience means betrayal.

But blind obedience to destructive rules destroys lives. Only we can change the course of history and raise our children non-toxic and emotionally healthy.

How to change yourself and defend your life?

Susan Forward offers behavioral techniques and strategies, but notes that they are not intended to replace working with a therapist and support group. You need to use everything in an integrated manner.

If a person has alcohol or drug addiction, it is necessary to first cope with it, and then start working on the behavior. But it must take at least six months from the moment of abstinence, otherwise there is a risk of breakdown due to the emotions and memories that therapy will cause.

Unlike other psychotherapists, Susan believes that the first thing to do is to forgive her parents. This will not immediately make you feel better, because it will remove responsibility from the one who harmed you. The parent must take responsibility, acknowledge it, and ask for forgiveness. And how can you admit that you are offended by your parents if you have forgiven them? You cannot release emotions.

However, there is another side to forgiveness - not to take revenge. Revenge is bad motivation and should be avoided.

Where to begin?

You need to find a balance between caring for yourself and caring for the feelings of others. First of all, you must think how good it will be for you, you must become somewhat selfish. You don't need to give a damn about the feelings of others, you can give in, but this should be your balanced free choice, and not obeying orders.

The next step is to learn not to automatically respond to someone's words or actions. Thoughtful responses maintain self-esteem and do not drag insecurity into the abyss. You will be able to see more new opportunities and regain a sense of power over your own life.

If you want to get rid of parental controls, stop protecting yourself.

Stop trying to explain and make you understand. Trying to get approval will always keep you in control. By stopping defending yourself, you will extinguish the conflict, and you will not be able to be cornered. Answer this way: “I am sorry that you disagree, I will remain unconvinced. Why not talk later when you have calmed down? State your position: what is important to you, what you are ready and not ready to go for, what compromises are possible.

Is this book worth reading?

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents is tough but very rewarding. Not everyone has a carefree childhood, but you shouldn't get stuck in it forever. The author tells in detail what to do and how to move on. The book will be useful not only for those who have problems with their parents, but also for all parents for prevention: how not to behave.