How to communicate with your partner's parents so as not to turn the family into a battlefield

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Even in a difficult situation, a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.

I'm going to get to know my partner's parents. How to behave?

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Getting to know your parents is a crucial step, which speaks of the seriousness of the relationship. Therefore, I want to make a good impression and not disappoint expectations. But how to do that? Should you be yourself or be a little cheeky to arouse sympathy? For example, covering up a tattoo in a conspicuous place or not showing any character traits.

Sooner or later, the truth will come out, so you should not adjust to the expectations of your parents. At the same time, while remaining yourself, it is important not to insist on the correctness of all your traits and qualities.

If your partner's parents don't like something about you, shrug your shoulders and do not make empty promises that "be sure to fix it." You know this won't happen. So tune the other side to the fact that you have to put up with this drawback.

Svetlana Lucca psychologist

What if they start asking tricky questions?

At the first meeting, the parents started talking about how they dream of grandchildren, but you are not planning children in the foreseeable future. What is the best way to respond to this? Psychologist Polina Mulyarova advises in such situations to dose information about yourself and your intentions. There is no need to cheat, just communicate on abstract topics, take an interest in the life of your interlocutors. This will help you get a feel for what is appropriate to say and what is not.

You are not required to immediately reveal all the cards and declare that you do not want children or plan to leave for another city. It is enough to confine ourselves to the duty officers "It's too early to speak" and "We are still thinking." After some time, you will get to know your parents better and will be able to present your opinion so that they understand it. And at first, it's worth talking more about your soul mate than about yourself.

Everyone experiences stress at new contact, especially when it comes to such important moments as the fate of children. The whole interest of the parents is aimed at making their child happy, that's all. They do not want anything bad to you personally. And if you do not meet the expectations of your parents, then this is not about you, this is about them.

Polina Mulyarova psychologist

Trust your feelings. If the conversation is easy, you are probably on the same page. But do not rush to close the distance too much. First impressions are often deceiving. Still, the parents of your partner are strangers to you, who are not easy to understand right away. Sometimes it can take several years.

Everything was not limited to questions, and parents interfere in our relationship. What to do?

You and your partner moved in or even got married. But you are not allowed to live in peace. Parents come to visit without warning, rearrange things in your closets and impose their opinions on every occasion. It's easier with your mom and dad in such a situation: they can be clear about everything (although not everyone succeeds, but this is a separate issue). With the parents of the partner, you want to maintain a certain chain of command.

If you do not want unnecessary participants in the relationship between you and your partner, then delineate the boundaries rather rigidly. Not in the sense of rude and rude, but in the sense of "Thank you, we'll figure it out ourselves." And the sooner you do it, the better. No one but you and your partner will build love. This case is intimate and does not require witnesses.

Svetlana Lucca

To understand where to set the border, Polina Mulyarova advises to conduct a thought experiment. Imagine a car with a family. Suppose dad is driving, mom is next to it, and a child is in the back in a child seat. At some point, he grows up and gets into his car, and puts his soul mate in the next chair.

Parents have their own car and their own road, you have your own. Your couple makes their own decisions, since you have your own map, direction and path, one car for two. Parents now have their own story, they are responsible only for themselves.

But often, parents do not want to let their children go. They are most likely distrustful of their son or daughter and think that he or she is incapable of managing their lives. They do not automatically trust the partner either.

In such a situation, you need to gradually defend the boundaries, entering the position of the parents. The main message they broadcast is “You can't do it, kids! We will help. And your task is to answer softly but persistently over and over again that you can do everything yourself.

Psychologist Anastasia Sukhanova also recommends that you clearly define which cases your relatives can interfere in and which they cannot. For example, the menu for the New Year's table can be discussed by everyone together, and whether to give birth to a child is up to you and your partner to decide.

Create your own rules and follow them. Your family should be put in the forefront, and relatives - in their place, but politely.

Anastasia Sukhanova psychologist

Conflict seems to be brewing. How not to ruin the relationship?

In an ideal world, everyone acts with care and respect for their interlocutors. In reality, collisions are sometimes inevitable, and further relationships depend on how they proceed. If the conflict flares up so strong that it leaves no stone unturned, it will be more difficult to establish normal communication later.

If it comes to a conflict, do everything possible so as not to get personal, not to slip into insults and scores. Indicate your position, express your attitude to the situation and leave immediately. Give everyone time to reflect. Tomorrow the tone of the conversation will change and compromise will be easier to find.

Svetlana Lucca

Polina Mulyarova advises turning to the desires of a person if you want to reach him. For example, a typical situation: a couple lives with the boy's parents. His mother tells the girl that she does not cook borscht that way, and demands to cook only according to her recipe. A conflict begins.

Here it is worth asking your mother: "Why is it so important for you that I cook strictly according to your recipe?" She may answer: "I am the mistress here and I know better how and what to do." If a girl thinks about why it is important for her to cook in her own way, she will understand that she also wants to feel like a hostess in the kitchen. So, it's not about borscht as such. Quarrels arise due to the fact that two housewives collide in the kitchen, and the conflict must be resolved on the basis of this.

Here you can come up with an infinite number of solutions: offer the guy to leave his family, not cook at all, cook every day, divide the kitchen zones, and so on. But all this can be done only after you understand what you and your opponent really want.

Polina Mulyarova

Polina Mulyarova notes that the separation of parents and their adult children has a beneficial effect on relationships. And if everyone lives together, the situation can escalate: “It's about the same as if you put eight people in a four-seater car. They will be cramped, uncomfortable, they will swear and push. The same happens if you are a couple and at the same time live with your parents."

Should you tell your partner about quarrels with his parents?

Psychologists agree that your soul mate should be in the know. Another question is how to present it.

If you are offended, angry, or worried about a conflict with your parents, share with your partner without reproach or blame. Discuss how you can prevent this from happening in the future. This is much better than suffering for a long time alone with your thoughts. Of course, in a conversation with a husband or wife, you should speak respectfully of your family. Be considerate and considerate.

Anastasia Sukhanova

Of course, it happens that a partner is subject to pressure from mom and dad, does their business more than yours, allows them to speak badly about you and is not ready to defend the boundaries of his family. This suggests that he did not separate from his parents. In this situation, you are unlikely to help him - here you need the participation of a psychologist and the desire of your half.

My strength is gone. Let him choose: either parents or me

Forcing them to choose between themselves and their parents is manipulation. Such ultimatums do not lead to good even in less significant issues. For obvious reasons, a person will not be able to choose, which will lead to conflicts between you and him.

Better to just find your place in the heart of your partner, and leave the parents' place. And not only in the heart, but also in real life. You can keep meetings with his / her parents to a minimum if there is no communication at all. But don't let your spouse meet with them.

Svetlana Lucca

You and your partner's parents don't have to adore each other and spend a lot of time together. You can hardly even see each other if you don’t want to - this is normal. But make an effort to at least be neutral. In the end, these people raised and educated a wonderful person - your soul mate. And for that alone, they deserve to try to mend the relationship.