What to do if you fell in love with your best friend

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Consider yourself lucky. If, of course, the feelings are mutual.

This article is part of the "" project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Why do we fall in love with friends

A best friend who is physically attractive to you can be the perfect partner. There is already something between you that makes the relationship truly strong: common interests, emotional closeness, the desire to spend time together, talk, support each other.

Researchers at Monmouth University concluded that if the foundation of a romantic relationship is friendship, then it will be much longer, deeper and stronger than if the partners are not friends. The level of happiness and sexual satisfaction in such a union is also much higher.

More than 80% of people interviewed for the study admitted that their partners are also their best friends. Even 20 years ago, this figure was much lower. Scientists believe that this is due to how the approach to relationships and finding a partner has changed. People are less and less willing to be with someone in order to gain social approval, to find themselves a “stone wall” or a “free dishwasher”, and more and more often seek equal partnerships based on common interests, goals and responsibilities.

Lera translated the relationship into a new channel and did not regret it.

I have been married to my best friend for six years. We met at the institute. At first we just talked in the same company, then we realized that we have many common interests: science fiction, comics, science-pop literature, cinema. Such two geeks. And they began to communicate already one-on-one. The first year and a half were really just friends, without anyone there. Then it became clear that it was something more. And somehow we realized this at the same time. But he was the first to decide to confess and was extremely happy when I said that he was not just a friend to me either.

After college we got married and have been together for a total of eight years. I can say that marrying a friend is the best solution. We always have something to talk about, and relationships are built precisely on common interests, on support and affection, and not on sex or some kind of traditions and rules.

What's wrong with falling in love with a friend

In a barrel of honey there is one big fly in the ointment: falling in love can be non-reciprocal. It is possible that the friend has no romantic plans for you, wants you to remain just friends, or even has an interest in someone else.

In this case, friendship can turn into torment for both, and then end altogether. One of you will be unbearable to be near the object of your love and know that he does not experience the same feelings. And the other will also be embarrassed, because he involuntarily keeps a loved one in the friend zone.

Natalya Fell in love with a friend and was disappointed.

My story with friendship ended badly. I talked to one guy in my senior year. At first he did not attract me as a man at all, but it was wildly interesting to talk to him. We spent a lot of time together, well, and somehow it gradually became clear that on my part there was not quite a friendship.

Of course, for some time I was in denial, I didn't even want to admit these feelings to myself. And then I thought: “I was not! Well what am I losing! It seemed to me that even if a friend does not feel anything special for me, then we will still communicate later as before. Although I hoped, of course, that everything was mutual and he was just shy, like me.

In general, I confessed. I wrote a long message in the messenger. And he put a surprised emoji in response and just left the Web. I ignored all my attempts to communicate for a couple of days. Then he tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Then he apologized and said that he did not love me and that he was interested in another girl. Communication from that moment began to fade out a little and eventually completely stopped: both me and him were very embarrassed.

How to sort out your feelings for a friend

Psychotherapist Gary Brown advises asking yourself a few questions.

1. Is it not just an attraction?

If your sexual desire flared up, everything is a little simpler: you can direct it to another nice person or wait for the passion to subside on its own. But if you experience something deeper and more serious, want to be with a person for many years and suffer when he is not around, it is quite possible that this is love, and it cannot be extinguished so easily.

2. What would you like?

How do you see the successful outcome of this situation and your future relationship? What do you expect from a friend? Maybe you are counting on a romantic relationship that will end with a wedding, children, and the purchase of a house. Or maybe you want to continue to be friends and at the same time hope for "friendly" sex. Or are you just going to just talk about your feelings in order to take the load off yourself and be as frank as possible. The direction of your conversation depends on it, if you do decide to confess.

3. How does your friend feel about you?

Is there even the slightest hint that his feelings also go beyond friendly? Flirting, like casual touches, the desire to spend more and more time together, long glances, frank conversations … Or has he been married for a long time and does not show any signs of attention for sure?

4. Can your friend be a good partner?

If you become a couple, will you be happy? A good friend is not always a good partner. Maybe he is windy and changes lovers like gloves. Or changes and does not see this as a problem. Or doesn't know how to handle money. You know this person very well, so you can analyze all his qualities and decide how comfortable you will be together.

5. How will this affect your friendship?

What happens if you confess and find out that your feelings are not mutual? Will you be able to communicate further as if nothing had happened, or will this inevitably lead to the collapse of the relationship? Yes, this cannot always be predicted, but try to simulate the situation and imagine your feelings and behavior of a friend.

What to do if love turned out to be unrequited

Julia Hill Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

Of course, an adult conscious person with a sufficiently developed self-control will say “stop” to himself, become sad and calm down. But if the attachment is strong and the relationship is meaningful to us, then we will experience the breakup as a loss. The loss of relationships, a joint future, their hopes, fantasies, some kind of self-image that exists in connection with this person.

The experience of loss has five stages: denial, anger, deal, depression, acceptance. In unrequited love, a person often gets stuck at the stage of denial. It seems to replace the true reality with an imaginary, desired one. “Magical thinking” turns on when it seems that everything is in your hands - you just have to wait, try, convince somewhere, push, take care, caress. Belief in the magic power of love appears, which erases any obstacles on its way. It is a destructive path because it is accompanied by a tremendous sense of guilt and self-helplessness.

The ability to accept defeat and a bitter reality that does not meet our expectations is one of the qualities of a mentally mature person.

Unfortunately, there is no universal recipe here. Each situation is individual, and only participants in the events can make a decision. You can end the relationship altogether or continue to communicate, but remember: love cannot be earned. Be honest with yourself and try to find the strength to get through it. And if you feel that you cannot cope, seek help from a psychologist.