Should adult children help their parents

Why this topic needs to be discussed

We have heard from childhood that parents need help. This is perceived as an axiom that does not require any comprehension. However, there are no instructions on how to help or how much.

For example, some 40-year-old children live with their mother and pay her a penny, because she "devoted her whole life to them." Others quit their jobs to care for a sick parent and put an end to their financial well-being. They could hire someone with a special education for this task. But a relative is categorical: if a child dumps the care of him on others, he is bad. Only help at the cost of your own life is suitable.

It also happens that parents in old age are cheerful, cheerful, work in good positions and receive more than children. How can we help them then? And if mom or dad doesn't want help, but the child knows better what they need? And what if children rush on the first call, but it turns out that nothing happened, while such calls are heard several times a day?

In general, there are more questions than answers. Let's try to figure it out together with psychologists.

Are children obliged to help their parents

Financially, yes. This is not a matter of ethics and morality, but a requirement of the law. In Russia, adult children are obliged to support their parents if they are disabled and in need of material assistance. That is, we mean only people with disabilities and people of pre-retirement and retirement age (from 55 years for women and from 60 - for men). They can demand child support through the courts. The meeting will decide whether the parent has enough money to meet his life needs. And if not, then the child will have to transfer a certain amount to him monthly. Which one - will also be decided by the court. It is clear that we are talking about basic needs and the amount of payments in any case will be small.

But human relations are regulated not only by laws, and help is not only material. Interaction with parents is a complex issue that should be considered from the point of view of the individual history of each family.

Anna Kislitsyna Psychotherapist Zigmund. Online.

Psychologically healthy relationships in the family are like the steps of a waterfall: from the older generation, water flows to the younger, saturating it so that it can transfer the resource further. This is a natural process; water cannot fall upward. So, frankly, the child does not owe anything to the parent - children are not born to be obliged.

Another thing is that children can help their parents. How exactly is a separate question.

How to help parents to support and not harm

Help is often perceived as speaking from a strong position: "If you need assistance, I will provide it on the terms on which I want." That is why some children can, for example, forcibly litter their parents' apartment and throw out everything that seems unnecessary to them. Or make you move and lose all social ties acquired in your usual place of residence.

That is, adult children behave towards mom and dad like bad parents. They decide how they supposedly will be better, not at all interested in their opinion. And if children have more resources, their actions can turn into violence. For example, it may be economic pressure: “I have money for this, but you do not. And if you do not want to accept help in this form, then you will not receive any”.

But the parent is still a full-fledged capable person. He has the right to live the life he wants, even if the child does not like it. And helping doesn't have to be manipulative.

Tatyana Popova Psychologist, PhD in Psychology, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychotherapy and Psychological Consulting of the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis.

Helping parents should be built through communication. Talk and ask how they see support, what exactly they would like. Remember that this is primarily about love and attention, about care. Sometimes your parents' requests are just a signal that they are yearning and want to see you. It can be difficult to admit that we miss someone, so we seek out “good” reasons.

Be careful with your help. The circle of life is inexorable: first, children need care, and then parents. This test is very difficult to pass, and for all participants. We are afraid of old age and the weakness of our parents. We are accustomed to the fact that they can always help and protect, but here we ourselves have to take responsibility for them. For parents, the issue of accepting their own weakness is also difficult. It is very difficult to realize that you are becoming dependent on a child.

According to psychologist Dmitry Sobolev, if healthy relationships are built between children and parents, there should be no problems. Parents let their children go, but at the same time they understand their role, their importance without constant confirmation. They realize that the child has his own life and this is wonderful. They understand that they can turn to him for help, and they do it. But at the same time, the parents still have the desire to live their own lives. As a rule, such people work, interact with society, and have their own social circle. They are active, they have a lot of things to do.

Dmitry Sobolev Family and personal psychologist.

If the child actively participates in the life of the parents, imposes help, they may get the impression that they are worthless, incapacitated. This may offend them. Therefore, it is necessary to help upon request.

If your parents don't like to ask, it is worth explaining to them that they can turn to you for support. It is enough to do this once, and then observe in manual control mode. When children feel that the mother or father needs help, they can take the initiative and offer. And then the parents will decide whether to accept it or not.

It is important not to go too far, to give relatives autonomy, to maintain their legal capacity. Throwing support, children begin to instill in them premature helplessness. And neither the children themselves nor their parents need this. As a person feels, so he lives.

In a healthy model of interaction, parents can be helped by showing them that they themselves are important and meaningful to their children. You can ask them for advice, involve families in various processes, affairs. Children will help with this more than a box of groceries.

But it's about a healthy relationship. In them, the child makes an effort to make the life of the parents easier, because it is pleasant for him. For him, this is another opportunity to spend time with his cool mom and dad and get positive emotions from the fact that he was useful. And parents, in turn, are happy to accept all possible help and attention, but do not make a tragedy if the children do not rush at the first call or solve the problem not personally, but with the involvement of specialists. But there are also completely different patterns of relationships.

How to help if your parents are being manipulated

A healthy relationship presupposes that a child is born because they want to have children. Parents have resources, and they are ready to spend them practically free of charge on a person who, sooner or later, will live his own life. They are more spectators in this theater than puppeteers.

But sometimes it is different. First, parents “kill a child all their lives,” and then expect the same from him.

Dmitry Sobolev

Parents spent many years trying to raise a child. But adult children do not need permanent care, they go through life the way they want, stop listening to mom and dad. And the parents have formed certain behavioral patterns, habits, a desire to participate in the fate of their children.

Some humble themselves, realizing that they gave birth and raised children so that they live their own lives, and not be a "toy" for them. They easily release the child into free swimming and accept that they already participate in each other's life to a lesser extent than before.

Another category of parents cannot accept the growing up of their children. Such moms and dads try to increase their own importance in the child's life. Persistently tell him what to do. And when he does not use the recommendations, they are offended, blamed, shamed and manipulated.

But parents can go from the other side: to demonstrate their helplessness, ask for help over trifles. Someone demands help directly - more and more; someone creates situations for children to pay attention. This is how parents try to involve the child in their life and maintain their social significance.

Some seek to keep their children on a short leash at all costs. Legs grow from here, for example, in stories of heart attacks every time the son is going on a date. After all, if he arranges his personal life, then his mother will cease to be the main woman for him.

It also happens that a parent is fully capable, can take care of himself and provide himself financially. But he doesn't want to do anything - why, if the child is obliged?

Anna Kislitsyna

This is the role of the victim: I will sit and suffer until guilt or shame eats you up and you come to save me. This relationship is toxic, and the adult parent chooses the role of the child based on his or her traumatization. He tries to compensate for his departed parents, does not know any other way of influencing, except for manipulation, does not want to adapt to new living conditions.

Of course, this does not mean that such parents should not be helped. Especially if they really need care. But, according to Dmitry Sobolev, in this case, it is important for children to look both ways. Only frameworks and boundaries will work here, built through reasonable, objective help and support.

Dmitry Sobolev

You need to ask yourself the question: "Is my intervention really necessary now?" The relationship model is unhealthy, there are distortions and breakdowns. There is a great risk that the child will turn into a servant. And at the same time, the parents will feel absolutely good. They will be unaware that the situation is going wrong. But if we follow the lead of our parents, we make it worse for ourselves and for them. We deprive them of their autonomy and by our actions we will accelerate the process of their aging.

Do I need to help if there are no resources

Help is perceived by many as a sacrificial act. For example, people are seriously offended by friends who refuse to take their grand piano up to the fifth floor on their only day off. And parents can easily perceive it as a betrayal if the child does not spend every free day with them or buys something, from their point of view, unnecessary - it would be better to give them money.

Anna Kislitsyna

Aid should not be sacrificial, but out of a surplus. It is enough to respect the parent and help exactly to the extent that you can, without harming your adult life. This is a well-built and healthy relationship. They undermine the accepted, but highly toxic, tenets of parenting. Not every mother and father will agree to this. This is often accompanied by pain, anger, and guilt in the child. Guilt and anger are signs of a natural process of separation, psychological separation from parents, and withdrawal into adulthood.

Help out of a sense of duty is unpleasant to both provide and accept. Instead of rallying and pleasing, it will leave a bitter residue on at least one of the parties. But you can help from completely different motives: because you want and can, because there is strength, time and other resources to share. It's not always easy, but it's definitely worth making everyone better.