What to do if you don't want to participate in social life at work

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Everyone has every right to say no, but sometimes it’s better to be less direct.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Corporate events, meetings, birthdays, trips on excursions, get-togethers on Fridays after work, competitions within the company, sports games - in some organizations, the "additional program" for employees is quite intense. But not everyone likes it.

For example, a third of the participants in a survey devoted to New Year's corporate parties did not want to go to a festive event. And three-quarters of those surveyed in another study would gladly exchange it for a prize.

We are figuring out whether it is possible to evade all these teambuilding holidays and how to do it.

When is it okay to refuse

All kinds of corporate parties, as a rule, take place outside of working hours, and this is not entertainment for everyone. Colleagues are often not best friends, it is not very easy to relax and be yourself in their environment, unless you have a super cute, liberal and creative team. This means that such events are closer in atmosphere to business meetings than to leisure. In addition, a person may simply have other plans and good reasons not to go anywhere.

And since trips to corporate parties are not included in work duties and are not spelled out in the employment contract, formally anyone has the right to refuse.

But it is important to remember that if in some companies this is treated absolutely calmly, in others the relationship can become tense and it is not clear how this will ultimately affect the work. Moreover, there are situations in which rejection is almost impossible for a number of reasons.

When you can't refuse

This is part of the job

Some companies throw small "parties" right during the working day. It can be birthdays or something like that, and organizing such events is part of the job responsibilities of some of the employees, and therefore making sure that everything goes well is also part of it.

Of course, even in such circumstances, there is still an opportunity to sit out in his office. And once or twice it may be perceived normally. But if you practice this on a regular basis, the team may be offended.

It is the duty of the leader

The leader must understand his team well, be on the same wavelength with it, share its moods and values. A leader who keeps apart never has to eat a slice of pizza after work, does not go to corporate parties, does not participate in contests, charity trips or friendly matches with other departments and companies, it will be difficult to establish contact with subordinates, and will be less trusted.

So the current or future leader will still have to participate in "extracurricular" activities, even though I don't want to. Well, or at least try to do it.

Ekaterina Lelyukh Psychologist, HR manager of the Advanza event agency.

It is most difficult for top managers and department heads to refuse to participate in corporate events. Since they can serve as an example for their employees, company leaders usually ask them to be present at all holidays. The logic is as follows: "The head of the department will not come - no one from the department will come."

This is an element of corporate culture

And all employees agreed to this from the very beginning. For example, at the interview they said: “Pyotr Ivanovich, we have a tradition in our company: once a month we go on a hike or excursion together. And we are waiting for all our employees to join us. How are you with that? " And Pyotr Ivanovich really wanted to get a job and answered: "Yes, of course, I love hiking!"

Formally, of course, he has the right not to go anywhere - it is unlikely that trips and excursions are spelled out in the employment contract. But it will not be fair, and everyone will have a residue.

What to do if you don't want to participate at all

Assess the consequences

It just so happened that a person is a social being, and connections with other people are best established in an informal setting: over a glass of something strong, in a smoking room, on the dance floor, during a football match or a joint visit to the Kazan Kremlin. It can be difficult for many to accept, but alas, this is exactly the case.

Therefore, if a person systematically abandons all these interactions, the attitude towards him will almost inevitably remain rather cool. And he runs the risk of being outside the common bubble in which the rest of his colleagues are. He will not know local jokes and memes, and funny travel stories will not be told about him. Perhaps they will not meet him halfway, for example, they will not change shifts or move the vacation dates when it is needed.

When it comes to moving up the career ladder, such an unsociable employee may prefer someone of their own, more sociable. And even if he, as a specialist, does not withstand any competition.

Ekaterina Lelyukh

The response to rejection depends largely on the corporate culture, which in turn depends on the leadership. In a family-friendly corporate culture, which is accepted in small companies of up to 50 people, all employees know each other personally and communicate outside of work.

In such a team, the absence of even one person will be noticeable and can be regarded as a rejection of the corporate culture. In such cases, management may harbor resentment against the employee, and in the future this will affect communication with him. If there are a lot of "truants", then the management may refuse to hold events altogether - why try if no one appreciates it.

In a corporate culture like a military organization, attendance at an event is the responsibility of every employee, whether he wants it or not. A pass in such companies would be like getting fired or getting a reprimand.

If a person is ready for any consequences and nothing bothers him, you can safely ignore any non-working activities. Otherwise, you have to be more flexible.

Try to influence the reason for your reluctance

Psychologist and HR-manager Yekaterina Lelyukh thinks that for a start it is worth asking yourself the question: “Why don't you want to go anywhere with your colleagues?”.

There are several main reasons for this reluctance:

• A person does not like to be among people and does not strive for communication at all. Then the corporate party can be regarded as an opportunity to practice a little communication skills and establish useful connections.
• A person, in principle, does not like his company and colleagues. Perhaps this is a reason to think about whether to look for a new job, or to understand the reasons why the current one is boring.
• The person does not like the format of the event and the type of activity. For example, it is unpleasant to be surrounded by drinking people. You can try to solve this problem through an HR specialist or an employee in charge of the organization. The company spends resources and is interested in making everyone happy. Therefore, it is important to give feedback and speak up if something does not suit you. It is not a fact that the entire program will be changed, but some part of it may well be corrected.

Ekaterina Lelyukh

If you still need to correctly cancel the event, I advise you to use the Feedback Arrow. It has four steps, and a rejection might look like this:

• Step 1 - Observation: "The last time I was at a corporate party, the guys drank a lot of alcohol."
• Step 2 - Expressing Feelings: “I hate to participate in activities where there is a lot of drinking. This is not in line with my values."
• Step 3 - recognizing common needs. It is important to make a request here: "I understand that the company would like me to be with you, so let's consider the option when there will be little alcohol." Or, "Don't invite me to events where there is a lot of booze."
• Step 4 - Thanks: "Thank you for listening."

Say a firm no

If no compromises are acceptable, you will have to say directly that at a corporate party or on a trip to the estates of Russian writers at least one employee will be missing. It is a question of upholding personal boundaries and the ability to say no.

Psychologist Oksana Konovalova notes that this skill is psychologically one of the most difficult. Strange as it may seem, it's easier to refuse to close, dear and beloved people - they will forgive and understand everything. For many people it is more difficult to refuse management and colleagues, as it can entail socially significant negative consequences.

If this skill is not developed, you will have to gradually train it. However, it is important to remember a few points:

• Anyone has the right to say yes or no. He has such a right, even if he himself does not allow himself to use it.
• Other people have the right to offer something. They may even expect the person to agree or to respond happily. However, their expectations are their expectations, no one is obliged to meet them.
• Too intrusive invitations to participate in corporate events can be accompanied by manipulation. Everyone has the right to resist manipulators.
• Sometimes the only good reason not to do something is a simple “don't want to”.
• When a person refuses, psychologically, he demonstrates respect for his interlocutor: he believes that he will be able to survive the refusal and respond adequately. To deny someone, in principle, means to communicate from the “adult - adult” position.
• Demonstration of respect also lies in accepting the emotional reaction of the other: yes, he can be offended at the refusal and has the right to be offended, these are his feelings, and they should be respected. There is no point in protecting and “saving” him from such a turn of events.

Oksana Konovalova Candidate of Philosophy, practicing psychologist.

To prepare for rejection, you can do a simple mental attitude technique. Imagine how you will feel if you go to the hated corporate party. And then try to imagine your mood, feelings, emotions, physical condition, if you do not go to a corporate party. What do you like best? Which of these options do you want to end up with?

It is believed that lying is a means of social survival. If it is difficult to refuse a corporate party outright, social lies can become a real lifesaver. True, it also requires environmental friendliness: it is not recommended to refer to accidents, troubles, imaginary diseases and poor health - your own or your loved ones.

Aerobatics - when you refuse directly, confidently and kindly. This style of communication is not available to everyone. In any case, you should not accompany your refusal with explanations and apologies. Both put the person in a psychologically weak, losing position.

If you are not ready for social lies or, on the contrary, for outright straightforwardness, it is better to formulate the refusal as a statement of fact. But the formulas of speech etiquette will be quite appropriate. For example, the phrase “Unfortunately, I have to refuse. For personal reasons, I will not be able to attend the corporate party. Personal circumstances are personal because they cannot be discussed in detail.

The fear that after a refusal a relationship will deteriorate is often unfounded. However, if he justifies himself, it is important to understand that the other side is also “scared”. This is possible in the case when your refusal was perceived as something personal or was regarded as an attack on corporate values. Be that as it may, it is important to remain open and kind in communication with management and colleagues. People always respond to us in response. If your refusal has become a reason to be wary, then benevolence will show others that in communication with you you can not defend yourself, that you are safe.

Skip some events

If the company throws one big holiday a year, everyone will notice the absence of one of the employees and make a mental note of his "bad" behavior. If meetings, gatherings and trips take place almost every week, it is quite acceptable to go, say, to every third event. It will not be very difficult, but it will create the feeling that no one is fighting off the team.

Leave early

Come to a corporate party or a meeting, spend an hour, chat with colleagues, and then take leave, referring to other matters, fatigue or the same family circumstances. It will turn out not to spend a lot of time and effort, and at the same time observe the unspoken rules of decency.