How popular recipes for family happiness destroy relationships

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-13 00:26

Manipulation, conflict silence and reproductive violence must be a thing of the past.

This article is part of the Auto-da-fe project. In it, we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you've come across a similar experience, share your stories in the comments.

In the 21st century, relationships are perceived very differently than 100 or 200 years ago. The family is increasingly seen as a partnership in which people are of their own free will, and not because they will not survive alone. Therefore, some of the tips that are presented as time-tested no longer work.

1. Be wiser, just keep quiet

Silence is proposed to resolve conflicts: if disagreements are not allowed to develop into a quarrel, then they seem to be gone. But it resembles a game of hide and seek with a baby: he covers his eyes with his hands and thinks that no one can see him. Only here are they ordered to close their mouths and consider that the conflict has disappeared.

If the problem isn't worth a damn, this method will work: you just forget about the incident and move on with your life. But if the subject matter of the dispute matters at least a little, then you will repeatedly return to it - at least in thoughts. You will remain silent, but the problem will not go away: there will be many ambiguities, you will not recognize the opinion of the other side and will not be able to convey your position to her.

You may be offended that your partner does not appreciate your sacrifice of wise silence, but he simply does not know about it.

Negative emotions will accumulate, especially if the situation repeats itself, and one day they will break out. Perhaps you will unleash your anger on innocent people - children, parents, colleagues. So this strategy has more problems than benefits.

2. Keep quiet and do it your way

This is a variation of the previous advice that no longer strikes at you, but at your partner. You are simply sabotaging his opinion, instead of discussing the problem and exchanging arguments. Indeed, who is interested in what the person with whom you started a family thinks. He just doesn't understand anything at all, why listen to him?

The truth will sooner or later be revealed, and the partner will rightly feel deceived. And this does not contribute to the construction of harmonious relationships.

Of course, we are talking about important things that affect the whole family. If you ask which trousers are better in color, and in the end choose not the ones that were advised to you, please. But silently buying a ticket to Tunisia, if the partner said: “Only not to Africa,” is not worth it.

3. Nudge to the correct solution

Many consider manipulation to be an integral part of a relationship. And sometimes there are prerequisites for such "wisdom" passed down from generation to generation.

For example, in a traditional patriarchal family, a woman's opinion was not perceived as meaningful. Therefore, she had the only leverage - manipulation. And only such that the man thought that he had made a decision on his own, otherwise it could end badly for her. Hence the expression "The husband is the head, the wife is the neck: wherever he wants, he will turn there."

Now the distribution of power is shifting, but people still use manipulation. For example:

• They give a fictitious choice, pointing to a profitable solution: "Are we going to your stupid football or, finally, we will choose entertainment not for idiots and go to the opera?"
• They are caught at the moment of vulnerability - after sex or in a state of intoxication - and then forced to fulfill the promise.
• They impose a sense of guilt, so that later they can use it for their own purposes: "If you were a good mother, you would stay with the children, and not go to work."
• They act through compliments: “You wash the toilets so cool, but I can't do anything at all. Will you always do this?"
• They issue ultimatums: "If you do not fulfill this, I will file for divorce."

Alas, not everyone knows how to interact differently, so they take manipulations for granted.

It's really more difficult to negotiate. You need to argue, convince, discuss, possibly quarrel. But in the long term, this approach unites, because you made a decision together and it will no longer be possible to shove responsibility for it.

4. Do not show flaws, show only the best sides

The main character of the series "The Amazing Mrs. Maisel" wakes up before her husband to have time to put on makeup and style her hair, and then pretend that she is naturally so good. There it is presented as a humorous moment, but until now in the media such advice sometimes slips.

Here you can add recommendations to have sex in clothes, if there are flaws in the figure, adjust your interests to the tastes of your partner and always be in a good mood. If you're lucky, you can lie until you die.

Doing so yourself and expecting the same from your partner is at least illogical. Such deception - especially if a person is going to restrain his nature only in the first years - prevents him from adequately assessing his choice and finding someone suitable.

As for appearance, here, too, the game of the ideal does not suit you. If you really want to live together for years to come, be prepared to get sick, get old, and possibly change diapers one day. Accept that you are alive.

And if you need someone perfect and always in a good mood, borrow a cardboard life-size figure of your favorite actor or actress from the cinema.

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5. Why are you doing this? This is not a male / female occupation

It's simple: if genitals are not needed for a certain activity, it is common. Here half of the socialist slogan is fully operational: "From each according to his ability."

For example, it is obvious that the average man is physically stronger than the average woman, and the heavy bags will most likely fall on him. But an athlete-powerlifter will lift more than a 50-kilogram amateur lying on the couch. And if a man has undergone abdominal surgery, he cannot lift anything heavy at all.

Most of the homework does not require any skills or special knowledge: anyone can wash the dishes, hammer in a nail and screw in a light bulb. And a fair (taking into account the rest of the employment) division of responsibilities makes partners in a relationship happier - and both. But is it important for counselors who instill gender stereotypes?

6. Do not wash dirty linen in public

Some things are really better not to talk about. If you can handle disagreements on your own, there is no need to involve outsiders in everyday conflicts.

But with serious problems, this advice can be harmful. We are talking primarily about cases of domestic violence - physical, psychological, economic. The victim can rarely be saved without outside help, because she has nowhere and nothing to go, she is constantly exposed to negative influences and does not believe in her own strength. A person cannot always adequately analyze the situation, since the rapist builds a completely different reality around him, where the norm is shifting.

And often advice not to wash dirty linen in public is not given in order to save relationships (they can no longer be helped). There is a complex of prejudices at work here: "what will people think", "there is no need to destroy the family", "you have children." But it is foolish to mask the cracks in the facade when the foundation is destroyed.

7. Pierce the condom! He / she will love the child later

It seems that nothing needs to be explained here: pure game. But reproductive violence is not uncommon on the part of both sexes, and the goal is always the same: to tie a partner to you.

But the attitude of society towards this, depending on gender, will be slightly different. When a woman pierces a condom, she is more often a "bitch who wants to sit on her partner's neck." When a man does this, he "just loves and wants children, you need to rejoice."

So, no matter who tries to cheat to cause pregnancy, you cannot call him a good word. It's terrible even if the injured party never knows what happened. Having a child is a serious decision that must be voluntary and deliberate. After all, the well-being of the new person depends on how much the couple is ready for this.

Children don't always make their parents happier or guarantee that their relationship will grow stronger. Conversely, having a child reduces marital satisfaction. This is due, among other things, to the fact that the couple directs all their attention not to each other, but to the child. If the relationship already has problems - and they are, otherwise it would not have occurred to pierce condoms - then it is much easier to destroy them.

8. You get what you deserve, don't complain and live with it

Belief in a just world is a protective mechanism of the psyche. Because of him, it seems that if something bad happens to a person, then he deserves it. And those who behave "rightly" will never get into a bad situation. Indeed, if you think all the time that any trouble can happen to you every minute for no reason, you can seriously damage your mind.

It is with the belief in a just world that the human tendency to blame the victims is connected. However, those subjected to violence are far from always dressed provocatively (although no outfit gives the right to violence), not only reckless drivers die in road accidents, but tiny babies die from diseases, who could not harm anyone even in their thoughts.

So no, people don't always get what they deserve. And not always at the beginning of a relationship they are able to understand with whom they are dating. There are several reasons for this:

• Many people show their exhibition version to their partner for a very long time (see point 4).
• It is possible to encounter a family abuser, and this is a typical mechanism of his action - to be good until the victim is firmly attached to him. To do this, he tramples her self-esteem, destroys social connections so that there is no one to ask for help, and rolls the victim on an "emotional swing."
• People change. And not always for the better.

If everything is bad in a relationship, you should not put up with this in any case - revive them or break them.

9. Anything but a divorce

Lovers of popular prints of antiquity often refer to the fact that people used to live in marriage for half a century and did not part. But a long-term relationship does not mean happy. At different times, couples had their own reasons to continue living together: the absence of the institution of divorce and inheritance rights, the inability to get an education and work, a common mortgage for 30 years.

And in general, happiness in the Russian mentality is the tenth thing. What is worth enduring all your life?

The cracks in a relationship are different. When the plaster fell off the facade a little, it costs nothing to patch it up, but only by common efforts: one is powerless here. This is exactly what you should do if you are both in the mood for happily ever after.

If everything is falling apart before our eyes, and dissatisfaction with each other grows, perhaps divorce is not such a bad idea. And it's better to have time to jump out of the crumbling house before the roof falls on your head, and you hate each other. This is especially important if you have a child: it is better to disperse calmly and maintain a normal relationship than to start a war, during which the children will surely be hit by a blast wave.

Until recently, divorce was condemned and parting was perceived as a collapse of all hopes. But a marriage filled with mutual reproach, discontent and hatred is much worse.