When is your family time to stop meddling in your life?

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-13 00:26

Growing up is difficult, but there is no other way.

This article is part of the Auto-da-fe project. In it, we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you've come across a similar experience, share your stories in the comments.

Do you know how an airplane takes off? He overcomes attraction at the expense of his resources - the thrust of the engines. Then the earth lets him go. Everything else is the skill of the pilot and the health of the vessel. That is, one relaxes, the other rules. Both are in a physical field, in a known way they affect each other, but under ideal conditions, no one destroys anyone.

Growing up is a similar process. It is also mutual and requires psychological maturity both from parents to fearlessly give a pendel and say “Fly!”, And from a child who, moving by inertia for some time, must grab the steering wheel. If I am maturing, my mom and dad should also mature with me in order to bring the relationship from the “child-parent” position to the “adult-adult” position.

Not all parents are ready to let their children fly free and transfer responsibility for life to them. And not all children understand that the reason for many failures in life is that they do not fly, but are still attached to their elders by an invisible umbilical cord.

Those who have learned the joy of parenting, of course, will now say that a child is always a child: at three, at 15, and at 45. And I want to give him all the best, to protect him from caries, low scores on the exam, renovation and inflation …

But no, you can be a son and daughter at three, and at 15, and at 45, but you can't be a child at 45.

There is a huge difference between nurturing and nurturing. Caring is what demonstrates our love and care. We remain close and open, but this is not a relationship between a child and parents, but between two adults. We do not break through the fence to grab the collar and poke our noses in happiness, but politely knock and offer help. And a person has the right to accept it or refuse.

Guardianship implies a comprehensive participation in the life of someone who is not yet able to take care of himself, does not know how to make decisions. This is a system of relationships in which parents protect the child from any difficulties, entrusting the satisfaction of all his needs to themselves. For an adult, custody can be stifling.

When is it time to be alert

1. It's hard for you to say no

You often lament: "I wish I did as I saw fit." But at the same time, it is difficult for you to insist on your own - with your parents, boss, neighbors, plumber. It is you who are easily sold expensive nonsense like unnecessary cosmetics or a massager in the car, it is you who will always agree to work on Saturday for a simple human thanks, it is from you that the other half will be able to twist ropes.

You are angry, indignant, annoyed, but you cannot refuse. And even if you try to resist, then you still do what you were asked to do. After all, others do not take your "no" seriously, and attempts to refuse are considered just whims.

Why is this happening

The inability to say “no” is often associated with childhood experiences, when your feelings were manipulated, and the desires and needs were not considered: “Listen, otherwise I will not love”, “Do as you are told”, “If you are capricious, the babayka will take away” …

As a result, a scenario is laid that the word "no" is bad and threatens your safety: you will lose your reputation as a "good" son or daughter, employee, person and remain alone. To agree is to ensure that you will be loved.

When it is important to stay good for everyone, you cannot rely on yourself as your self-worth is based on the opinions of others. You rely on authority figures, parental images, trust their opinion more than yourself. You do not have your own support, namely, it allows you not to get lost in difficult situations.

2. You often do things so as not to upset your parents

Go to your unloved job because your mom thinks it's good. Do not divorce your husband, because the parents say that the family should be complete. You are not buying a BMW with acceleration to 100 km / h in 5 seconds, but a Volkswagen, which perfectly fits your mother's seedlings.

Why is this happening

Parents often compared you to other children, and the bottom line was not in your favor. The morals were accompanied by exclamations about “how hard you got it”, “how much effort and money was invested in you”, “how you brought your father to a heart attack with your antics.” If your grandfather was also a professor, and your grandmother spoke six languages, and you have a two in algebra, then you’ll be lost. A project called Our Child was bursting at the seams.

In fact, your parents accused you of being born and of not living up to their expectations. It may not sound straightforward, but it was implied.

As an adult, you continue to atone for this guilt, and your every action has a prerequisite: not to upset mom and dad, not to disgrace the family.

3. You cannot answer the question "Where is my home?"

You have no personal territory. Even if you live separately from your parents, your mother always has keys. She can arrive in the morning without warning with pies, walk into the bedroom without knocking, or rearrange your T-shirts as she sees fit. As a result, you constantly feel out of place.

This feeling of restlessness extends to other areas of life. For example, you give up a good job out of fear of not being able to handle it, or you hesitate to approach a girl because you think, "I can't pull it."

Why is this happening

This usually happens in families living in the myth "We are a friendly family." Unspoken conflicts are often hidden behind the facade of such a family: it is customary to express only positive feelings, everything else is supplanted. From the outside, this looks ideal: everyone loves each other, acts together, supports family traditions, no one criticizes anyone.

The external borders of the "friendly family" are closed, outsiders are not allowed here, but at the same time the personal borders of each are unceremoniously attacked. It is believed that there can be no secrets in a family, so relatives do not hesitate to enter the room without knocking or come to visit without warning, arrange cleaning, arrange furniture and arrange things under the sauce “I am acting in your interests”.

If one of the members strives for independence, he is appointed a traitor, made guilty, condemned, so that in the end he himself begins to seem restless and inadequate. The split within the family becomes its internal split, in which joy mixes with longing, and pride in oneself - with shame.

Juliana

After the wedding, my husband and I began to live with his parents. There is a large apartment and a convenient location. In our room there was a wardrobe with kitchen and bath towels. For the whole family. Why it was impossible to transfer them to another room with our relocation, I do not know. In my youth, I was afraid to object: it was awkward, I wanted everyone to like me.

Dear mother-in-law came into our room at any time without knocking and dived to the closet to get her towels. Then I caught her rummaging through our things. She began to make excuses that, they say, we are constantly at work, and she wanted to help us. And then she dripped on her husband's brains, what a bad housewife I am, that his things lie somehow, unwashed and wrinkled.

I also once asked my husband to vacuum the bed in our room. As soon as he turned on the vacuum cleaner, the mother-in-law flew into the room shouting: "He has asthma!" For some reason, she always believed that her husband was asthmatic, although he was simply allergic. I snatched the equipment out of my hands and began to vacuum myself.

In general, they got divorced in the end. True, they managed to give birth to two children. But she did everything for us to part. Even when we moved out, I called and told my husband what a bad mother, mistress, wife I am, and he, a handsome man, will always find better.

4. You find yourself in ridiculous situations in which you find yourself helpless

Superstitious people would suggest an evil eye or a curse. But in reality, you unconsciously create situations in your life in which you desperately need the support of your parents. You put your wallet in your pocket and you lose your last money, you try to break up a fight, and you are taken to the police, you fail the project and fly out of work, break your leg, leave the university. And very often you find it difficult to answer the question: "How does this happen?"

Why is this happening

When children grow up and leave their parental home, the stage of the "empty nest" begins in the life of the family. Parents have a feeling of being unnecessary. In families where the child played the role of a connecting link in marital relations for many years, a void is formed between husband and wife. Previously, they were engaged in raising children and did not pay attention to each other. Now it turns out that they have no other compatibility and it is pointless to continue living together. The couple is on the verge of divorce.

And then this matured child, like a good son or daughter, unconsciously begins to save parents from parting and play the role of a family stabilizer. When misfortunes happen to him, mom and dad stop quarreling among themselves and unite in the name of his salvation. They again have common goals and find something to talk about. So the child, creating problems, helps the parents to keep the marriage.

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5. Your personal life doesn't work out

Life with parents becomes unbearable. You, trying to protect yourself from their influence and regain independence, find a partner with whom you want to create a family that is not like your parent. The companion is chosen contrary to the expectations of mom and dad, in order to once again emphasize the right to independence. This then becomes the reason for the divorce.

Why is this happening

You started living on your own early, because it became impossible to coexist with your parents. The relationship with them is still filled with tension and anxiety. You have separated physically, but emotionally you are still firmly connected. These emotions can be negative, the main thing is that they exist and there are many of them: resentment, dislike, pity, disappointment, jealousy, indignation.

And then everything that you do, you do not for yourself, but in order to prove your independence to your parents.

There is a hidden generational struggle that leaves no room for other emotionally rich connections and continues to pull you into your parental family like a funnel. In this situation, you remain primarily a son or daughter, and only then - a spouse or spouse.

With a high probability, and with a partner during the period of increasing tension, you will choose the same tactics and escape into a "new life." That is, constantly repeating unfinished relationships with parents, trying to end them in another union.

Olga

I was brought up very strictly. It was forbidden to come later than 21:00, walk with the boys, stay with a friend for the night. It was only possible to study and read books. Of course, I still walked and kissed, but secretly. I remember when I was already 18, my mother found birth control pills in my bag. Another would have been glad, but I just had a hell of a scandal. Even my father came running from the kitchen and splashed saliva: as I could, I disgraced the family.

She got married early, just to run away from her parents. She gave birth to a child, but in the end, when the pregnant woman was still walking, she separated from her husband. Mom was delighted. And she actively began to participate in my life, right down to how I dress and what to eat, how to feed the child, how to bring up, and so on.

Naturally, I started to arrange my personal life, to date men. Once I left the phone on the charger and went for a walk with my son. I come - my mother is reading the correspondence on the phone. And again the scandal: who needs you with a child, no one will take you, ruin your son's life, men are more important to you, but they only need one thing from you, now fatherlessness is growing. We had a fight. Since then we have not communicated.

She sometimes calls, asks about her grandson, but I limited any physical contact. I want to get married again and raise my son the way I see fit, and not my parents. I am happy that I live separately and do not depend on them materially.

6. Your child does not recognize your authority

He speaks in an imperative tone, does not react to remarks, calls by name, says with all his appearance: "You will not do anything to me anyway."

Almost every parent is faced with the problem of disobedience. The psyche of a child differs from the psyche of an adult: he studies the world on an intuitive level and needs authority to rely on in an incomprehensible situation. According to the reactions of his parents, he learns the rules of behavior and learns to limit his desires.

When mom and dad set some boundaries, and grandparents set others, the child recognizes the authority of the one who is stronger. Moreover, he understands the hierarchy in the family by non-verbal signs. For example, my mother often breaks down at him, which makes her feel guilty and eventually gives in, and my grandmother speaks calmly, pampers. Conclusion: grandmother is stronger, she knows how to cope with her emotions and keeps her word. Or the whole family is led by an imperious grandfather, his word is law, and the child ascribes authority to him.

Why is this happening

When mom and dad depend on their parents emotionally or financially, they and the child are seen as big children. The kid observes how his parents behave like a child: they act inconsistently, are capricious, shift responsibility to the older generation. Very often in such families, an intergenerational coalition is formed: for example, a grandmother and a grandson are “friends” against the educational measures of the parents.

7. You do not know what you want from life, and have been looking for yourself for years

We dreamed of learning to be a sound engineer, but dad said: “You can't make money with music. Engineers are valuable now. " We wanted to become a journalist, and my mother said: “Which of you is a journalist? You cannot connect two words. Go to a doctor, a family always needs a doctor. " You, like an obedient child, relying on the wisdom of your ancestors, go where it was ordered, but you do not find happiness. As a result, you are dissatisfied with life, yourself, your parents, and apathy blooms in the place of your old desires.

Why is this happening

Behavior is programmed by your parents, you follow their beliefs, and the world closes for you. When a person is guided not by his own desires, but by external prompts, an intrapersonal conflict arises - a state when from within you are torn apart by mutually exclusive “must” and “cannot”. The inner convictions laid down in childhood sit very deeply and sometimes are not realized. They imperceptibly form a life scenario, and you act with an eye on the embedded postulates. At the same time, your "I" can experience completely different needs, have its own desires. From this, a constant conflict arises between the unconscious and consciousness.

How to deal with it all

The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem. As doctors say, the correct diagnosis is the key to successful treatment.

Secondly, say to yourself: "Yes, I am ready to make independent decisions and be responsible for them, even if it makes me feel bad at times."To make it easier to cope, it would be good to find your own resources from which you can draw strength in any incomprehensible situation. And material ones as well. Because claiming independence on the money of your parents is like running with all your might, remaining on a leash.

Thirdly, it is worth using auxiliary attitudes: “I am me, you are you”, “You are my father, I am your son. We are close people, but we are not one whole "," You can not accept my choice, just as I can not accept yours, but each of us has the right to his life and his mistakes."

And finally, boldly build personal boundaries in physical and psychological space. You cannot endure and not be silent, but politely inform you that you cannot enter your room, wash your underwear, or tidy up your chest of drawers, because you are already many years old. Have a valocordin and an ambulance number on hand, because mom will probably feel bad with her heart, and dad will have high blood pressure. Arm yourself with patience, because you will have to designate your boundaries not once, but a hundred or two hundred. Be ready to defend these boundaries if they are categorically not respected: put a lock on the door of a room, pick up the keys to your apartment, set a password on your phone.

You are an adult, and it is an inalienable right not to allow other people to behave in your territory in a way that does not suit you. Even if these people are your parents.