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"I am a narcissist." How to keep frustration from blooming
"I am a narcissist." How to keep frustration from blooming

It's not just those around you that upset is bothering you. The narcissist himself is also having a hard time.

"I am a narcissist." How to keep frustration from blooming
"I am a narcissist." How to keep frustration from blooming

What is Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality disorder. The narcissist is convinced of his uniqueness and superiority. It requires constant admiration and adoration. Such a person is toxic and often manipulates others. At the same time, the narcissist does not become attached to people, experiences difficulties in friendships and love relationships.

As a rule, the narcissist considers himself smarter than others, and his opinion is the only correct one. No one can and should not be better than him. Hence the difficulty in realizing the problem: he simply does not notice his bad side. And if conflict situations arise, then others are always to blame for them.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

How narcissistic disorder is formed

It goes back to deep childhood and begins to form literally in the first years of life. Narcissistic disorder has been associated with cold, rejecting parents. They deprive the child of attention and interest. He is constantly criticized, ridiculed, humiliated. As a result, a child whose needs are not satisfied grows a grandiose self. It creates the illusion of self-sufficiency in which parents are not needed.

However, the opposite mechanism is also considered. The child is over-praised, regardless of his merits, pampered, nothing is forbidden. As a result, a person does not know the word "no", believes that everything in the world was created for him, has an overestimated self-esteem, not supported by anything.

In general, the problem, as always, is in the extremes that impede the harmonious development of the individual.

Why narcissistic disorder is detrimental to narcissists themselves

It seems that the narcissist does not suffer from his disorder - he enjoys it. But it is not so. The fact that a person considers himself great and beautiful does not at all protect him from some torments.

Heavy collision with reality

The narcissist's sense of inferiority goes hand in hand with inflated self-esteem. And he painfully experiences situations in which he is not ideal. And this happens quite often, because no one is perfect. The narcissist does not have an inner core, self-support systems.

Any failure for a narcissist can turn into a real tragedy, since he experiences serious problems with self-esteem. And the constant idealization of the external "I" and emptiness inside leads to disharmony of the personality.

Oleg Ivanov

A keen sense of envy

The narcissist needs an inner confirmation of his perfection. Therefore, he painfully perceives any success of other people. It is typical for him to evaluate everything in terms of "better - worse". If someone has done something outstanding, they are not just great - they are better. And the narcissist himself turns out to be worse. Therefore, he is desperately jealous, and this is also not the most pleasant feeling.

Inability to try new things

Any new lesson is associated with a stage when a beginner makes many mistakes, looks funny, does not cope with tasks. Therefore, it is easier for the narcissist not to participate in activities where he will look pale. “The main thing is not victory, but participation” - this is not about him at all. He will only do what he is very good at (or at least can pretend that he is capable of it).

How to tell if you are a narcissist

Narcissists are rarely willing to admit that something is wrong with them. Inflated self-esteem is about someone else, but he is really special. But since the degree of frustration is different, in some cases you can suspect that it is time to work on yourself.

Here is a short list of questions. If the answer is yes to them, it’s worth considering whether you’re a narcissist.

  • Do you consider yourself special or at least better than others?
  • Are you ashamed to ask for help?
  • Do you constantly want to feel the approval of others?
  • Does your self-esteem jump from "I am a genius" to "I am a nonentity" and back?
  • When someone succeeds, do you feel jealous or ashamed?
  • Are you trying to impress in society even when you don't need to?
  • Are you only interested in those around you if they can benefit you?
  • Are you always trying to be better than others in everything?
  • If you fail, do you easily blame people or circumstances?
  • Do you avoid competition if you are not confident in your victory?
  • Do you help people to be praised for it?
  • Do you belittle others in order to feel better?
  • Do you hate criticism?
  • Are you ready to manipulate people to achieve goals?
  • Do you often talk about your achievements?
  • Do you break promises to people easily and are often late?
  • Do you consider a conversation bad if the interlocutor had little interest in your stories?
  • Do you fantasize a lot about how great and successful you can be?
  • If people don't live up to your expectations, are you ashamed that you were wrong about them?
  • Do you feel uncomfortable in a circle of people who supposedly are not inferior to you in achievements?
  • Are you angry if others do not what you expected them to do?
  • Do you often joke offensively?

There is no need to make a diagnosis based on this questionnaire, if only because there are narcissistic traits in each of us. But if doubts gnaw at you and you want to understand the issue, then proceed to the next block.

What to do if you suspect you have a narcissistic disorder

Self-diagnosis of narcissistic disorder is difficult and impossible to cope with. The help of a psychologist is needed here.

Narcissists are treated depending on what approach is required for a particular person, and on the position of the doctor. For example, sometimes, at the suggestion of the psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, empathy is used as a tool, which the narcissists themselves are not capable of. She must break through the layer of narcissistic defenses and get to the receptive and empathetic part of the personality.

But for many narcissists, this will not work. They will simply perceive empathy as an opportunity to twist the rope from the person who showed it. So some experts use a confrontational technique that aims to shake the grandeur and generate narcissistic rage. And this is just a small part of the nuances of working with a narcissist. That is why it is important for a specialist to help solve the problem.