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Why do we yell at children and how to stop in time
Why do we yell at children and how to stop in time

The life hacker asked psychologists how to control themselves when there was no patience left.

Why do we yell at children and how to stop in time
Why do we yell at children and how to stop in time

Why are you yelling at the child

Insufficient resources

If you don't eat well, sleep a little, and are constantly under stress, resources run out and you start screaming. Here are some situations in which you simply don’t have the strength to be a good parent.

1. You are not feeling well

Illness, chronic lack of sleep, financial or family problems that cause it all reduce your energy reserves.


Oleg Ivanov. Psychologist conflictologist, head of the Center for the settlement of social conflicts.

The reason for the screams of parents is not always the behavior of the children. Sometimes the reason lies in fatigue, depression, irritability, and we start yelling at children because of any minor offense.

2. You don't have time for yourself

If you are constantly with your child and do not even have an hour of free time, sooner or later it will leave you exhausted. Depending on the temperament, the child can take up a lot or a lot of energy. And if you don't have time to replenish your supplies, the result will be screams and frustrations.

3. You are overwhelmed

You are trying to concentrate on some business, the child yells and pulls by the leg, the phone rings, a mug of tea falls and breaks. The information overload ends with a shout: "Leave me alone, shut up for a second!"

4. You lose control of your life

It is difficult to make any plans with a child: at any moment he can get sick, throw a tantrum or become stubborn. If you are used to controlling everything, but with the appearance of the baby you have lost this opportunity, irritation and a cry await you.

5. You need emotional relaxation

You are accustomed not to splash out negative, but to accumulate it in yourself. As a result, emotions break out at the most unexpected moment, and since you are constantly next to your child, they fall on him. The child has nothing to do with it, but you no longer control yourself.

Mismatching expectations and reality

The Internet is replete with photos of happy kids in clean clothes and equally happy parents with smiles from ear to ear. Real parenting bears little resemblance to these pictures. It has merciless childish tantrums attached to crises of different ages, torn wallpaper and stained furniture, stubborn disobedience and a lot of excitement for various reasons. Sometimes it takes parents by surprise.

The child can repeat what he was forbidden many times to check how the parent will react. He can forget a well-learned poem that he recited with expression an hour ago, fight with other children and be rude to the teacher, be greedy, litter and do many other things that he shouldn't.

A conflict arises between the expectation of the parents and the behavior of the child. And the parents are screaming.

How to deal with it

Take time for yourself

Oleg Ivanov argues that in order to prevent nervous breakdowns and, as a result, yelling at children, it is imperative to give yourself time to relax. It is desirable not less than half an hour a day, regardless of the weather conditions and the wishes of the household. This is necessary in order to maintain mental adequacy and the ability to respond normally to the behavior of children.

Believe me, those half an hour a day spent on a cup of coffee with a book save your nervous system from exhaustion. This is especially true for mothers with young children, who practically never part with their "tails".

Oleg Ivanov

Ask relatives to sit with the child or send him to a developing circle. Transfer some of the household chores to the other parent, even if you have always considered it your duty. Perhaps this method will solve all your screaming problems and no further work is required.

Learn to Express Your Feelings

This advice is for those who are used to enduring to the last, and then exploding. Work with your emotions, learn to openly express them immediately after they arise. The strong do not complain, do not cry and die with dignity from a heart attack at the age of 40.

Talk about your problems, express dissatisfaction, cry - all this unloads you and reduces the likelihood that another flurry of accumulated emotions will fall on the innocent child.


Nadezhda Baldina psychologist, systemic constellator, business consultant Olvia Family Counseling Center

You need to monitor your inner state and be honest with yourself, allow yourself and your child to show various emotions: sadness, joy, sadness, resentment, anger, love. And then there will be no need to shout at someone, especially at the weakest.

Become aware of yourself in a moment of irritation

Train yourself to be mindful in moments of irritation and screaming. When you feel like you’re going to take off and yell at your child, stop and try to understand why you’re doing this.

The question is not what the child did, but why I react to it that way. Track who this cry is actually directed at right now. Did the child really do something terrible? Or were you just having a bad day? If it is not possible to react calmly, it is better to remain silent altogether.

Nadezhda Baldina

Train yourself to stop. Count to ten to yourself and repeat calming phrases like, “I'm calm. I love my child. Or go to another room for five minutes altogether.

Feel that you are turned on - leave the room. Take a cold shower, have a cup of tea. The main thing is to calm down and return to the child when you are ready to continue the conversation in a normal tone.

Oleg Ivanov

Oleg Ivanov also advises one more way: agree in advance with the child that at the moment of your cry he will leave the room. This will help you self-awareness and cool off before talking to your baby.

However, the absence of a cry alone cannot solve the problem, because it appeared for a reason - the child clearly did something forbidden. When you have calmed down, start talking.

Learn to speak and explain

In the first years of life, a huge number of new neural connections are formed in the child's brain. It absorbs everything like a sponge: your every word, movement, demeanor and communication. If you shout at him, he will shout too. On you, if allowed, or on those who are weaker.

Nadezhda Baldina believes that calm explanations are simply necessary for children.

If you do not explain to your child why you are yelling, he may begin to take the blame for what he is not to blame for - this is how a rich children's imagination works in the event of a lack of information.

Nadezhda Baldina

Nadezhda explains that this is dangerous for the child's further socialization. Guilty behavior will provoke other people to aggression. From parents to children at school. It will be more difficult for such a child to adapt - because of the guilty behavior, he risks becoming.

Tell your child openly if you are angry with him. Explain why. Explain in detail what he did wrong and what you dislike. The child must understand: you are shouting not because he is bad and you do not love him, but because he did the wrong thing.

One of the principles of healthy parenting is that it is not the child that should be punished, but his behavior. For example: "I love you, but your behavior is no good!"

Nadezhda Baldina

Recognize that your child is not perfect, and neither are you

Realize that you are not the perfect parent who smiles at you from stock photos.

You can be tired and irritated, you do not always control your reactions, you have the right to make mistakes. Isolated cases of screaming will not make your child a disabled person and will not force him to visit a psychotherapist for the rest of his days.

You may be wrong, but try not to. And if you yelled at the child again, learn from this lesson. Analyze why this happened, ask the baby for forgiveness and forget. Feelings of guilt are a poor parenting tool.

But at the same time, recognize the right to be imperfect for your child. He does not have to be attentive and obedient, neat, polite and generous. The upbringing and personal example of parents will certainly bear fruit, but this takes time. Do not expect empathy and generosity, logic and long-term planning from a three-year-old child - he is simply physically incapable of this.

Get busy planning

Note the times when you yell at your child most often. For example, it may be morning kindergarten when he runs away from you and does not want to get dressed. Or an evening after work, when a tired adult is required to play and have fun.

See what you can do about it. For example, in the evening you can carve out an hour for yourself: rest after work and gain strength before playing with your child. Or share it with the other parent: you play for two hours, me for two hours.

If you are annoyed that he runs away and does not want to dress, you can calmly, without screaming, gather and pretend to leave without him. Explain that you do not have time and do not intend to tolerate his self-indulgence. Most likely, the child will run after you with a scream, persuading you to take him with you, and will get dressed very quickly.

Make a list of your dangers and, next to each item, sketch out a plan for how to cope without yelling. Even if your methods don't work, there will always be others. You just need to show a little patience and find an approach to your child.

Action plan

1. Preparation.

  • Replenishment of resources: rest, food, sleep, time for yourself.
  • Expression of your emotions, refusal to accumulate negativity within yourself.

2. Action.

  • Awareness before screaming or at the moment of screaming.
  • Calming measures. Detachment from the situation, tea, shower or washing, breathing, affirmations.
  • Analysis of the situation. What caused the cry, is the child to blame, what you feel.
  • Explanations. Talking to your child about what he did wrong, what feelings you have towards him and why you should not do this. Answers to all his questions regarding this situation.

3. Planning. Thinking about your behavior in situations that cause screaming.