"Boys don't cry": how a popular stereotype destroys men's psyche and life

Where did the stereotype come from that boys don't cry

Men are considered to be less emotional than women, although this is not the case. Researchers have found that both sexes are equally prone to expressing feelings. But the expression of emotions depends a lot on the situation and the gender roles learned.

With regard to tears specifically, in the 1980s, scientists calculated that on average a woman cries 5.3 times a month and a man 1.3 times. More recent studies have shown roughly the same results. There is a biological explanation for this statistic. Testosterone can suppress crying, and prolactin, which is higher in women, can stimulate.

However, a comparative analysis found that people in richer countries generally cry more often. It's just that the culture in which they live allows it. In poorer countries, there are more reasons for crying, but emotionality is frowned upon, which affects the frequency of crying.

If you dig deeper, it becomes clear that tears as such are not under the ban. We are talking about the emotions associated with vulnerability: sadness, longing, despondency, sadness.

The prohibition on the manifestation of certain feelings is directly related to gender prejudices, from which both sexes suffer. In the collective unconscious there is a certain image of a real man who must be strong, decisive and unbending. In practice, more attention is paid to form rather than content. Tears, sadness, fear are taboo, and unmotivated aggression is encouraged, although all this has nothing to do with strength of character.

Emotional prohibition is the most common gender attitude faced by a boy in all its various manifestations. Parents forbid feelings that are associated with weakness. They can devalue the boy's experiences and shame him for it. They use as an example the image of a strong man who never cries, is not afraid and does not feel pain.

Parents can be well-motivated in doing so. But the result will not always be as expected.

A non-gender aspect is added to the prohibition of emotions. In Russia, little attention is still paid to feelings, even when it comes to their own children or themselves. Therefore, when faced with the sadness of the child, the parent often cannot process his feelings and respond adequately. He does not know how to help, and perceives children's tears as a source of irritation. It is much easier to say "don't whine" in this situation.

Why is the ban on emotions dangerous?

The human psyche does not have a toggle switch that allows you to turn off certain emotions. This is just a reaction to the events taking place. By forbidding ourselves or someone from expressing our feelings, we do not cancel them. It's just that secondary emotions are added to the emotions of sadness in the form of shame and fear: what if someone will notice? This approach can lead to a lot of problems.

Inability to process emotions

Analyzing your feelings helps you understand what is happening in time and react to it properly. If something brings you joy, there is an incentive to deal with it more often. Anger is a logical response to an alien invasion and an attempt to push boundaries. When something sad happens, you are sad.

To understand your emotions, you have to face them. If a person from childhood gets used to blocking some feelings in himself, he has nowhere to get the tools to work with them. Therefore, there are many problems and misunderstandings.

For example, a man may be sad because today is the anniversary of his dog's death. His loved one is trying to figure out what's the matter. What if he can help? It is logical in this situation to explain what is happening and accept this help. Well, or to break on a loved one, because it is forbidden to be sad, and yelling for no reason is quite legal and this is an opportunity to open the valve and cope with emotions. But those close to you can easily become distant in such a situation.

Unable to process emotions, a man is faced with the problems of building relationships in the broadest sense. He does not understand what he is feeling, and cannot convey this to the interlocutor. The reluctance to discuss the shortcomings of the relationship is often due to the fact that a man avoids everything that can put him in an uncomfortable situation of forced contact with emotions.

Christina Kostikova

It is almost impossible to build close and warm relationships for a person who suppresses and does not understand their emotions. By devaluing his own experiences, he gets used to devalue the emotions of his partner.

Self-destructive behavior

Failure to analyze and deal with emotions is not limited to those around you.

Maria Eril Psychologist, psychotherapist, head of the "Psychology of Communication" department at Business Speech.

In adulthood, the emotional carapace is well formed, but nevertheless, some over-strong emotion regularly breaks through it. This leads to frustration. The man is confused and feels aggression towards the situation that brought this imbalance. He usually needs some special circumstances to relieve tension.

This is primarily about adrenaline activities. Sometimes they are quite harmless, like computer games. But it is often alcohol, aggressive driving, and other high-risk activities. All this can end in injury or death.

Health and mental problems

Wanting to instill in the boy strength and fearlessness, parents do not suspect that the effect can be the opposite. The child has self-doubt and fear of not being able to maintain the image of a strong man.

Christina Kostikova

It is always impossible to suppress emotions: this is how our psyche works. Everything suppressed sooner or later finds a way out. It's also good if this manifests itself in the form of chronic fatigue. But much more often psychosomatic diseases, neuroses and depressive states become the outlet for repressed experiences. There are many known cases when men could not stand difficulties with work, breakdown of business and other problems in areas important to them and, not knowing how to cope with this emotional burden, committed suicide. Without understanding and accepting how our psyche functions (regardless of gender), it is extremely difficult to live a fulfilling and happy life.

What a grown man should do to lift the ban on emotions

The most correct decision would be to contact a psychologist, but there is something you can do yourself.

Begin to notice your experiences without suppressing them, but observing them. The power is not in inhibiting your real feelings, but in looking at them honestly and choosing the appropriate way to solve the problem. It is important not to devalue or shame, but to study yourself. In this case, a tremendous amount of energy will be released, which was previously spent on suppressing emotions. Aggression is important and necessary, but it is far from the only way to resolve issues.

Christina Kostikova

It is necessary to understand that your parents raised you as they could and as their own parents probably raised you. However, this does not mean that you have to follow this pattern in your life. Through awareness of the problem, you get a choice: to follow the usual path or not.

What parents of boys should remember

Allowing a child to experience emotions does not mean raising him as a nurse and a crybaby who will not achieve anything in life. On the contrary, understanding yourself and others is a powerful tool for achieving success. Developing emotional intelligence helps in work and personal life. And the absence of artificial restrictions in the form of gender stereotypes allows you to choose an activity to your liking and not spend a lot of energy trying to jump to the parental level "Real man".

Anastasia Belyaeva Child psychologist, performer of the YouDo service.

The task of parents is to learn, first of all, to recognize their emotions and skillfully manage them. For example, from a very young age, show empathy for your son when he is in pain. You cannot ignore his grievances and let them pass: the baby suffers greatly from this. The child may close off from such parents.

All children, regardless of gender, want to be loved and cared for, so that in times of severe pain and resentment, parents can share emotions with them, and not be fenced off by outdated stereotypes "boys don't cry and girls don't behave like boys."

The truth is that every man is real, and people are all different. The task of parents is not to lock the child in a box of a stereotypical role, but to help them reach maturity in all aspects, including emotionally.