How to free yourself from toxic life rules and breathe freely

I can't be wrong.
I shouldn't be happy about my successes.
If you do something, you are the best.
I must not give slack.
I have to meet the requirements and expectations of others.
I have to be cool.
I must not pollute nature.
I must try to make my loved ones go well.
I shouldn't expect anything from others.
I have to eat right.
I can’t lie under any circumstances.
I cannot be a burden to others.
You can't try to be better than I am.
The needs of others are more important than my own.
I have to be alert and not be manipulated.
If I annoy someone, I must do my best to calm that person down.
I have to be hospitable.
I always have to help my friends out.

Life rules are helpful. They regulate our behavior, acting as a kind of internal guides, helping to find the right path. But when you look at your own principles, you will most likely notice that some of them have a negative impact on you. They prevent you from taking proper care of yourself or impose behaviors that make your life difficult and drain your energy. Once you understand this, you probably want to change the rules.

Many live by rules that they themselves do not realize. We inherit some of the principles from our parents, we invent others ourselves, but then we forget where they came from in our life.

This is similar to how we learned to eat with a spoon: at first it was a creak, we did not know how to hold it, how to bring it to our mouth so as not to spill the contents, and how to put food in our mouth. But once having mastered the entire sequence of actions, we no longer think about them. Everything happens automatically, and we don't even remember why we need to do it this way.

Sometimes we live, unconsciously following the rules that we came up with in childhood, although now they only take away our energy. […]

The more strict rules, the fewer opportunities

Imagine a map of Denmark and think about the person's possibilities in life. Each new restriction forces you to cut a piece from the kingdom.

If you have made it a rule to always look perfect, then do not allow yourself to go in your pajamas all day. If your principle in life is never to upset your mother, then because of her ambitions, you will never become a chimney sweep, even if this is your favorite activity. Restrictions and prohibitions destroy our possibilities. Some have such strict rules that the kingdom of their possibilities turns into a tiny island. All their strength, all the time and ingenuity are spent to realize and observe their life principles.

How to discover hidden rules of life

Rules come into play when we need to make a decision. To identify the principles and values in life, it is enough to ask the following questions: "Why are you not doing what brings you pleasure?" or “Why don’t you stop doing what you don’t enjoy?”

If the person you are helping cannot achieve their goal or are dissatisfied with life, then perhaps their hidden rules are to blame. Questions like "Why don't you just go ahead and do the following?" seem silly and even annoying - of course, your interlocutor has an excuse. However, it is imperative to ask such questions: by helping others, you will definitely make sure that the often stupid and annoying questions have the greatest effect. In addition, they can be disguised. I do this all the time, especially if I help my loved ones. You can ask this: “When you told me that you didn’t want to go to your cousin’s birthday, but did go, I was a little surprised. Why didn't you just turn down the invitation? Sorry if I'm not in my business."

The answer in most cases will be some kind of life rule. For clarity, I repeat it after the patient: "It seems that you have a principle that prohibits spending the day off lying on the couch and going against mom's wishes." This is usually enough. Realizing that he is limiting himself, the interlocutor also understands the reasons why this or that rule was formed, and this opens up new opportunities for him. He will probably ask you to tell me how to change the existing principles. Or maybe he won't.

If the person you are talking to is unhappy with their rules of life, tell them what prospects opened up in front of you when you worked on your own limitations. And offer to consult him on this matter.

Below is an example of how to work with the rules of life.

Yana secretly dreams of spending her Christmas holidays somewhere in the south in a spa hotel. When I asked why not just pack her things and go, she immediately referred to the following principles:

I have to spend Christmas with my parents.
I shouldn't be selfish.
I can’t spend so much money on myself.

Having identified all the rules, work with each one separately, asking the same question: "Is this a good and constructive rule or an unreasonable prohibition?"

Analysis of your own life rules and formulation of alternatives

If the person you are helping enjoys writing, invite them to list the advantages and disadvantages of each rule on two sheets of paper.

Yana reconsidered her principles and "allowed" herself a trip to the spa hotel. Here is a new version of her rules:

I have to be with my parents, but not always. I can be with them on the eve of Christmas, but they can spend Christmas itself without me.
At times I can be a little selfish and only spend money on myself. In the end, it will also benefit others, because I will return home in a good mood and with renewed vigor.

Use this technique: don't just go over new thoughts in your head, but write them down on paper and reread them over and over again. If you don't like taking notes, just say the changed rule out loud several times. The effect will increase when you tell someone about the new principle. If you don't want to share with anyone, share your own reflection in the mirror.

When introducing new rules, do not forget to cancel the old ones. The best way to do this is to break them, to go against them. The more often you break the old rules, the less power they will have over you.

Parting with hidden principles

Our limitations are closely related to some ideas about the world. If it is difficult for someone close to you to abandon the hidden rules, you need to find out what their roots are. The following questions will help us with this:

Why should you …?
What happens if you …?
Why can't you …?

When asked why she should not be selfish, Yana quoted her father's words: "If everyone did what they want, where would we be now?" She heard this phrase from him many times, for example, when once in her childhood Yana did not want to sit with her younger brother and she asked permission to go play badminton instead. Having already matured, she realized: if her father were even a drop wiser, such a problem would never have arisen, since the girl could take her brother with her or ask her grandmother to sit with him. She decided that she would no longer allow herself to depend on this nonsensical phrase, which her father resorted to, forbidding her daughter to do what she loved for no real reason.

And when asked why she should definitely spend Christmas with her parents, Yana answered this way: when she was little and helpless, her parents sat with her, and now, when they themselves need help, she wants to thank them. But while the girl was talking about this, she suddenly realized that in fact, in her youth, her parents did something for their pleasure more than once, leaving her in the care of other people. Therefore, Yana changed her rule, and now it sounds like this: "I don't have to constantly, even on Christmas, sit with them."

Violation of hidden principles

Making the decision to change and stopping doing what you've been doing for years or your entire life can lead to discomfort and sometimes even fear.

Preparing to tell her parents about the upcoming trip, Yana could not sleep for several nights, and when she left for the first time, she worried that in her absence her parents would get sick.

Fortunately, nothing terrible happened, the rest did her good, and the next time it was much easier for Yana to tell her parents that sometimes she needed to put her interests first.

Realizing their capabilities, some try to limit them. Perhaps the fact is that people are not confident in their own abilities. Nevertheless, in most cases, when we understand that we live by unnecessary rules, we want to completely get rid of them or, as in the case of Yana, change them and expand the range of possibilities. Now Yana, for example, allows herself a lot more. She rethought the actions that she previously considered selfish, and began to get more pleasure from life.

At first, it will take you a lot of energy to learn how to live by the new rules. When you feel pressured from the outside, fear or extreme fatigue, you will want to return to the old principles that you may have adhered to all your life.

This is due to the fact that actions performed automatically take less energy from us. However, there is nothing wrong with such “kickbacks”. This is completely natural. Over time, there will be less and less of them, the main thing is to go towards new goals and constantly remind yourself of this.

Advise the person you are helping to glue the piece of paper with the new rule in a prominent place, such as on a mirror. Or tell your friend about the new principles and ask him to periodically remind you of the need for change.

Strict principles and low self-esteem

Rules implying that you should be better than others and meet the expectations of others speak of low self-esteem. When I asked why Yana always helps people and does not ask for anything in return, she was literally surprised at her answer. She was afraid of being abandoned and believed that in itself she was worthless.

Strict life principles often compensate for our inner sense of our own failure.

Trying to win over, we deep down hope that no one will see our insignificance. If you break the rules and notice that those around you are still there, and your bond with them has become even stronger, your self-esteem will increase significantly.

Changing life principles can affect the way you perceive yourself, and it becomes easier for you to be yourself. By ditching a boring birthday invitation and spending the money you saved on a beautiful bouquet of flowers for yourself, you're sending your self-esteem a signal that you are important and your needs are important.

Values

The more rules we change or cancel, the better? No, you shouldn't make that conclusion. Some of the principles are important to us as they relate to our values. Values and their choices influence the formation of personality and determine the uniqueness of each of us.

Examples of values:

You can't pollute the environment.
Children need to be given special attention.
You have to be honest.
You can not use people for selfish purposes.

You should not revise and change values that are of particular importance to you. But it is important to know about their existence. This will allow you to better understand why a particular situation is causing you resentment.

Summary

If your interlocutor is unable to get rid of problems, this may be due to the fact that he is very limited by his own rules or prohibitions. By discovering the hidden rules, we discover new possibilities. Life rules are often closely intertwined with a person's idea of the world and his inner convictions, so they rarely change. However, if the person you are helping agrees to change his own principles and this leads to an expansion of his range of possibilities, he will definitely go on the right path.

By analyzing our life principles, we allow ourselves to develop.

Ilse Sand's From the Heart of Your Heart is a practical guide to some simple psychotherapeutic techniques that can help you have heart-to-heart conversations wherever you go: in the kitchen, while walking, at a reception or at the bedside. She will teach not only to help the interlocutor to solve his problem, but also to keep the mind and mental balance safe and sound.