Don't say too much: how to talk to people in grief

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

The principle of correct communication with people in crisis or trauma was formulated by Susan Silk, author of the Los Angeles Times. It works for any crisis: medical, legal, romantic, even existential. Support - inside. Suffering - outward.

Several years ago, I attended a funeral for a person. He was very funny, positive, kind. There was a sea for the people: everyone adored it. I held his wife by the arm, who received the words of condolence with a stone face. I especially remember one woman. She sobbed and for a long time hysterically told how hard it was for her, how shocked she was and how terrible it was for her that “there is no such wonderful person anymore”. And I directly felt with my skin how the wife of this wonderful man begins to boil and strain.

I can understand that woman. Everyone was shocked. Everyone was sad and lousy. But to say what she said to the person she said it to was a mistake … Why? I'll explain now.

Circle

Here is a man with whom the misfortune happened. He goes to the center. The next layer is the husband, wife, children, relatives (not only by blood, but also by real relationships). Perhaps, but not necessarily, a best friend or girlfriend. Further - good friends. Next - friends and colleagues. And then the rest.

Support - inside

If you are talking to someone from the circle less than yours - support, console, listen, work with a vest. No need to advise. Those who grieve in their grave have seen your advice, and if you are just concretely sure of the value of advice, tell the attending physician or a person in a similar position. But not close.

Don't tell me how hard it hit you, how the story hit you, because it hit them harder and they don't care how you feel right now.

Support, and if you do not know what to say, be silent. Maybe people just need to talk.

Suffering - outward

Here is your opportunity to pour out the painful. Listener candidates are people from your own or larger circle. You can tell them how scared you are, because your family also has a history of cancer and you live under the sword of Damocles, or you can tell them how you cried all night and cannot get this tragedy out of your head. All advice goes there too. Not because they will help people from your and large circles, but simply to express them to those whom they will not warp.

Of course, if you happen to be in the central circle (I hope not), you can whine, complain, grumble about fate, ask "why me ?!" and curse the injustice of this world as much as your heart desires. This is perhaps the only plus of this situation.

The principle will work for any crisis: medical, legal, romantic, even existential.

Support - inward, suffering - outward.

Have you ever supported people in difficult life situations? How did you do it?