19 harsh truths that will teach you how to win

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Web designer and author Paul Jarvis wrote an action guide for learning how to win in life. And then I decided to share it with everyone.

Like any other person on the planet, I have good periods in my life, and sometimes the whole world is against me. And while I hate self-help advice (in the form of quotes underneath my Instagram photos), I sometimes need to cheer up. Most of the time, to get out of the swamp (and my brain has a penchant for science and math), I need to detonate a logic bomb in front of my nose.

This will be a long article. If you find it in your inbox and already think what this bullshit is, then just delete it. If you are reading this post in a browser window and you see how slowly the scrollbar is progressing, because it is still far from the end, close the tab and return to the collection of tips and tips.

Are you still here? Nothing, all unnecessary ones will be eliminated using points 1, 4 and 8.

The rest are welcome! It's time to move on!

This guide works when there is shit going on in life. Someone writes nasty things in the comments? Read this post. Is someone demanding a refund for a product you've been working on for five years, and still nagging? Read the article. Did you get fired, did your client leave? Read this post. The zombie apocalypse? Well then, stock up on food and weapons. Then read this post.

1. People get offended all the time

We hold on to our beliefs. We love to talk about how wide our views are, and we ourselves find fault with other people over trifles. Drivers who can barely crawl along the road (who pick up speed when the road widens to two lanes), seventeen-year-old yoga instructors (who talk about the meaning of life in the first 45 minutes of an hour-long class), authors who stir up controversy on the Internet (like me), people who swear or clog up social media feeds …

Take it for granted that no matter what you do, someone may be unhappy with it. And will be.

This does not mean that you need to stop going about your business. Just don’t be surprised when someone tells you that they are offended.

2. If someone is offended by you, then he noticed you

Before you get discouraged about someone dumping a bunch of dirt, understand: this person took the time and spent it on giving you their opinion. He found you, noticed and appreciated the product you made. Well, yes, he hates you. But you wasted his time because he wastes minutes talking about his hatred.

Even if you don’t answer (and you don’t have to), you won. He doesn't want to know anything about you, but you're already on his radar. And then, if someone expresses dissatisfaction, this is the maximum that can happen. Life goes on, the Earth still turns, someone was offended, and you became smarter.

More tragic scenario: Someone is complaining about you in public. This is also not so scary, because people pay attention only to what concerns them personally. Therefore, public sensors and Twitter feeds will quickly forget about you.

We go crazy thinking that we will be hated. Especially when we do something for people and put it on the Internet. You better understand that while several people are scolding you, the rest are silently downloading your work. Or they even buy, which is even cooler.

3. When you are not noticed, it's bad. But this is the order of things

If no one hates you, then no one cares about you. If you need attention for confidence, a sense of your own worth, or, it's scary to imagine, in order to make money on this, understand that you will not receive it instantly. The people you yourself pay attention to were once in your place. They worked hard to get others to listen to them.

And one more thing: if no one is looking at you, you are truly free.

Dance in your underwear. Write to the table for yourself. Swear like you've just returned from a sale of obscene words. Find yourself. Not in ways that matured hippies do, absorbing pasta and meditating in an ashram, but in ways that will help separate important things from unimportant ones. Do something just because you feel like it. Lay the foundation for the confidence that will soon come.

4. People will judge you no matter what you do. Because they love to judge

Fear makes you worry about what others will think. The question of whether people will condemn you is not even worth it, because they will definitely. People love to pose as judges, and sentences are scary.

True story: I just got an invitation to an event, read it and immediately thought it sucked. I even said out loud: "Fucking hippies!" I was invited to the party to dance, eat organic local produce, drink rose wine, take pictures with people who wear dreadlocks, body art, and hugs all the time. Should others skip a party just because I won't go there? No. Is the party going to be horrible because I don't have a high opinion of the hippie hangout? They wanted to spit on me. They are going to drink their wine (perhaps from bowls that they themselves carved from wood, talking to fairies), dance all night and have a full blast.

So that's it. Don't do like me. Do like these hippies. Not literally, of course (although who knows), but you understand me.

Look at things from this angle: if you do something or do not do something, someone will judge you anyway. Even if you are afraid and do nothing at all, you will receive a portion of criticism. And if there is no difference, maybe it's worth doing something? Thus, even if you criticize yourself, you will at least begin to sleep peacefully at night (tired of wine and dancing - in a figurative sense). And everyone else who tries to condemn you, you can politely send the forest.

It is important for us what others say. But it is dangerous to value someone else's opinion above your own.

As the importance decreases, the list should look like this:

1. Your opinion about yourself.
2. Someone's opinion of you.

There should be a huge distance between the first and second points.

5. Fortunately, judgment and respect are two different things

Condemnation and respect are not the same thing. People may think you're an asshole, but they appreciate it. People may absolutely disagree with you, but recognize your merits.

And vice versa. You can be considered a decent and pleasant person, but at the same time not a bit respectful. It is customary to wipe your feet about pleasant people. Disgusting, but what to do. On the other hand, no one will wipe their feet on a person who commands respect.

6. If you respect yourself, others will start to respect you

In a world where everyone strives to offend and judge you, it is damn hard to respect yourself. But it is necessary.

First of all, figure out what you respect yourself for, and others will soon start doing the same. This is because people behave like sheep in a flock. They see someone acting in a certain way and they start chanting. Like millions of lemmings and hamsters. Derek Sivers, speaking at TED, how one guy started dancing and everyone picked up his moves (or maybe he just drank rose wine). And if you respect yourself - loudly and proudly - chances are the others will too. And if not, you will have a whole bag of self-esteem, which is cool.

7. Self-esteem and self-confidence are very, very different concepts

Self-esteem means knowing exactly what you are ready to do and what you are not ready to do. This is your honor and dignity. This is the line that you draw to understand your place in life and appreciate what you have done.

Self-respect does not give you privileges and additional rights. Slow down, dude!

Overconfidence is when you think you are worthy of something. You only deserve self-respect and an adequate assessment of others. To achieve the rest, you need to work hard. And even then, not everything goes as you want. It's just that the card didn't go well.

Insolence is the fastest way to lose respect. The world does not revolve around you. You don't deserve anything that you haven't earned. You need to start small and grow, invest in development. You can't just take and become famous or earn money on what you love to do. The world works according to a different scheme, and I am glad of that.

Ashton Kutcher was right when he said: “The way to a good life is to work hard, be smart, considerate and generous. The only thing that can be below your dignity is not to work."

Self-respect does not mean that you deserve something or that you are better than others. This does not mean that you can afford not to take risks (as we all do) and not to wonder where your actions will lead.

8. Someone who does not respect you, you do not need

So you've uploaded your self-esteem. And I realized that self-confidence is rubbish. And some people still don't want to respect you.

The best reaction to these people is: as long as they don't bother you, don't give a damn about them. They will not support your work and will not help you become a better person. Get rid of them as quickly and quietly as possible. Otherwise, they will hang on you like a dead weight and prevent you from moving towards victory.

Until they harm, ignore it. People who do not respect you should not be allowed even close to their lives. This is not your audience, not your flock, not your clients. They are not needed at all.

9. You only need those who respect and appreciate you

If you exclude trolls and assholes from life, there will be two categories of people in the world: who know nothing about you and who value you. The former can be ignored until you need to win the attention of the audience. Then you have to tell them about your existence.

The second are your people. The most important to you on the planet. They don't just pay attention to you, they are interested. They need to be treated like royalty. Work for them, be generous with them, and make sure they know how much you value them.

10. Even shy people, introverts and “not like everyone else” can be confident

I am a strange little one who is afraid of everything in the world, does not like crowds and adores loneliness. I'm definitely not your typical extrovert.

I am confident in myself, and not because I am selfish (okay, a little because of this), but because I try to do something, make mistakes and learn. I've spent my whole life learning how to do a couple of things (and I'm still working on it). You, too, can gain confidence in this way. This requires work and study.

You don't have to be loud to be sure. Sometimes the most confident person in a room can only say three phrases in an entire evening. But when he speaks, everyone else shut up and listen.

To be sure, you don't need to tell everyone and everyone how much you know. Confident people are aware of their knowledge, and they do not need to prove anything. They share experiences when appropriate or when asked. And they do it in such a way as to help themselves.

A confident person is not someone who jumps around the stage, shouting platitudes and waving their arms. I'm betting $ 100,500 million that he just doesn't feel confident. A confident person can be quiet, reserved, and knowledgeable when to slow down.

11. Don't worry as if tomorrow is the end of the world

Stress and worries are your daily reality.

If you spend your nerves on everything and everyone, you will soon be left completely without them, or, even worse, you will get into nervous debts. There will be no time left, you will spend it on trifles and insignificant people, circumstances will control your life and bury all your undertakings in the ground.

If you pay attention to something unimportant too often, then this is a signal that not everything is in order with your life. We must look for ideas and people who are worthy of your nerves.

Don't waste yourself on little things that you can't control and on people who don't deserve it. For example, the trolls. And a long line at the cashier is not worth a single nerve cell. You better meditate.

If you can hold on to your emotions and make a reserve, you will have something to react to when you really need it. Take care of your nerves! Hold the negative until the moment when you really need to throw it out.

12. You can worry about important things

When something or someone really matters, a few nerve cells and strong expressions can be expended. Give out emotions when required, otherwise they will devalue and you will turn into a cynic. There is only a very small group of people and ideas for which I am willing to risk. And I am ready to spend my worries on them, because I made a reserve like a squirrel for the winter.

13. Calmness and apathy are not the same thing

Apathy is the indifference you feel about unimportant things. Calmness is the ability not to attach importance to things that do not deserve it. This needs to be pondered, and it needs to be understood.

Calmness is a character trait similar to willpower. Apathy is a lack of feelings.

14. Greatness comes when you're okay with stupidity

Nobody knows what to do.

Experts, thought leaders who seem to have everything in the world - there are too many opinions to consider to decide what will lead to success and what will not. And the whole difference between successful people and losers is that the former did god knows what and continued to do until some of it worked. And then they wrote a bestseller about how they achieved success, as if they all this time knew what they were doing. And they got even cooler. Such a cycle.

Doing something new and unknown is always scary. And no one can guarantee the result. You need to get up, pull yourself up and take a step. Sometimes it turns out to move forward. And sometimes the laces get tangled and you fall face down.

The most successful people aren't afraid to look stupid when they try to do something. They think about what will turn out, and not about other people's thoughts at their own expense.

I even found (to my wife's dismay) that I enjoy making a fool of myself in front of the public. I'll tell you a little-known fact: "losers" get more pleasure from life, because they know when to worry and when to sneeze at someone else's opinion, and they have fun drinking their rose wine and dancing with themselves at concerts (or, like me, in the aisles between the aisles in the supermarket).

15. We are all strange, abnormal, different

And you too. Take advantage of this. The only way to stand out is to be weird, crazy. Otherwise, you will merge with the crowd.

Understand what sets you apart from others, even if it's hard to do. All the people you admire and take an example from do just that. They have all embraced their own characteristics and are using them as virtues.

No one has achieved fame and success simply by being like everyone else.

And those who seem normal just pretend. Well, or you just don't know them well. Everyone has their own cockroaches. We are all freaks. That's why life is so interesting.

16. Give up the boundaries that other people have set

If they say to you: “Don't do it, it won't work,” - understand that these words concern them, not you. People act with the best of intentions, but their advice is based on personal experience, their choices, and all sorts of bullshit.

Set your boundaries and recognize only them. Don't want to answer calls and emails from your boss after 11 p.m. and on Saturdays? Well, don't answer.

Boundaries are like self-respect. Most people would be happy if you stayed within the framework, because they came up with them. Let them know that you are not happy with this state of affairs. From this you will not become an asshole, but a strong personality and a respected person.

Never let anyone set a frame. Because these will be other people's attitudes, not yours, and you will have to follow someone's lead.

17. Be honest with yourself. Know who you are and who you are not

When you gain self-esteem and create your own boundaries, you learn a lot about yourself, so you can define who you are. But be honest about this. First with myself, then with others.

Being honest is so much easier when you play the role you want. Being honest is easier and ultimately more interesting.

18. You can be honest without being rude

Feel the difference between situations: clearly express your opinion about something or behave like a ram. If you do not like someone or something, do not swear. Sometimes being honest is just to shut up and walk by. To become a great person, you don't always have to win. Sometimes you need to make others feel like winners. Sometimes it's better to be a nice person than to be right.

Honesty does not give you the right to flutter your tongue with impunity, ending your speech with the words: "Yes, I just wanted to tell the truth!" No, you were just rude. Do not do like this.

Even other boors do not like boors. If you are rude, you will die alone, surrounded by 17 cats, which there will be no one to feed.

To understand when you're honest and when you're just being rude, think first and speak later. Otherwise, instead of words, you risk giving out a stream of abuse. If you notice such a flaw in yourself, take a five-second pause before starting a conversation. The pause works wonders.

19. The less you expect, the more successful you will become

The Bhagavad-gita, a mega-wise and old Hindu book, says: "We are worthy of work, not the fruits of it." Deep and truthful thought.

Don't start a business just because you want to be rewarded. Start because you want to do it. It's like writing a book because you want to publish a bestseller. Nobody can guarantee you such a result. You have to write a book because you want to write. With this approach, regardless of further developments, you will have already completed the task.

Focus on what you are doing as if the outcome does not matter.

All the points listed above are worthless without your attention. Attention to others, to your nerves and, most importantly, to yourself. You alone are responsible for your life, start to dispose of it yourself.

Like this. Nineteen challenging, invigorating tips to help you win. Now stop reading collections on the Internet and go to work.