How to stop being ashamed of your body

What is the essence of the problem

In human society, there is a subconsciously perceived standard of beauty, which is possibly associated with evolutionary advantage. The symmetry of the face and body speaks of good genes and health in general, large eyes and children's facial features evoke sympathy due to parental instinct, a certain ratio of hips and waist in women shows the ability to bear and give birth to healthy offspring. So the problem is attracting a partner? Here is what psychologist Oleg Ivanov says about this.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

Often lonely people are unhappy with their appearance. And in this they most often see the reason for failure on the personal front. Unfortunately, these are the most common and most misleading judgments. We forget the simple truth: attraction is illusory.

There are many ugly people around, and they live happily, fall in love, create families and give birth to children. Moreover, in today's world, a sense of humor, caring, understanding and common interests can be much more valuable qualities than a symmetrical face and big eyes.

Appearance matters when looking for a partner, but does not determine success. Perhaps it's not a matter of finding a mate, but a fear of social disapproval.

We are embarrassed because we are afraid of negative statements about ourselves from others, relatives, colleagues. In this case, any, even the most innocent injection from the side causes resentment and tears. And this is due to low self-esteem and picky about oneself.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist

Understand that the thought that you are ugly is just a thought. Let it arise from day to day and already feel like the truth. The problem is not with your figure, the shape of your face or the structure of your legs, the problem is with this thought, and it is with it that you need to fight.

We will show you a way to change your attitude towards yourself, broken down into several stages. Each stage takes about a week, but if you feel that you have not made much progress in the allotted time, then spend as much as necessary in one stage.

How to solve the problem

1. Become aware of it

Usually people consider their shortcomings obvious, but at the same time their behavior is not entirely conscious. This week is dedicated to realizing negative thoughts about your body.

Go to the mirror, look at your reflection, and note the negative thoughts about your appearance that arise in your head. Also pay attention to non-verbal habits that reflect shame for your body and that you unknowingly repeat from day to day: pull in your stomach, lower your shoulders to appear lower, or remove your cheeks before taking pictures.

Notice thoughts that arise, for example, when you start comparing yourself to other people, forbid yourself to wear what you like or eat what you want. You can memorize thoughts or write them down in a notebook.

This is only preparation for the real work, but it is important. To solve a problem, you must first fully understand it.

Whenever an offensive thought about your appearance comes to mind, ask yourself if you could tell your best friend or child? This exercise will help you understand how cruel you are to yourself.

2. Change your mental patterns to neutral

It is difficult to change your mind abruptly from "I am terribly ugly" to "I am beautiful."If you've hated your body for a long time and are used to scolding yourself, try to be neutral first. For example, instead of “I look fat in this dress” or “I’m a terrible shit,” you might say, “I don’t feel confident in this dress.”

At this time, do not participate in any conversations regarding the discussion of appearance - yours or someone else's. If everyone in the company starts talking about how they want to lose weight, gain weight, have plastic surgery, just do not participate or try to change the subject.

Often the problem lies not in ourselves, but in the people around us. Toxic relationships with loved ones who like to point out flaws in the figure at every meeting, as it were, are painful. Try to at least temporarily minimize such communication, until you learn to calmly respond to unpleasant statements addressed to you.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist

You can replace negative thoughts about your appearance with positive thoughts about other qualities. For example, if you are not yet ready to say: "I look great", you can replace the negative thought with "I draw well", "I can listen to people", "It is pleasant to communicate with me."

Focus on your successes, not your failures. Praise yourself for your accomplishments at work, for your newly signed contract, for your successful negotiations. It may be difficult and difficult at first to pull yourself out of the “worthless person” state. But gradually it will become a habit, self-confidence will be added.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist

Stay at this stage until you feel that you have stopped automatically judging people by their appearance and caustically commenting on their appearance.

3. Change neutral thoughts to positive ones

When you have already realized that you are a wonderful person, and have stopped condemning yourself for your appearance flaws, it's time to admit that these are not flaws. Compliment yourself whenever you look in the mirror or take a selfie. Praise yourself for everything that seems beautiful to you, and in the end you will see that beauty.

Complimenting yourself is like buying new glasses. At first they feel strange, but then you get used to it and generally stop noticing them.

An interesting feature: even the ugliest person by general standards will seem wonderful to you if you love him. This also works for oneself. Moreover, other people are very sensitive to such changes. We subconsciously read the self-feeling of the interlocutor, happily communicate with those who are confident in themselves, and avoid those who are withdrawn and secretly hate themselves.

Therefore, by changing the attitude towards yourself, you will change the attitude of other people towards you.

Work not on the body, but on happiness

If you are happy, you look and feel great. This is noticed by all the people around. Therefore, you do not need to work on your body, work to become happy.

The most common advice could be given to people who are ashamed of their appearance: accept yourself as you are. But I will not do that. If a person is dissatisfied with his appearance, then he is dissatisfied with his life, therefore, the way of life needs to be changed.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist

Go to the gym if it makes you happy and enjoyable. A 2009 study, Effects of exercise interventions on body image: a meta-analysis, proved that exercising improves body awareness. Even if you do not have external results (and they will not come immediately), after a few workouts you will like your body more.

Go to workouts that you enjoy, make you feel better, and don't be afraid: you can start playing sports at any age.

Try to exclude from your life anything that upsets, makes you angry, or depresses you. If you don't like work, leave it. Work takes half your life, and you can always find something better, if not in terms of salary, then certainly in terms of peace of mind and pleasure.

Get away from people who are bored with you, who don't appreciate and understand you. Among millions, you will definitely find yourself real friends with whom you want to share your life.

You are beautiful when you are happy. Work on it.