How to reclaim your sexuality

I often come across - in everyday conversations, mass media - the idea that a person's sexuality is attached to another person. That there is no sexuality in itself, it always belongs to another person or is directed at him or his image. Because of this idea, deeply rooted in the minds of people, problems arise.

In any incomprehensible situation - masturbate

The main problem is unwanted sex. Do you know the feeling that your partner wants sex and you don't, or vice versa? Usually it is prescribed in this case to fulfill the desire of the other. Although this desire may not even be a desire for intimacy with this particular person. And then sex inevitably turns into masturbation. A living person.

I have been on both sides of the process. A person who has been used for satisfaction and someone who has used others. Within the framework of individual games, by mutual consent and agreement, such a donation of one's body to another is quite normal. In other cases, this can lead to physical pain, fear of intimacy, a sense of being used, distrust, alienation.

Any sexual activity, in my opinion, is justified only when all participants want what is happening.

And the universal solution to many cases of mismatch is masturbation. It's amazing how, even in the most educated circles, many still consider it a necessity in the absence of a partner, and not a full-fledged kind of sex.

Since I discovered that in any incomprehensible situation, for example, with a mismatch of desires, you can always masturbate - nearby or separately - an important thing has happened: sex has ceased to be a duty, but has become the crown of communication, the icing on the cake.

Of course, everything is arranged a little more complicated, and masturbation will not help to work with the fear of rejection, this problem should already be solved with a psychotherapist. But in general, it helps a lot to realize that if you are "itchy", the other person is not necessarily the best solution. I'm not even talking about the fact that masturbation is great for helping you get to know your body better - and share this knowledge with your partner.

Well, absolutely magical things happen when people realize that behind the "desire for sex" is actually a whole bunch of different needs that can be satisfied in different ways, and not only through penetrative sex, and indeed sex in general.

Woman, don't be a sex object

Another side of the question "Who owns sexuality?" - the traditional objectification of a woman. She clearly manifests itself in the opinion that female sexuality = sex appeal. And a woman is not a living person with her will and desires, but an object for the sexual satisfaction of men. And her sexuality is expressed in appearances like heels, bodycon dresses, full lips and red lipstick. In BDSM and fetish culture, their place can be taken by corsets and tight latex suits (in which, I tell you, I personally find it difficult to want anything other than taking them off) and so on, which are designed to please the male eye.

Moreover, from man to man, these elements can change. For example, about six years ago I had a boyfriend who went crazy with fingers with a French manicure on his penis (he peeped and was impressed in porn) and believed that for my own good I absolutely needed to enlarge my breasts by a couple of sizes.

Other boyfriends had very different wishes. And sex is the same. It took me another couple of years to realize that I have the ability to look the way I want, to seek and do in sex what I want. Then from my arsenal of sex disappeared many practices (for example, "deep throat"), which I did just because they made me a cool mistress.

New ones have remained and have appeared - only those that I make out of sincere desire and interest. And my sexuality now is not a set of external characteristics or techniques of a skillful lover, but an internal fire and a desire to flirt and play, enjoy myself and the ability to share it with others.

Praise your partner, but more yourself

The last aspect relates to the idea that having experienced something special about sex with one partner, you are forever chained to him or her. I fell for this bait a couple of times. For example, when a year ago I discovered tantra with one partner, I began to experience a special state of consciousness, in which I completely dissolved in his will and received great pleasure from almost any manipulation. And I fell in love with this state! It seemed to me that only he is capable of such that only with such a "wizard" I can be sexually happy.

It took me a couple of weeks and a couple of experiments with other partners to understand: I have learned to create a new state in which I can experience similar sensations with any of my other partners if there is trust. This allowed me to reappropriate my sexuality.

Yes, he was my guide and teacher, but he did not do something to me, but I learned something. He's great, but my knowledge belongs to me.

Another striking situation happened just a couple of weeks ago. Over the past few months, I have had a difficult relationship with my own sexuality: painful experiences associated with work (do not be surprised, sexuality is closely intertwined with other areas of life). I directly felt how little sexual energy I had. More precisely, she came to visit for a short while, then to hide from me.

And after the victorious match between Russia and Spain in the center of Moscow there was such a powerful concentration of love, violent emotions and sexual charge that they began to pull me out of the "coma". A handsome English engineer who suddenly turned up immediately melted the ice in a couple of hours of smart conversation. The hugs and kisses that followed released my heat! I turned into a playful, lustful tomboy. God, how I missed this shamelessness of mine. And again there was a fleeting feeling as if the whole point was that the flight engineer had “conjured up something special”.

The very next day I realized: no, it's not about the man again. More precisely, he was at the right time in the right place, but what woke up in me is mine, not his.

I clearly remember this magical feeling in the following days, when, walking along the streets of the city or meeting with friends, I was overwhelmed by this inner heat of mine. My darling. And this feeling of possession of powerful internal energy (which, by the way, can be spent not only on sex, but also on flirting, kissing, touching, on creativity, in the end) so liberates and reminds of your own strength!

What am I doing? Own your sexuality, enjoy it, and only have sex when you really want it. And teach this to your partners. And then you will have a little more freedom and joy.