How to get to work on Tinder: what to do if online dating is no longer fun

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Maybe you're dating burnout and it's time to practice an intuitive approach to dating.

Dating apps were designed to make it easier for us to find partners. Moreover, it is essential: you do not need to talk to people you like on the street and in public places, you don’t need to use the services of matchmakers and marriage agencies, you don’t even have to leave your room. I spent a couple of evenings with the questionnaire, chose the one or the same one - and that's it, enjoy life.

Only in reality everything looks different. People sit in dating services for months or even years, but never find anyone suitable. At least for a long-term and serious relationship. As a result, instead of joy, applications bring fatigue, frustration, and at the same time addiction. A special term has even appeared for this condition: dating burnout.

What are the reasons for dating burnout?

Can't find the right partner

Maybe a person's requirements are unrealistic, or maybe everything is in order, but that's just not lucky. As a result, he loses hope and leafs through the questionnaires without any confidence that he will be able to find someone.

Apps take a lot of time and effort

It would seem that I sat for 5 minutes at breakfast, 15 minutes on the subway, another 7 minutes in the queue for coffee at work - but in the end, a decent "amount" runs up. In the UK, it is estimated that millennials are running How Long are British Millennials Spending on Dating Apps? in dating applications about 10 hours a week. Statistics, of course, do not pretend to be universal, but they reflect the trend well. Dating services really take time and effort. It's almost like doing a couple of hours a day as a part-time job.

And this is if we talk only about searches and correspondence. With some “matches,” you still manage to get out on a date, and these encounters are not always successful. But they also have to spend time, money and energy, both physical and emotional.

Dating services play with the dopamine system

The neurotransmitter dopamine is responsible for the feeling of anticipation and pleasure from it. It is thanks to him that we watch one video after another on TikTok, crave likes and buy things that are not really needed, but promise to give happiness. Dating applications also exploit this human weakness to the fullest.

Each swipe, each new profile gives hope: "What if this is the same one?" Likes, compliments and “matches” provoke the “victim” even more, bringing it literally to euphoria and making it sit in the application for hours. If hopes come true, great. And if not, the person is covered with frustration and fatigue.

But he is not able to give up the search, since he is already a little dependent on the process - and in the end he resembles a donkey that keeps running and running after the carrot tied in front, but cannot get it in any way.

Fear of missed profit makes it difficult to abandon searches

It is also called FOMO (fear of missing out). This is a condition that makes us constantly afraid of missing out on something important: an interesting event, a lucrative offer, a suitable partner. And as a result, we live with a chronic feeling of anxiety. FOMO is spurred on by social media and other online services, including dating. Even if we can't find the right person, we still don't delete the application, because "what if."

How to recognize dating burnout

Here are the main "symptoms".

1. You treat the app like a job

The search for a partner is no longer pleasing or inspiring, but is perceived as a heavy exhausting routine: “I don’t want to, but I have to.”

2. You've lost hope

You look at your prospects with pessimism. You are almost certain that you will never meet anyone. And in general, that all these dating services are needed only to siphon off time and money, and in fact no one finds a pair there.

3. You swipe but don't communicate

It is as if you no longer want to look for someone. Therefore, you mechanically leaf through the questionnaires, but do not start a conversation and in no way strive to continue your acquaintance.

4. You communicate with people you don't like

Maybe you're just texting, or maybe even dating. Not because you want to or because you like the person, but just for show.

5. You are using several applications at once

Even if you come across the same people there.

6. You go on a date like an execution

You feel anxious, as if you are going to an exam rather than a romantic date.

Dealing with Dating Burnout

The most obvious solution is to take a break from internet dating, at least temporarily. Remove such applications from the device, do not go to sites. But this requires willpower, and if addiction has already formed, it will be difficult.

Psychotherapist Julia Bartz suggests following the concept of “intuitive dating”. It is somewhat reminiscent of intuitive (or conscious) nutrition, when a person analyzes his needs for food and the sensations of what he eats. Only here, of course, it's not about food, but about relationships. Here are the basic steps for “intuitive dating”.

1. Set limits

Determine how much time per day you are willing to spend on dating apps. Let this period not exceed 20-30 minutes. If you lack awareness, install an application that limits the time spent on certain sites and services.

2. State your desires

Make a rough portrait of a partner whom you would like to see next to you, outline the nature of the relationship that should develop between you. Maybe you are focused on marriage and having children, you want to travel around the world together with a backpack on your shoulders and not get attached to anything, or plan to meet once every couple of weeks.

Agree with yourself that you will try to find just such a partner with whom your interests and goals coincide, and you will not waste your time on people who categorically do not fit into this portrait. Determine what requirements you are willing to sacrifice if you meet a nice person, and what - definitely not.

3. Listen to your feelings

Here you are reading a stranger's profile, looking at his photo, throwing messages with him. Take a break and ask yourself what emotions this person evokes in you, if he matches the portrait you are looking for. Take your time, do not flip through the questionnaire thoughtlessly - listen to your own feelings. The same goes for a personal meeting: try to get to know the person better, do not force the development of relations until you are sure that everything suits you.

If you are uncomfortable with a new acquaintance, if you see strong discrepancies with your vision of an ideal partner, it makes sense not to start communication or interrupt it gently and politely when it has already begun.