7 ways to turn a conflict situation into a useful opportunity

Imagine that conflicts are not dead ends, but doors leading to new opportunities. Tools to discover unexplored territories and new thinking patterns. That defending oneself and blaming the other is not at all the main thing. To learn how to see conflicts this way, use Buster Benson, author of Why We Scream. The Art of Effective Discord”.

1. Make sure you and your opponent are arguing about the same thing

It happened that in the midst of a dispute with someone the thought occurred to you: “The person simply does not understand what it is about”? It is quite possible that this is so. Even knowing the subject of the dispute, the interlocutor may well not realize why it is so important to you.

Slow down for a minute and think about what this dispute is about, from your point of view: about the veracity of something (there are facts that can be verified), about the importance of something (something meaningful to you personally), about the usefulness (there is a situation, from which may have different outputs). And make sure you and your opponent are arguing about the same thing.

2. Monitor your emotional state

First of all, for bursts of anxiety, when it seems that they are threatening something that is not indifferent to you. It is at such moments that the dispute becomes personal and it is very easy to move on to unproductive patterns of behavior - self-defense and judgment.

We often blindly succumb to emotions or, conversely, try to suppress them, but both options only harm. See anxiety spikes as road signs that will lead you to a wiser decision. Try to understand why the things associated with them are so important to you, and protect them.

3. Speak only for yourself

When you rely on your own experience, your words are almost impossible to dispute. But when you start to speak for other people, anyone can object or doubt your arguments. And you are very likely to exaggerate, simplify information, or slip into stereotypes. And definitely weaken your position in the dispute.

Therefore, build your speech from your own experience. If someone else's experience is really important to your reasoning, find a way for the person to talk about it personally.

4. Find the roots of disagreement

If you don't try to figure out the reason, but focus only on the facts, the argument is no longer productive. The roots of the problem still remain in place.

Ask your interlocutor open-ended questions, find out why he started arguing at all (“This is clearly important to you, help me understand why”). Look for the root cause of the disagreement, rather than trying to resolve the situation as quickly as possible.

5. Look for ghosts

Imagine for a moment that ghosts exist. If you believe it, you will begin to notice things that you didn’t pay much attention to before (a sudden touch of cold air on your skin, creaky floorboards), and give it new meaning.

Try to incorporate this kind of thinking into arguments. Look at the case from someone else's point of view, even if at first it seems absurd to you. Chances are, you will notice things that you would otherwise have missed or dismissed as irrelevant. This will help you better understand your opponent.

6. Change the environment

The environment strongly influences the tone of the conflict. Try to keep your argument in a neutral environment. Think about whether everyone is willingly listened to, whether it is possible to leave at any time, whether a change of opinion is perceived normally.

If the conditions in the workplace are inappropriate and you need to resolve the conflict with someone, go for a walk and talk on the go. If this is not possible, call by phone, just do not settle the matter in correspondence.

7. Strive for aporia

We used to think that winning an argument is very pleasant. But there is an even more pleasant feeling - the understanding that up to this point you have misrepresented the road to truth. In Greek philosophy, this state is called aporia.

Remember, it's not always important to arrive at the right answer. In disputes, we realize that we do not know everything and sometimes we are wrong. These conversations change and unite people. They may not bring victory, but they make us wiser.