Why We Still Believe That Female Friendship Doesn't Exist

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

It's time to say goodbye to another gender stereotype forever.

What are stereotypes about female friendship associated with?

It is not enough in culture

As a phenomenon, female friendship is less familiar than male friendship, and not so long ago began to occupy a significant place in the cultural space. The vast majority of books in the history of mankind are written about men and for men. The woman is most often a secondary character who is revealed through a connection with the heroes. She is a lover, mother, daughter, sister. There is no time for friendship.

With cinema, things are about the same. Almost half of the films made in 1888–2019 failed Beckdel's gender bias test on at least one point, and there are only three of them. First, it is necessary that the work has two heroines with names. Secondly, that they talk to each other. Thirdly, so that the conversation is not about men.

People tend to overlook things that they rarely encounter. Legendary male friendship is a very common plot. Everyone knows Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, three musketeers and three comrades. And two familiar women most often appear in the plot, only to quarrel over the main character.

The situation is gradually changing. That only is "Sex and the City". The four girlfriends talk mostly about men for six seasons without ever bothering viewers.

[bquote type = »review» name = »Galya» pic = »» about =’Stereotypes about female friendship began to amaze me at school. They did not describe my experience at all. Rivalry over guys? Intrigues, scandals, investigations? Terrarium of like-minded women? In cinema and literature, I saw them, but in life - not really.

In my first school, where no one followed bullying, there were 10 girls and 18 boys in the class, and they were about equally toxic. And when I moved to another school, there were 30 female students and three students in my class. And we have always had a friendly atmosphere. All were divided into groups of interests, and the rest were treated calmly and benevolently. It was the same at the philological faculty, where most of the students are girls.

When I chat with my friends, unicorns do not always jump on the lawns and eat rainbows. Friendship is a relationship between people. And people are complex and different, and friendships can also be complex and different. Nevertheless, my closest and most trusting relationships have always been with women. They understand my experience better, more often share my views. I am safer with them both physically and psychologically. And I still meet stereotypical ideas about female friendship more on the screen than in real life.

Women are offered different priorities

Society believes that friendship is not even among the top 10 women's needs. Finding any husband, having children, keeping the sink and toilet clean - that is. Better yet, work in parallel full time and build a successful career. At least the aunt at a festive dinner is unlikely to ask her niece if she has found real friends.

Historically, as women's commitments to family life increase, their other relationships tend to suffer or disappear altogether. Back in the 18th century, American writer Lucy Orr described marriage as the curse of female friendship. Often, due to work and housework, there is simply no time left to meet with friends.

In addition, society and loved ones may condemn a woman for spending time outside the family. Sometimes everything becomes quite scary: in the Perm Territory, the wife went to a friend's birthday party, and the husband threw their one-year-old child into a baby-box. The father was nothing for this, and the mother was threatened with a fine for improper performance of parental duties.

Under these circumstances, female friendships often exist in a guerrilla format rather than going to the bar every Friday. Which doesn't make her any less real.

Internal misogyny is triggered

In a patriarchal society, a woman is perceived as an inferior person, moreover, women themselves. Therefore, many of them emphasize that they are friends only with men. Like, it's more interesting with them, not like with "these klugs." This is a defensive reaction, an attempt to break away from the discriminated stratum and approach the privileged. But it doesn't work. But it creates a bad reputation for female friendship.

It is also important here that a man in a patriarchal society remains a resource. And you have to fight for resources. Therefore, women who accept these conditions see other competitors. Often, a suspicious attitude towards persons of the same sex is brought up in the family, when the girl is warned that the others cannot be trusted, otherwise they will certainly take the man away.

This is easily played by abusers who methodically cut off victims from the social circle. It is enough to repeat for a while that a friend does not wish you well, but simply envies and wants to ruin the relationship, and now there is no friend.

However, many women have recovered from their gender hatred or have never experienced it and are great friends.

For me, female friendships are far less ambiguous than inter-sex friendships. Neither side will be confused by the possible romantic context. I have many friends, and we have been friends with someone since high school, that is, scary to say, for 15–20 years. We got close to someone not so long ago, in the process of work.

I love that adult friendships are very diversified. With Katya (she is an entrepreneur in the film industry) we are talking about business and art, with Olya (a psychologist at a center for addicts) - about the work of the brain and psychology, with Yulia - we are just discussing guys. We also have a “femkruzhok” with Katya and Anya - a chat for mutual support, ethical discussions, exchange of interesting facts, useful links and for discussing guys, of course.

When they tell me that female friendship does not exist, I do not understand what it is about. And I think that if it were not for her, I would have lost my main interlocutors and partners in the shipwreck.

Special cases apply to the entire female gender

Let's be fair, sometimes people betray, substitute, take their loved ones away. But it doesn't depend on the gender. However, it is with regard to women that for some reason it is customary to make strange generalizations. It is unlikely that someone who was thrown by a man - a business partner, says: "That's it, no more business with the men." No, they just delete the scammer from life. If the man behind the wheel has demolished the pole, then it is the driver's hands with the wrong end inserted. And if a woman - then these women do not know how to drive, and all of a sudden all at once. When a friend took his wife away, he is a rascal. And when a friend slept with her husband, then female friendship does not exist.

People are quite complex. Even the same person can be a traitor in some ways and a loyal companion in others. So it is better to put off the common comb, it is unhygienic and rather stupid.

Why is there still a female friendship

If you suddenly doubt whether it exists, then tie it. Science has already decided and not only recognizes its existence, but has been researching it for a long time. Moreover, if there is any behavior conditioned by nature, then women are simply created to be friends. For them, it is a defense mechanism in a stressful situation, along with "fight or flight". It is thought to be linked to the release of the hormone oxytocin, which encourages women to team up and interact with other women - for example, to take care of babies together or to fight off abusers.

Anya

Ksenia, Dasha and Aliya, the four of us studied in the same group at the university and somehow immediately became friends. Couples walked together in the cafeteria, waited in line to the only copier in the library, prepared for exams and wrote spurs. What can I say: until now, my main mail is the one that Ksyu started for me in the first year, when I still did not have the Internet at home. It has been 10 years since we received our diplomas. We all now live in different cities: Aliya stayed in Saratov, Dasha and I moved to Moscow, Ksyusha to St. Petersburg. We meet once or twice a year.

We are the best baggage that the university has given us. This phrase has long been our motto. We didn't have any heartbreaking stories with guys carving up or something like that, no one saved anyone from anything. But in the piggy bank there are a lot of warm and funny memories, over which you can neigh at a meeting, and our cozy chat room for four, where you can always complain about a guy, colleagues or neighbors, talk about painful things, ask for advice without fear of condemnation. We matured together, we have largely similar views on what is happening in the country. We read the same books. And if one of us advises something, you need to take it, because you will definitely like it.

How women's friendship differs from men's

Women tend to invest more in friendly same-sex relationships: they regularly call, meet more often. This connection is largely based on mutual support and the exchange of emotions. Therefore, women often have higher expectations from friends. They are more disapproving of cheating, surprise visits, or lack of public support.

Men don't have such a need to stay connected. Their relationship is more practical and based on mutual services and shared pastime. They receive emotional support mainly from the opposite sex. It is with the relative closeness of men that the frequent presence of alcohol at friendly meetings is associated. It's easier to be less restrained and express feelings this way.

At the same time, the researchers emphasize that male and female friendships have more similarities than differences. And there are many options for relationships - friendly, friendly, comradely - for some and for others.