12 things my husband and I have been together for 26 years

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Common interests, taboos on insults and complete trust can strengthen any union.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

It is much easier to meet a person who will awaken feelings than to maintain a warm relationship for many years. But there are couples who succeed. What helps these people stay together in spite of everything?

We talked to Elena, who has been married for 26 years. She told why daily affection is a necessary ritual, what should not be said even at the moment of a terrible quarrel, and what to do if you feel tired of your partner.

1. Common interests

You and your partner will spend a lot of time together, so it's great if you enjoy similar things. For example, my husband and I met at a disco when we were students, and we still want to go dance and have fun with friends. We also love to walk in the Zhiguli mountains or periodically leave with tents across the Volga. We do not have to persuade each other for this or that kind of leisure or argue which performance to watch.

When we started renovating the apartment, we found that we have similar tastes: we like the same wallpaper, furniture, paintings. This helps to avoid a huge number of conflicts.

But it is impossible to be perfectly similar, so in any case it is necessary to learn to negotiate, discuss and concede. If you feel that some moment is of great importance to a person, but it is not so important to you, you can agree, and not push yourself to the very end from the principle.

2. Desire to be a family

All families have difficult times, but both partners must have a desire to overcome difficulties. Some people think that if the views do not agree, then you should just look for a couple elsewhere - this is how the relationship breaks up. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.

There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband was constantly working. Interests diverged and problems began. I felt that we were separating from each other: I cook at home, and he continues to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.

When my husband and I began to live together, we had mutual claims to each other: he believed that I was giving him little time, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We fought about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this, I would have free time so that we could watch a show together or discuss what had happened during the day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the feelings that rage inside.

If you are a family, you need to agree on how to keep the union and move on.

If you have just started dating and you feel that your eyes are not burning, it may not be worth trying to revive what is not. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, parting is the easiest, but not always the best option. We were on the verge of breaking up: we thought it would be easier to break up. But now I feel special satisfaction and happiness because we have overcome everything and were able to keep the family together.

3. Willingness to discuss intimate life

When we are young and in love, all thoughts are directed towards intimate relationships. Sex can happen anywhere, anytime - passion is so strong. This will change over time, because the daily hustle and bustle takes time and energy. But you can not distance yourself from intimacy because of the workload or taking care of children.

There is a dissonance in many families: one partner needs more sex than the other. So it was with us: my husband often wanted sex. At first, this caused mutual reproaches: in this case, it seems to the man that the spouse does not want intimacy, and the woman feels that he is encroaching on her personal space and does not just allow herself to be with him.

We managed to agree. When a husband has a desire, he speaks directly about it. If I am not ready to share it in full, then we can satisfy the need without much emotion and fireworks. He accepts it and is not offended. If the desire is mutual, then everything happens more emotionally - as far as strength and imagination are enough. As soon as we solved this issue, the relationship went uphill.

In Europe, couples discuss when they are planning to have sexual intercourse during the week. I don't see anything wrong with that, because this is how you can choose a time when each of the partners feels more free and rested to spend the evening with your loved one.

Couples who don't have sex usually say, "We live like neighbors." This is a sign that partners have lost touch and no longer feel close. If something bothers you, talk openly. People are different, and your needs may not be the same. Intimate life needs to be discussed and agreed on what is acceptable to both of you.

4. Expression of tenderness and care

My husband and I openly express our feelings: we hug each other, kiss and say words of love. If I’m tired, then I can easily just walk up and sit on his lap. This does not happen according to a schedule or agreement, but according to need - we have it every day.

Many close people note that in everyday life we are very tender with each other. For some, it touches or surprises. I believe that touch is necessary because it helps to maintain warm and sincere feelings.

I like that I can hug my husband at any time, pat on the head or kiss and he will answer me in kind.

The same goes for care, which should be regular, and not just on holidays or when one of the partners is sick. Our concern manifests itself in simple things: I cook breakfast for my husband, and he takes me to work every morning. Then during the day we call up just to ask how are you doing. If my spouse returns from work at the same time as me, then he will definitely call and ask what my plans are - maybe it is worth picking up me. The daily manifestation of love for each other is simply necessary in order to remain close people for a long time.

5. Support and mutual assistance

After school, I wanted to study to be a psychologist, but this specialty was not available at the universities of my city. I entered the Institute of Culture, but the desire to get a psychological education did not disappear anywhere. My husband knew about this and when the children became independent, he gave me education at a suitable university.

I am very grateful that my husband supported me and helped me master a new specialty, although at that time I was 33 years old and we already had children. It was not possible to periodically send them to my grandmother, because my relatives live in other cities, so my husband helped around the house to make it easier for me to study. This is the expression of support and mutual assistance, which I really appreciate.

6. Trust

It is impossible to create a strong family if you do not trust each other. I never made scandals if my husband was going to a corporate party, fishing or football. To forbid him something would simply be dishonest of me - even at the time when we had children.

I, too, could always say that I want to relax with my friends, dance and have fun. There were no global obstacles on his part. He could say, “Careful. If you stay late, write and call,”but no proceedings.

When people talk about trust, phones are often mentioned. They came into our lives when we were still young, and at first I could take my husband's gadget and open contacts. However, I quickly realized that scouring someone else's phone is stupid. Why look for some compromising evidence and cheat yourself because of every unfamiliar name? The husband works and has many clients, including women. But I believe him, so studying the phone and being jealous is simply pointless.

Jealousy can only be the spice in a relationship if both of you can take it with humor.

For example, your partner stared at a passing girl, you made a joke on this score - and laughed together. If you feel that jealousy causes discomfort and gnaws from the inside, then first assess what exactly causes it. Perhaps your partner is unknowingly giving cause for concern, and you can delicately ask him not to do this.

However, jealousy is often unreasonable - just fantasies that have nothing to do with the intentions of a loved one. In this case, you need to fight only with yourself and your consciousness.

7. Ability to take responsibility for what you do

It is impossible to say with complete certainty that you will never commit unworthy deeds and will be faithful to only one partner for the rest of your life. Anything can happen in family life - do not renounce. The main thing is not to shift responsibility for what you have done to others.

If you were wrong and regret it, then, in my opinion, you should independently cope with all the resulting negative emotions, feelings of shame and thoughts gnawing from within. Saying "I've done some deeds, but I'm very worried and want to be honest with you" is not an option. To be honest in this case is to go through the situation yourself and protect your partner from worries.

Understand yourself and find out what prompted you to cheat, and then do everything to never let this happen again. The desire to be together will win everything. But only on the condition that it is sincere and you are truly sorry.

8. Respect for your wishes and the needs of your partner

If you choose bedding, you can yield to your partner. But when it comes to global decisions, listen to yourself, because they can affect your entire future life. If the children have grown up and the woman wants to work, then you cannot hide this desire behind the baseboard and try to be an exemplary mistress, because her husband likes it so much. It won't help you keep your family and self-confidence.

The same is true for men. If it is important for you to play basketball, then devote time to this and do not overshadow training, because the girl or wife considers sports to be useless. Otherwise, you will feel dissatisfaction that spills over into the family.

When one of the partners is unhappy, it affects both.

9. Ability to talk even about unpleasant things

When young people begin to build relationships, they really want to please each other and do not always express dissatisfaction. As a rule, they begin to share true desires and preferences after the wedding. Here a couple and disassembly and problems overtake. I was also sometimes silent, because it seemed to me that there was no need to tell my partner unpleasant things. But now I understand that this is a mistake: dissatisfaction accumulates and spills out. In a family, one cannot be silent.

To conceal grievances and claims is to launch a time bomb. Imagine that a guy likes chubby girls, and his partner is unhappy with herself. He makes cute jokes like "My bun, pampushechka, here you have folds, tummy", and these words seem to her the most real insults that undermine self-confidence. At first she is silent, and then in an aggressive manner expresses that he considers her fat and ugly. The woman is offended, but the man does not understand what happened: before, after all, everything was in order. Little things like this can lead to serious consequences - from quarrels to breakups.

10. Taboo on insults

We do not know how to quarrel calmly - only with screams and worries. I heard about different practices from the category “Get away from your partner, calm down, and then discuss”, but let's be honest: in real life, emotions are overwhelming and it's already difficult to stop. However, no matter how we feel, our family has a taboo on humiliation and insults.

You can sort things out as much as you like, but you cannot deprive a partner of human dignity.

We have never agreed on this, just both have an understanding that one cannot cross a certain line. Each family has its own: for some, the insulting word is "fool", while others only use foul language. But do not put pressure on pain points and say phrases that will definitely hurt. Relationships can crack, and you won't be able to achieve the same level of trust.

11. Personal space

For many years, people have bored each other. It's okay if you or your partner want to be apart from time to time. Step back for a while and go about your business: watch the show alone, go shopping, or simply spend the evening in separate rooms.

You should not cling to your partner and walk embracing every minute. Giving each other the right to personal space and time is very important for a long, harmonious relationship.

12. Realizing that feelings change over time

At first, your relationship is about passion. You look at your partner through rose-colored glasses, idealize him and want to spend as much time together as possible. But feelings tend to calm down, which means that you will begin to see a person for who he is. At this point, many couples have a desire to divorce.

If you have made the decision to fight for your family and have overcome such a period, then over time you will begin to treat each other with greater care and concern. At one point, you realize that the relationship is very easy to break, but you have a conscious intention to stay with this person, because he has acquired value for you. This is not just a husband or wife, but your life friend - a person on whom you can rely in a difficult period and rely on in any matter. You know that he will not leave you and will overcome difficulties with you. It is not just a marriage, but an exceptional trust that is difficult to experience with someone else.