Why it is sometimes good to be an asshole

How personality traits determine success in life

One of the longest research studies in psychology began 80 years ago. Scientists decided to test the hypothesis that every person is endowed with basic character traits that are inherited and do not change throughout life. But people do a lot of things. How to understand what exactly caused each of them: character traits or what is happening around us?

To do this, psychologists Gordon Allport and Henry Odbert took an explanatory dictionary and began to write out every word related to human behavior. They started Trait-names: A psycho-lexical study. in 1936 and finally 4,500 words were selected. The result is an exhaustive list of all kinds of human qualities. Then they were grouped into categories. For example, "talkative", "talkative", "chatty" fell under the general definition of "talkative". And the "moping", "whining", "self-pitying" were categorized as "". The work took several years.

Based on these materials, psychologist Raymond Cattell singled out The Sixteen Personality Factor Questionnaire. 16 basic character traits that affect human actions. During further research, it became clear that not all of them persist in humans throughout life. By the 1960s, scientists had identified five enduring personality traits that are today called the Big Five.

This is extraversion, openness to new experience, benevolence, consciousness and neuroticism.

These five characteristics do not change The Stability of Big-Five Personality Traits. under the influence of circumstances. They partially determine what decisions a person makes and how much he will succeed in life.

For example, extroverts, on average, experience more positive emotions, have more social connections, and possibly make more money as a result. Conscientious people have better health, they live longer (they probably wash their hands more often). People with high levels of neuroticism suffer from emotional problems and are more likely to get divorced and develop depression. Those open to new experiences are usually characterized by creativity, risk-taking and liberal political views.

But the fifth trait most of all affects professional success - benevolence. More precisely, the lack of goodwill. Simply put, assholes make more money. Sometimes much more.

How it looks in practice

It is very easy to call it another proof of the injustice of the world and complain that it is the cruel ones who always thrive. But, in my opinion, this is a completely immature view of things. Being friendly doesn't mean you're good. And someone who is unfriendly is not necessarily a bad person. In general, I think that a certain number of assholes in the world are simply necessary. And that being an asshole is a valuable life skill.

By being an asshole, I mean a willingness to upset and dislike other people.

Let's take this example: two parties need to make a deal that will generate large profits and will be beneficial to the whole world. Let's say one side has mastered the valuable skill of muddiness, and the other has not. That is, one is ready to call, and the other is not ready. The development of events is quite obvious: the asshole will dictate the interlocutor and agree on the most favorable conditions for himself.

Now let's imagine that both sides don't want to hurt each other. Instead of defending their position, they agree to not the best conditions, just to avoid conflict. Such a deal will not be optimal for anyone. It may not take place at all if both offer conditions that are unsuitable for the other and at the same time are afraid of pressure. In this case, the parties will agree that the deal is impossible, and they will go for a drink in a friendly way (and they will never make money).

There is also a third case when two assholes meet at the negotiating table. Both sides are not at all opposed to upset the interlocutor.

They will not only try to make the conditions as favorable as possible for themselves, they will press even more.

They will deliberately annoy the opponent, because they know that this will tire him, which means that he will give up faster. Oddly enough, it is this unpleasant situation that is most beneficial for everyone. Both parties may be unhappy with the outcome, but the final deal will be optimal for them. Because in the negotiation process, they did their best to achieve ideal conditions.

However, this approach is not held in high esteem. Society despises him because he causes discomfort. But assholes are a necessary part of life. Unless, of course, they stick to.

How to become an ethical asshole

When we say "asshole" we usually think of immoral people. About those who lie, steal and break laws to get what they want. But besides them, there is another type of assholes - ethical. And they are the only ones who can resist immoral assholes.

So if you stick to moral principles, it will be useful for you to develop the skills of an asshole. Some are born with them. They think that people themselves are pretty useless, so they are not afraid to spoil their opinion of themselves. But if you are naturally benevolent, you will have to practice so that you do not wipe your feet on you.

1. Decide what is more important to you than someone else's feelings

In order not to be afraid of upsetting others, you must first understand what is more important to you than their mood. Many people allow feelings (their own and others') to guide their whole lives. They don't even realize it because they stopped thinking about it.

Would you agree to hurt someone's feelings in order to save a dying relative? Probably yes. And to save? Unfortunately, not everyone answers in the affirmative. Well, to help a good cause that you care about? Find what outweighs your fear of disliking someone. This is the first step.

2. Get used to the discomfort

Most nice friendly people think they are nice and friendly because they care about the feelings of others. They say to themselves: "I would never tell her that, because she would be unpleasant." But they lie to themselves. They try not to offend others, because in the process they themselves will become unpleasant. And they hate this.

Only sometimes it is necessary. So learn to put up with your own unpleasant sensations, then it will not be so scary to arouse them in others.

3. Be honest, even when it's hard

We have all been in a situation where we want to say something important, but these words can upset others. We begin to get nervous, to argue with ourselves: to say or not to say? Introduce a new rule: say important things, even if they are unpleasant. Don't get too deep in thought. Trust me, most of the time you will be glad you said it. Moreover, other people will also be happy, albeit not immediately.

The first few times you will be very scared. But soon you will notice that people come up to you one by one and, looking around to see if anyone is listening, they say: “Lord, this should have been said long ago. It’s good that you didn’t keep silent!” Once you start getting this kind of positive response, it’s easier for you to be honest. And this response will not be long in coming, because benevolent people, avoiding discomfort, in social situations, completely rely on ethical assholes.