Personal experience: how I got off antidepressants

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Media expert Alexander Amzin shared his story of dealing with bipolar disorder on Medium. Lifehacker publishes material with the permission of the author.

I am writing this article on a Sunday evening just before New Years. I got up at 7:30 - an hour later than usual. Disassembled mail and file archive. I looked into the hunt a couple of episodes of not at all positive TV series. For an hour and a half I prepared a digest for my channel for three days in advance. I remembered exercising, rocked, using a stool as a bench, waited for my muscles to ache.

Then my wife and I prepared dinner with four hands. If there is time left today, I'll fix the layout of the book that came from the publisher, or I'll meet with friends. I also do exercises every day, though not very actively, just to make my muscles ache.

Two years ago, I could not afford this simple cheerful life. I was diagnosed with real depression, more specifically bipolar disorder. The surges of manic energy were replaced by longer and longer periods of doing nothing. My battery was empty.

In English there is an expression to have too much on my plate. Each person has a metaphorical plate, and there is no way to put it on it anymore. My plate shrank to the size of a tea saucer.

However, there was no appetite to deal with the plate either. There was a hope to accumulate a small charge of energy, or at least wait for the next surge of cheerfulness. I tried to sleep in a dire state. Shut out of life.

Surprisingly, the dire condition did not affect my creativity. I just did everything at the last moment for others. Own affairs were not done, and ideas were not implemented.

Gone is stability. After all, if you are not sure that you can invest every day, there is no point in relying on yourself.

let's agree

• Everything that is stated in this text is purely personal experience.… It will not be completely suitable for anyone. Even me, because two years later I am a completely different person who reads my own diary with detached curiosity. The purpose of this text is to get you to see a doctor, and then gradually develop a program of action.
• You must obey your doctor … You cannot "get off antidepressants" if they have not been prescribed to you. In so many cases, you simply won't make it out without pills or any other prescriptions. If your doctor does not treat you well, find another. It is desirable to have a paid doctor.
• If you are diagnosed with a depressive or similar condition, your doctor is called "psychiatrist", not "psychologist" or "psychotherapist" … He prescribes medications, not asks to talk about childhood. He thinks (usually rightly) that your metabolism is broken. A psychologist and psychotherapist is a support group that may not be present at all in your life. For example, I didn’t go to a psychotherapist. I heard that it helps others.
• If you are “just sad in life”, you should go to the doctor … Just in case. Nature created us vigorous and strong, sad and slow usually did not survive. Fortunately, the conditions for survival are now very mild, so even those who did not have a chance survive. For example, I have type 1 diabetes and would not need any depression to survive in the wild. If you do not have enough strength to live, work and enjoy your own efforts, see your doctor.
• If you have seriously flashed suicidal thoughts, urgently see a doctor.… Never try to talk to a layman. If you are already taking some pills, the urgency doubles - the same antidepressants at some point can increase the desire to commit suicide.
• Psychoactive substances are not the answer, although they can be a tool … Remember, your doctor prescribes medications. You control the rest and consult with the slightest doubt. If I now decide to take something potent without a prescription, I will definitely inform the doctor and in no case violate the prohibitions. For example, two doctors at once forbid me alcohol, which is already a depressant, and I do not drink. But, say, at the request of doctors, I have been drinking a lot of dangerous substances since the mid-nineties, starting with barbiturates at a rather tender age.

Ready? Then let's go.

What is depression like?

Surprisingly, when I was not depressed, I did not understand the meaning of the words used to describe depression. Having experienced it, I believe that any potential patient will recognize this state instantly. The rest will say "pull yourself together, rag." It is impossible to describe, you can only survive. But, like the others, I will try to formulate.

Depression is a condition that destroys your will. To an outside observer, it looks more like laziness with indecision than sadness, with which it is usually compared.

A person does not feel in himself, not just desire - the opportunity to perform even the simplest action. Many healthy people can easily imagine the reluctance to do exercises in the morning, almost turning into impossibility. Now amplify that sensation and apply it to things like getting up, drinking a glass of water, or brushing your teeth.

Since the outside world constantly presses on the patient, constantly forcing him to do certain things, he can withdraw into himself or, on the contrary, be irritable.

All this is often overlaid with various kinds of dependencies. Most often - food (cakes, sweets and fast food provide an apparent burst of energy for a short time) or game (it is much easier to get a sense of progress in the game space than in real life).

I didn’t come to reluctance to drink a glass of water. But it’s easy to spend two hours every day choosing a game that I would like to play, and so do not decide on anything because of disgust - it’s easy. If you recognize yourself in this description, see your damn doctor.

How is depression treated?

Pharmacology aside, all techniques come down to one thing. The doctor, the pill, and some of the simple methods that will be discussed later will give you back the will to live. On the one hand, the desire to do something slowly returns to you. On the other hand, the joy of what has been done.

What's wrong with depression? You cannot do anything. If you don't do anything, you don't get the result. If you don't get the result, you don't get a reward. Having not received a reward, you do not get motivation to move on to the next task. It is a vicious circle, a stranglehold that tightens around your neck.

To untangle the stranglehold, you must carefully and in a controlled manner accustom you to success, no matter how small. Then add some weight, make sure you hold. Yet. Yet. Yet. And so on to the superman. Joke.

Imagine that you live on the left bank of the river, and your target is on the right, just 6 meters away. And you are told that the only way to cross the river is in one jump. You open the encyclopedia and find out that at the end of the 19th century, men learned to jump 7 meters 23 centimeters. You are not a super athlete, but you can jump 6 meters within the limits of a person of the XXI century. But the trouble is, you can't do it the first time. It takes a couple of years to train. No human can jump 6 meters in length without preparation.

It takes a long time to get out of the depths of depression. In the words “the desire to do something is slowly returning”, the key word is “slowly”. Moreover, I have bad news for you (I promise, the only one in this article).

Your depression is likely to be with you for life.

The good news is that it is in your power not to let her loose. The news is even better: the further you go down this path, the easier it is to control your depression.

When is it time to get off antidepressants?

Clearance from antidepressants begins long before the dose is reduced. See how you had it:

• "I do not feel good".
• "I won't go to any doctor."
• I went to the doctor.
• Long diagnostics.
• Long selection of the right drug.
• The drug started to work after a few weeks, and I can feel the difference.
• And here are the side effects.
• YOU ARE HERE.

I have been in this business for a long time and I understand that the article will be read by those who have not yet gone to the doctor. Go to him. Do not make any decisions before going to the doctor and at least five appointments with him, including corrective ones.

Let me tell you how I got to the point "YOU ARE HERE."

The first three points ("not good", "I will not go", "I went"), I seem to have explained in sufficient detail. In my case, a constant decrease in mood manifested itself, but I did not even think about any psychiatrist. I just complained to my epileptologist and got a referral to a psychiatrist.

Each case is unique. The uniqueness of mine consisted of three points at once:

• the habit and need to work hard and productively;
• increased likelihood of depression due to diabetes;
• the drug prescribed by an epileptologist is also prescribed by psychiatrists as a mood normalizer (at the beginning of the journey, I did not know about this). Accordingly, he mitigated any symptoms and should not conflict with what the psychiatrist would prescribe in addition.

Therefore, the psychiatrist and the epileptologist knew each other and were in touch.

Long diagnostics

It took us weeks, if not months, to realize that what we thought was orgasm turned out to be asthma. Rather, the specialist needed to understand whether I was always like that or whether my mood was changing. And if it changes, then how. And the frequency? And the seasonality? There are many other questions. Remember the mood-normalizing drug? Trying to catch mood swings against his background is not an easy task.

Long selection of the right drug

You are lucky if the prescribed medication came up the first time. It is much more likely that on the way you will encounter crazy dreams, nausea, or the desire to do strange things. You may also find that even in the midst of chemical happiness, it is difficult to enjoy the things we just have to love, such as food or sex.

Taking almost any antidepressant drug comes with side effects

It is the side effects that often lead us to try to lower the dose. Ironically, the withdrawal period is characterized by its own delights (not covered in this article, but the habit itself can lead to a reluctance to ever return to antidepressants).

The moment when everything seems to start to work out for you, but there are nuances - the key in order to figure out how to continue to live.

How to live further?

The pill returns you to a state of mind in which you can function normally. For a person who has experienced depression, this is literally a gift from heaven. Depressive episodes are quickly forgotten, and you enjoy the new state for several months.

Then it becomes little for you, because the side effects have not gone anywhere. At this point, your brain incorrectly decides that it is necessary to get rid of the drug, and then we will somehow manage.

In fact, you need to use the strength of spirit that has appeared to organize your life while you can.

In no case should you make too many commitments. We will train in long jump on the sly.

I, like many others, began my journey with a glass of water.

I installed the Fabulous application on my phone (after a while it becomes paid; there are drawbacks). Probably, you can use a notebook, an alarm clock on your phone, or something else; I am talking about my own experience. I emphasize that what follows should be read not as “the application saved me from depression”, but as “I found a tool that sharpened my will”.

Fabulous is all about organizing your day. It does not interfere with your affairs. Instead, routine slots appear - morning, afternoon and evening. You slowly bring in little good habits and make sure that everything in the routine is done. After a conditional week of a glass of water, a short warm-up will be added. Then a delicious breakfast. Then the obligatory item “celebrate success”. Then write a to-do list for the day. Etc.

Three routine slots form the skeleton of the wigwam, that is, your day. Gradually, other important things are added to the frame.

One of them is managing your energy. The fact is that no application will help if you go to bed after midnight and get up by noon. Or if you don't get enough sleep. Or, on the contrary, you will wallow for 16 hours in a row.

Therefore, at some point you will have to make a tough decision: go to bed before midnight and wake up early. For me, after many tests, the following schedule turned out to be convenient: go to bed at 23, wake up at 6:30. He held out for quite a long time, now I have stepped back from him a little, and I will be back in 2020.

The idea of getting up early is generally very productive. Remember how the whole world is imposed on a depressed person at once? So, the world is still sleeping at 6:30. You don't have to check your mail. You can work for an hour on your secret project. Or think. Or make a diary entry. Or, unexpectedly for yourself, prepare breakfast for your still sleeping relatives or go to a cafe for it.

You have one and a half to two hours free. Even if the new day is as depressing as the previous one, you will make some progress thanks to the morning hours.

You need to kill at least a couple of months for this. At some point, you will get to the point where a friend, another article, or an application will ask you to meditate. Agree, but on your own terms.

These are the conditions:

• Each meditation should relieve you of anxiety or bring you closer to an important life decision. Try until you find your favorite type of meditation. Then try again.
• Meditation, auto-training, or god knows what other tricks should strengthen two muscles. First, the will, which you will not have without pills. Secondly, the determination to live your own life, and not on orders from the outside. A healthy person can afford to go with the flow. You have an eternal calm, and in order to move, you have to row in the direction you need.
• Record the thoughts that have come, but do not necessarily re-read. You get stronger every week. And although progress is not immediately apparent, why would you reread a weakling's diary?

Your day should become a self-sustaining system that makes you simultaneously move forward, think about the goal, relax and go to sleep with a sense of accomplishment.

They say that in order to grow a beard from the outside, you must grow it from the inside. It is the same with discipline, will and determination.

And don't forget to praise yourself for every achievement. Your day is not a quitrent that you pay to yourself. These are carefully selected actions that improve your life every day (the "60 Minutes to Secret Project" clause in Fabulous brought me - and unknowing readers - so much joy!).

So when do you get off?

At some point, I realized that I was ready.

Artificial chemo boosting of mood no longer solved the problem of low productivity. I could do without him, doing more than half of what was planned for the day in 2-3 hours in the morning.

Sleep returned to normal.

I stuck to the schedule and almost finished the plump diary book.

The huge, long list of things to do, including forgotten ones, was gradually reduced, making room for something new.

Entertainment in many ways began to seem meaningless, because it turned out to be more interesting to be engaged in a secret project, to achieve something in other projects, to think of something new and implement it. It's incomparable to on-screen adventures and sticky games. The moment when living in reality becomes more interesting than in virtuality is key. It shows that the environment has ceased to control you. Conversely, if you notice that you are less and less attracted to accomplishments and more and more to entertainment, you should take it as a bell.

I refused some responsibilities, some, on the contrary, imputed to myself. For example, he resumed daily maintenance of his Telegram channel. This is also a kind of exercise, pumping expertise on a daily basis.

So I went to the doctor and we started to gradually reduce the dosage. Very gradually. So slow.

I hardly remember my feelings, others quickly layered on them. It was as if there was something like the resistance of the material. It became a little more difficult to carry out the already familiar plans, but then it turned out that it was not so difficult. But there was no more despair and the feeling of being unable to move. It didn’t seem too much to get through the day.

By that time, I was solving a completely different problem, namely, what is the purpose of the next week, month, year and life? In one day, such a task is not something that you cannot solve - you cannot even set it. Between the goal setting and the outline of the solution, there were dozens of pages scribbled in the morning.

The six-meter river was behind, in front there were wider reservoirs. Now I'm working on my own startup and trying on what I'll do when I succeed.

Never once did I think of getting off antidepressants as a goal. Yes, and I climbed on them in an instrumental manner.

What will happen?

I went to a psychiatrist a few months ago.

- How are you feeling? she asked.

“Excellent,” I replied. - Only one problem.

- Which? she asked.

- Nobody told me that normal people live so boringly. Not sad or depressed, but boring, day in and day out,”I said.

The psychiatrist laughed.

- Well, for this we fought with you. Drink vitamin D, go for a walk, spend more time in the sun.

One of the most important lessons I've learned from dealing with depression is that the world is neither good nor bad. He just is. It is in our power to make it better, we have all the opportunities for this, but we need to invest seriously in order to move forward.

If you are on antidepressants, you can happily challenge the world.

If, on the contrary, you are sick, then at the words "seriously invest" you will turn over on the other side and try to forget.

A normal person has an opportunity. He has to earn on desire, will and passion.

P. S

Thank you very much for your very positive response. The article turned out to be useful, which means that something needs to be clarified, including at the request of the doctors.

• “Getting off antidepressants” does not mean being cured. Many mental illnesses are untreated. But often (not always) it is possible to achieve an equilibrium state and reduce the intake of drugs to a minimum. In such a controlled state, in the absence of external crises, one can stay for quite a long time. The doctor and only the doctor will help to achieve balance.
• Depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder,% write the diagnosis% - all this can come back at any time. We must be prepared for this. Older pills may not work when canceled. The doctor will help you to find new ones. Never any self-medication.
• I described my experience as if I immediately felt the strength and ran to reduce the dose. An unforgivable mistake, because I even indicated "two months" as a guideline. In fact, you will spend more than six months on prescribed drugs that correct your condition.
• My experience cannot be copied one to one. For example, because of another illness, I continue to drink those pills that simultaneously normalize my mood. Without them, things might have been worse. In general, I was lucky in many ways. You will be lucky too, but in a different way.