How to learn to defend personal boundaries

Personal boundaries - what are they?

This is the line that we set in order to preserve our identity and value, to protect ourselves from manipulation and unacceptable actions. Too soft, as well as too hard boundaries, are extremes. In the first case, whatever gets inside gets inside, and in the second, even a sincere desire for emotional closeness is perceived as a threat. It is good when the boundaries are flexible: then a person chooses what to let into his personal space and what not, and honestly talks about it.

But first you need to understand what the boundaries are.

Intellectual: you have the right to think this way and not otherwise.
Emotional: You are entitled to your own feelings - they are important and meaningful.
Physical: your body is only yours.

What's next?

1. Define the limits

With different people and boundaries can be different. Think about what is acceptable for you in relationships with strangers, colleagues, friends, relatives. Analyze past experiences: in which situations did you feel comfortable and safe, and in which - on the contrary? Maybe that's when your boundaries were violated. Make your own “bill of rights”, defining by areas of life what is categorically unacceptable and what you are ready to accept.

How long are you ready to talk on the phone with relatives? Who will you allow to touch you, in what situations? Who will you share your secrets with? How much money and who are you willing to lend? What things of yours can be touched and taken, and from which hands off?

Remember, your needs for these kinds of things come first. Trust yourself.

2. Inform others

The surest way to prevent an intrusion is to give advance notice of what you don't like. Do it gently, politely and do not be afraid: you are not offending someone, but protecting yourself.

Unaccustomed to it is difficult, especially in global issues. Train on the little things. Does it take a long time to get the bill in a restaurant? Remind about yourself instead of silent and resentful waiting. An annoying fan invites you to meet? Explain that you are not interested, instead of coming up with more and more excuses.

You do not have to make excuses and explain if you do not want or do not consider it necessary. Feel embarrassing for your own choice, drive away. People around you do not understand how it is, you do not eat meat or drink at a party? That's how. This is your position, you have a right.

Try to be direct but kind. The interlocutor is unlikely to be able to read minds and may not understand hints.

3. Exercise

Study yourself, move on to larger issues, act in a planned manner. Confidence will grow, self-esteem will grow stronger. Perhaps your boundaries will expand or contract: you are a person, not a static image. And the new personal boundaries are just as worthy to be accepted.

Learning to identify and defend them is a self-learning process. Do not scold yourself if it does not work out right away, this is normal. You, too, once did not know how to read, but now you do it quite fluently.

Defending boundaries with ease is a skill that takes time.

4. Be persistent

Attempts at manipulation can and will continue. On the part of loved ones, including: it will probably be difficult for them to accept the new rules. Don't give in. Repeat persistently that you feel this way when loved ones do this. Try not to get into fights, even if you really want your opponent to admit they were wrong. It is nice to accept an apology, but it’s more effective to get the wrongdoing to stop.

You may feel that asserting personal boundaries will lead to the fact that you are no longer loved and abandoned. But most likely, competent communication will only help improve relations. If not, then ask yourself what is best for you: to be alone or to be with an aggressor who refuses to respect you?

5. Feel free to ask for help

If you can't cope on your own, and the violation of your integrity has led to serious injury, if even minor encroachments throw you off balance, consult a psychologist. Together, you can work out a more detailed plan and determine the problem: within the boundaries or something deeper.

It is unlikely that you let everyone on your doorstep, and rightly so. So it is with personal space: it is only yours, and only you decide where it begins, where it ends and who can get into it.