Is it possible to be ready for the birth of a child and how to check it

What's the problem?

A little more than a hundred years ago, there was no question of readiness for a child. His appearance was a natural consequence of sex. Actually, there were not so many alternatives to the scenario “grew up, got married, gave birth to children”. Therefore, most people did not reflect on this topic, but simply gave birth. And not always willingly - we know this, for example, from books.

Olga Semyonova-Tyan-Shanskaya "The life of" Ivan ": sketches from the life of peasants in one of the black earth provinces"

The first is still expected more or less joyfully. The father, of course, is expecting a son. For a mother, it is more or less indifferent who will be her first. The father is completely indifferent to his daughter. The same attitude, however, is shown to the second and third son. Mothers usually begin to feel burdened by their third child. If a woman often begins to give birth, then in the family, of course, they are disapproving of this, do not hesitate to sometimes make rude comments on this matter.

In the 20th century, effective contraception appeared and abortion was legalized. As a result, there are fewer children, and their value has increased. Thanks to the popularization of psychology, people began to understand that a child cannot grow like grass. Parents should not only satisfy his physical needs, but also invest in education, development, upbringing. And this takes a lot of time, effort and money.

As a result, by the end of the 20th century, the issue of readiness for the birth of a child became relevant. People wonder if they want to change their usual life and if they have the resources to raise a happy, psychologically healthy person. Sometimes the torment is so strong that it makes you postpone parenting. And sometimes they realize that they were not ready after the baby was born.

Natalia Khorobrikh Mother of two children.

I gave birth to my first child at 22 and was definitely not ready for this. It seemed to me that he was hindering, restricting my freedom, that because of him I would not achieve something in my life. For the most part, he annoyed me. I could not bring my emotional state into harmony in any way. It seemed to me that in everything that had not happened in my life, he was to blame. That I sacrifice myself and do a lot for him, but he doesn't appreciate it. There was neither knowledge nor wisdom.

And then at some point I realized that he had grown up and I was not an authority for him. After his reproach, "You are a bad mother," I calmed down and honestly said to myself: "Yes, you are a bad mother, but you will not be tormented by this - as it is, it is." I stopped sacrificing myself, while allowing my son to make his own choices and make the first mistakes in life. Our relations have become friendly and remain so.

But as the elder grew up, I really wanted another child. I gave birth to him at 38 and became more confident, calmer. I felt ready for conscious motherhood when I realized that I want a child not for myself, not for him to realize my dreams or meet expectations. There was no thought of a glass of water or help in old age. There was just a desire to give a new life and their reserves of love.

This seems like a mature decision to me. Treat the child as a person and not as their property. Do not interfere with growing as it is. Only by your example can you show how to be happy. I even moved my work mainly online in order to spend more time with him. He does not bother me, does not tire me, makes me happy. I do not strive to be an ideal mom, I help him to be himself.

Can a person be sure that he is ready for children?

The answer to this question depends on what you put into readiness. If you want to approach the birth of a child fully armed, know everything and be able to, spread straws wherever you can fall, then such a moment will never come. It's just that parenting is a unique experience. Even mothers and fathers with many children face new challenges when the next child appears. Because all children are different - with their own character, reaction to the world around them, and their state of health.

Even if you re-read all the educational books in the world, a child during growing up will surprise you more than once - including pleasantly. No matter how savvy you are, there will still be a lot of blind spots. You cannot control everything. Therefore, it is better not to tune in to a certain parenting scenario and prepare for global changes. They certainly will be!

If we mean by readiness for children only an inner feeling, then it is certainly possible. But sometimes doubts and fears do not allow realizing it in full. To do this, you need to look a little deeper into yourself.

How to know if you are ready to have a baby

To deal with doubts, reproductive psychologist Olga Cover advises a simple technique. Write down adjectives that describe you on a piece of paper. Take a break. Then make a list of adjectives that characterize a good mother or father for you. Then compare the lists. How many items match? How many qualities of a good parent do you already have?

This technique does not make unambiguous verdicts, but it gives food for thought and helps to understand how much you correspond to the image of a parent you have created. There simply cannot be an unambiguous answer here, because there is no "ready - not ready" toggle switch.

Another method is the fantasy exercise. Take two chairs: one is life with a child, the other is without him. Place them at a distance from each other. Sit in the first chair, think about your possible child, and listen to your body. Has the feeling changed? Does it feel easier or harder for you? Are you tense or relaxed? Write down everything you felt. Then get up and take a few deep breaths. Then sit in the second chair and also listen to yourself. Now get up and see which of the chairs was more comfortable for you.

Olga Cover Reproductive psychologist.

The body never deceives us. If you are more comfortable in a “no child” situation, then you may not be ready yet. But if you wish, you can work with this, in particular with a psychologist.

With regard to fears, you need to deal with them in the same way as with fears from other areas. Namely, to look each of them in the eye, look for roots and think whether it is possible to somehow change the situation in order to eliminate them.

Let's say a person fears that they will be an abusive parent because they themselves were mistreated as a child. But repeating the script is not at all necessary. This cannot be verified in theory. But in the future, you can track your behavior and, if necessary, consult a psychologist.

Or, say, a couple lives in a tiny studio apartment and is afraid that it simply will not fit with a child. This is a matter of money, not psychology, but fear remains fear. If this is the only concern, it is worth putting everything into practice and looking for a solution to the problem. You can postpone pregnancy until you buy a bigger apartment. Or, conversely, to give birth and develop a plan to increase living space. Or choose some third option - only the person himself can decide if he comes face to face with his fears.

But there are reasons of another kind. For example, someone values their current life very much and is afraid that it will change with the advent of a child. And it will certainly happen. Therefore, perhaps it is better to wait with children. Moreover, never being ready and not having children is also a normal life scenario.

What else is worth considering

Real parenting does not match the stereotypical

Sometimes people find that they are not ready to become mom and dad due to the fact that they were led to the popular picture of stereotypes. Parenting seems to be purely happiness. In fantasies, a family, hand in hand, runs along the green grass and laughs, no one knows who throws each bunny across the lawn, and there are no problems. In fact, this is a mix of happiness, affection, pride, tears, lack of sleep, postpartum depression. And taking care of a child is, first of all, a routine that takes a lot of time. The more future parents are ready for such a scenario, the more their expectations and reality will coincide.

Not all reasons to become a parent are good

A child is a separate person with his own life path. The task of the parents is to help find it. Therefore, giving birth for the sake of the notorious glass of water in old age or to realize one's ambitions is not the best idea. This is where the contrast between expectations and reality comes into play. If the child does not act according to your scenario, you risk being unhappy and making him unhappy.

It’s even worse if you don’t feel the desire to become a parent, but you decide to do so because you want to keep a partner or please future grandparents.

It is quite another matter if you feel that you are ready to give love and care to another person, to change your life. And for the sake of this, you can experience a lack of sleep, a decrease in income during maternity leave, a lot of worries and other difficulties.

You don't have to be ready

Of course, it's great to be mindful of having a baby. But if pregnancy took you by surprise, this does not mean at all that you will be a bad mom or dad and somehow raise your child in a wrong way. Parenting is a long process. You will definitely make more than one mistake along the way, which is perfectly normal. Be there, love, help, and everything will work out for you.